Last night was the most horrible night I’ve had in a very long time!!
You see something no one can tell about me by looking at me is I suffer…sometimes hard and fast and long from a life altering disease called Borderline Personality Disorder.
Sometimes the disorder is my closest companion; I do everything known to man to remove it…and nothing works!
It exhausts me most times; when was the last times you had no control over your thoughts and the extremeness of them? At those times, shame & guilt for my very existence floods in and it does no good to be told things about God that in the moment all feel like lies!
When I am extreme, when my thoughts and feelings are so far removed from anything that might make sense to you that is when I need you to be the most silent you’ve ever been with me…shhhhh so I can process my crazy…shhhhh with your judgements and criticisms of me…..shhhhhh with your love for me because in that moment it matters not and will be hurled back at you through my unsettled brain and heart!
Shhhhhhhh. It’s the only thing that works and the very thing that keeps eluding me.