Unconditional Giving Cycle..

I have been soooo very, very sick the last 10 days. I haven’t eaten in 3 days (before today) and I just I don’t know…

My sister and brother ‘n love came all the way over to get me groceries because when I am out of commission I cannot do anything; I don’t drive, I dang sure wasn’t up toweling or taking the bus…

They saw/heard a need and they showed up! I, in my human shell, have such a hard time accepting that you see because they showed up two hours away from their home to buy me some groceries so I can heel; are currently driving back two hours…four hours just to buy me some groceries and make sure they did everything they could to help me…

Let me be clear…there is growing a huge chasm between my body and my soul. I am able to differentiate between the two in my mind just like night and day and I love that. So what I am about to say is strictly in my human shell…my ego…my body…my soul understands that the miles and hours driven don’t matter…that their sister was in need and they filled the need…my soul gets that…my body/mind is a whole other thing…it is trying desperately to get me to grab onto guilt because that will keep me tied down and feeling crappy; my mind is trying to convince me that I am not worthy of them taking time out of their life, my sisters day off, to come here and help me out…that too keeps my mind in a negative space which is manifesting itself in unrest in my body…

Goddess has brought my family into my life because we are like minded people. When you see a need, particularly from family, fill it if you are able. This isn’t about a control trip for her; it is done in absolute love and purity of heart…and if i don’t accept it that way it bounces off the Universe and the unconditional giving cycle stops for a moment…

i feel deeply, deeply loved. i couldn’t do what she did. i couldn’t walk myself over the hill; i can’t seem to quite coughing and the dizziness and all the stuff…i needed help. Goddess sent my sister…

I am thankful.

Deep Love and Rich Blessings

OxoxoX

 

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Me Day…

A serious ‘me’ day with a few of my favorite things…and beautiful acoustic guitar music coming out of my TV…ahhhhh. 

Very emotional/feeling day but I’m safe, breathing and I am loved! May you have your favorite things, and balance, love, and a quiet mind today and always! 

Deep Love & Rich Blessings

OxoxoX

Photo taken with my Canon t3i

Authenticity…

Authentic: Of undisputed origin; genuine.

I woke up later than normal for me this morning and I just read and watched the video for Sesame Street featuring Julia, the new kid on the block who has Autism and it made me cry……

 My sister has autism. And I lived with an untreated mental health diagnosis for 42 years because no one could figure it out…and now parents and their kids do not have to go through the frustrations and unknowing…there is absolutely nothing worse than having something off, loving someone and not being able to do a thing about it…

Kind of deep for first thing in the morning but there is no difference for me…I am deep all the time…and that can be really exhausting but it is more exhausting not being authentically ME!

The Creator of the whole Universe designed me in a way as to not be a carbon copy of absolutely anyone or anything else. I am slowly stripping those layers off and coming into my own fabulousness; not following any religion or rules or restrictions that someone else manufactured telling me THIS is the way I need to be in order to live a “full, healthy, happy” life. Stripping away, and really, truly looking at and letting go of all the ways I desperately tried to win love (that was the ultimate goal) has become something I welcome with open arms.

This day, I just do not believe that Creator created me to be a cookie cut out of anyone else. And that is creating an incomparable peace because you see, I have quit doing and saying and believing things that are just not true to my very own Spirit. The very thing, the only thing that connects me to that which created me. When I listen to her…really listen…my world becomes my world and love and life and well everything opens up and life is amazing. When I don’t listen to her I am one fearful, loud, following the latest whim person and I can no longer do that. I have truly crossed over the canyon of self and made it to the horizon of life and I cannot unknowing what I know. There is simply no turning back…YAWHOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Today is the first day of spring, at least on the calendar and well I suppose, goddess is doing something with the earth too but around these parts yesterday was sunny tee shirt weather and today we are pulling out the winter coasts again but that’s okay. I believe that Spring equals hope and hope is alive and well in these parts today.

May we all be who we authentically are today…and everyday!

Deep Love & Rich Blessings.

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Good Morning…

I just got word that someone from my past, not in a bad way, wants to reconnect. Apparently I have done such a great job at being incognito online that no one who use to know me can find me. That is what I desire. I want to have control over who is in my life, whether virtually or in real time, at all times.

So I am not to terribly anxious to get ahold of this person for a number of reasons. I don’t want to loose who I am now. I don’t want or need the past drudged up, we went our separate ways, words were shared, we both got on with our lives…I don’t need or desire a therapist in any way shape or form. Seems like in my previous life (a few years ago) the only people I had in my life were counselors/therapists and although the ‘helping’ wasn’t blatant and obvious, I can still see how they all thought I was a problem that needed fixing.

Now my head says that said counselor things I have been drinking and she wants to make sure she can’t offer her services to me in some fashion. That is, upon reading it, a bit extreme and yet…I just can’t bring myself to seek her out…for what? We have nothing in common anymore. I am peacefully blissfully sober and enjoying my life. I don’t go to meetings anymore, I don’t desire drama of any kind in my life…

And the other part says…maybe…there are very few people who can handle who I am now because I am not a jesus freak, angry loud person…and that is the context most people have me in…

I don’t know…she is not worth risking my mental health, she is not worth risking my emotional well being and the grounded person I have become. I am one of those people that believe there are people who can mess with my grounding; doesn’t mean i am not strong or that I lack faith…

I am just breathing deeply and thanking Goddess that I am here to live and love and laugh another day.

