Sometimes Truth is Ugly & Hard…So Very Hard.

Last night was the most horrible night I’ve had in a very long time!!

You see something no one can tell about me by looking at me is I suffer…sometimes hard and fast and long from a life altering disease called Borderline Personality Disorder.

Sometimes the disorder is my closest companion; I do everything known to man to remove it…and nothing works!

It exhausts me most times; when was the last times you had no control over your thoughts and the extremeness of them? At those times, shame & guilt for my very existence floods in and it does no good to be told things about God that in the moment all feel like lies!

When I am extreme, when my thoughts and feelings are so far removed from anything that might make sense to you that is when I need you to be the most silent you’ve ever been with me…shhhhh so I can process my crazy…shhhhh with your judgements and criticisms of me…..shhhhhh with your love for me because in that moment it matters not and will be hurled back at you through my unsettled brain and heart!

Shhhhhhhh. It’s the only thing that works and the very thing that keeps eluding me.


5 thoughts on “Sometimes Truth is Ugly & Hard…So Very Hard.

  1. When you are in the extreme and you are having these thoughts, do you ever know they are irrational but not now why, or how to stop them? When I end up in the extreme, I will a lot of times feel like everyone hates me and that they are just putting up with me or don’t really like me, even when they say they do. I was talking to my counselor about this one time, and she asked me why I think everyone hates me, and I really had no answer. I think a part of me knows it’s irrational but I can’t stop it. It’s just there. I don’t know if this makes sense or not. I’m hoping I explained it to make sense.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. For me Devin that is a trait of BPD. I am incapable ‘in the moment’ to stop; worse yet, to let those who love me love me in the moment. I hear you from my soul. Thank you for sharing. Thanks for being here. If we all remember we are not alone, that there are others like us…at least for me it seems to connect with me at some point. I believe it is part of the extreme emotions; the idea that everyone hates me. Thankfully, days like what I have written about here happen maybe once a week…I was living in this state all the time…whew…
      Today my hearts desire is to be thrivor not merely a survivor.
      Take good care of you. Having one person in my life I can count on, call anytime and someone who completely listens is the greatest gift for me in times like this and all the time actually.
      Thank you.


      1. Yes, I agree that it is a trait of BPD. I am so thankful that I have reached a place in my life, where I have people I can call anytime who listen to me and has my best interest in mind. It makes SUCH a difference, during those times.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s