Good Morning!

It is surprisingly cold here on the Beautiful Pacific Coast this morning…36 degrees.

I woke up before the sun rose because my nose was frozen and the right side of my body was sticking out of my 30b. Under Blankie and it was frozen so…

I decided to get up and see what the day might have in store for me.

So my sister came down Sunday and left yesterday…of which we are planning a monthly  PJ party…I can do without a lot in my life but non connecting with her face to face is not one of those things.

As I sit at my kitchen table, I have a great view of the clear(ish) sky, some fog has decided to move in a bit; I also have my cup a joe I just pulled out of the microwave and it seems like my thoughts are going a million miles a minute.

My sister and I have evolved into the relationship we have now rather quickly; in the last 3 years! She is not blood related; for some reason I always feel like I have to put that out there; and yet she is more blood than the blood sister I have. When I say blood it conjures up in my mind the thoughts and desires I have always had about what a sister is to me…well it will take me to far off topic this morning but suffice it  to say she is all that…and more!

It feels like, upon introspection this morning, that we are moving to a deep level of friendship/relationship. It is requiring me to not go anywhere; and it is requiring a dose of trust that I have never been willing to share or see or give or any of those things. This level of trust has never been required before because I have not had anyone in my life who was willing, no matter how hard I pushed them away, to go to the depths with me before. You know the place I am talking about…the place that crosses any seen or unseen line of what everyone else says a relationship ought to be or should be like…the place where only two committed people can go..the place where the deepest and darkest is shared and felt…

I don’t know about anyone else but that is rare for me. And what is truly beautiful is that it is reciprocated; she feels the same way about her life and her depths….and that is all very weird/different to me.

Sometimes I am afraid that my depths will scare her…like I sound crazy to me most of the time. She is always there with silence; and when i look into her eyes i feel listened too…so the silence is not for no reason, the silence isn’t a form of manipulation or a tool used against me…it is a way she SHOWS me utmost love and understanding…and then most of the time she says, after a long pause ‘I get that’ and explains what life is like for her and I’ll be danged…it is exactly the same thing only through her experience…

i don’t know that i have ever been understood like i am when i chat with her. the modern conveniences of life are dropped by the wayside; there is no social media crap going on; when we are together there is true, genuine, old fashioned connect and warmth and LOVE.

And it is so weird to have in the same place a fear of risking…yep I do fear risking…my greatest fear is that someone will absolutely 100% feel and find out I am ‘crazy’!

See I come through a long life of Borderline Personality Disorder…that is the glasses that tarnish my experience…hers is Autism…yep. She falls on the autism spectrum…has all of her life…so that means that all of her experiences are seen through the rays of autism…so neither on of us has ‘pure’ experiences…which I think I mean we both have stuff that blotches any pure experience…it is always seen through the eyes of BPD & Autism…because although neither one of us is defined by our ‘thing’ we are certainly aware that we have this ‘thing’…it is not a label to define us…it is just how our experience can be defined.

Her & I tend not to buy into what society, or how society says that people with these labels are ‘suppose’ to act…we have both been on this incredibly long glorious road of self discovery and are doing our best to define ourselves as we see fit, not a label or a doctor or a diagnosis..

I got some good sleep last night so this morning I woke up with a lot of ‘wow’ on my heart and in my mind..I am beyond grateful for her constant presence in my life..even when she is not physically here…we talk to each other at least once a day…and I am also beyond grateful that we have exceeded the boundaries that our ‘things’ both define how someone is suppose to behave..that we have made each other a priority…always…and I believe today that THAT is the only way i have allowed myself to go to the depths…

When I say that I want you to understand that is not a poster found on Pinterest to put on Facebook. When I talk about the depths I am talking about the scary places in my soul…the having conflicting emotions; sharing that something she said was not okay with me…I am still learning that saying no to someone doesn’t mean they always go away…that is deep..that is traveling through terrain I am not use to…saying ‘no’ or i don’t agree always meant the person was going to leave, so I would leave first…

LEAVING IS NOT AN OPTION in this relationship. I have come to believe that that is the ONLY way for me not to go anywhere is to believe her when she says ‘I am not going anywhere.’ to believe that….again…is the hardest thing ever but I guess I just feel like she is worthy,,na I AM WORTH sticking this out…I don’t need to run anymore..I can tell her when I am mistrusting and what she does with it is up to her…and what is beautifully sacred is that has always been met with ‘tell me more about that’…and we always work it out…

Everyone in her house; if they were asked to define the relationship I have with her…they would say “well you two will always work it out”…and based on that…that single FACT…it is easy(ier) to plunge right into the depths…I am one who has to know that someone is not going to leave…sometimes that might take years for me to believe and know…but it seems like in everything that is my jumping off place…i cannot trust with my depths until i know that the other person involved is gonna stick with me, no matter how long, to work it out…

And she shows me that by connecting with me every day…that doesn’t feel like an expectation it feels like a joy…for both of us…so anyone that has left my environment…whether their choice or mine…hasn’t suited up and shown up for me regularly…now I get life happens and yet I also believe we make time for that which is important…and I need more than an email or once a month text…I do…and if someone cannot show up for me like that what makes me think they are going to hang around when the depths come…so I have given myself permission to stop relationships before the depths; before I bare myself out with all the trust in me..because I always get left behind…

NOT ANYMORE 😀 If someone cannot show up for me regularly (more than once a month or one text or email) then they are not worthy of my depths…and that is perfectly beautiful…I am so grateful that I get that today…and that I can practice it.

Well now that I have shared my soul…I hope you are blessed beyond imaginings today.

Love & Grace.

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