It is sure interesting to me how someone has to go through a completely unknown party to reach me however!!

Hmmmm….

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Maybe Kermit Was Right…

Hello Friends.

So I have been really drawing inward and learning about my path and what that looks like for nobody else but me.

I have gotten some essential oils in my home; I have gotten a strong sense of the beauty in silence and I have this yearning to beautify my home with plants and flowers.

So I am not a green thumb; I have never had the patience frankly. So last week my sister was here and we went to the local garden shop and the person that helped us was named Kermit. Who else better to grow green things than a very nice kat named Kermit..it really all makes sense in a cosmic kind of way.

So what I learned is that I love plants to much. My sister brought me two very nice terra cotta pots that are normally used for strawberries but instead I will use one for my kitchen garden and the other one is filled with these….

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And with that gorgeousness comes the knowledge that “you love them too much.” I had no working understanding of what that meant; I only new that pinks and oranges needed to be in my environment so I could breathe in the beauty of each color…

So this morning, as I am listening to the thunder roll, after last nights pounding storm with intermitent thunder boomers (yeah!!) I looked out at my pot and lets just say it doesn’t any longer look like the picture above.

Which isn’t what disturbs me…what disturbs me is that those flowers are getting pummeled by rain before their time. I am coming to a guttural understanding of ‘everything in its season’…I don’t think one can get a mental/emotional grasp of that often flung out sentence until one buys beautiful flowers and sees them being pummeled which in fact changes the color, shape and size of them.

So everything really does have a season; when I mess with something ‘out of season’ including myself; I am subject to unnecessary pummeling. I have an internal struggle leaving those flowers precisely where they are on my back porch; wanting to love them and bring them under a roof to unbruised them however I don’t think that will matter. The damage has been done…so now the lesson if you will, is to love them precisely the way they are now. Recognizing that they may not flourish as much as if they weren’t getting rained on so badly, but they will flourish, for a season. I mean they still captivate me with their colors…

I need to leave them be. I bought them knowing it wasn’t done raining on the Oregon Coast, (it never is really) and they will survive until they don’t. They have been fed, and now they are doing what flowers do…regardless of the weather. They are prompting my mind to continue to see the beauty in all things no matter what it looks like.

I am not entirely sure about this ‘desire to grow things’ and where it is coming from but I do so love it. I do so love having deep, real, un made beauty in my environment and now as I am typing this…the sun is peaking out through the clouds…and I can hear the flowers say ‘ahhh’.

I had no idea it was going to be so hard for me to just let them be…let them fully be their bright, beautiful selves without fixing them in any way…

Maybe Kermit was right…

Deep Love & Rich Blessings

OxoxoX

And….

This just happened….

http://stigmafighters.com/lisa/

Not sure why that is so big but…there ya go. I started out this year sharing my story; a synopsis really, of my life as someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder.

Go. Read It. Share it with anyone who may be suffering with any mental illness. WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!

And please, support any organization that is fighting the stigma that is so inherent with mental illness because the stigma often times, is worse than the illness itself.

Thank you for sharing my life and my journey here.

Deep Love & Rich Blessings.

I Did It!

I have finally overcome a 22+ year old fear; you know the one. It haunts you in your dreams, it screams at you around every corner of your waking hours…

“I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!”

I think as I grow older and hopefully maturing, I am learning the secret to living a quality life is learning that there is no such thing as ‘enough’. When I am on that cycle, whether other voices or mine, there is just no getting around it…there will never be enough.

I have also learned that the only way to remove that voice/those tapes, is to just DO IT!! What ever that it is that I am not good enough for…and ya know, that is what happened today…I just did it!!

No voices telling me I can’t, just me pushing along, not even hearing the fear tape but recognizing the gynormity of how long it has been since wanting and actually doing had met up…

I bought some essential oils as a christmas present for myself and I have been using them in my amazing diffuser and today that just wasn’t enough. I had to figure out how to use a carrier oil so I could put the oils directly on my skin…and so…I just did it.

I feel an unholy pride in the fact that I have two containers, one with lavender and eucalyptus and the other peppermint, that can now be applied directly to my body…wherever the need is.

The lavender and eucalyptus together creates a wonderful combination for my asthma/sinus stuff…the eucalyptus is a holy healer, a decongestion that opens my lungs up right away while the lavender keeps the rest of me calm…

The peppermint will be used when I need peace, and when I need to quiet a headache and also when I need to feel rejuvenated and revived. These are all pure oils and the peppermint is cooling so it reduces muscle tension and tightness in my lungs as well.

I am so grateful I am stepping into the shoes of my almost forgotten soul. To be able to walk with pride about who I am and who I’m becoming is truly a beautiful thing. I am deeply grateful.

Blessed Be.

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January 28, 2017 at 2:30m

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