“The people that mean the most to us show up in our lives…when you show up, you earn the right be heard.” John Sowers.
I have never been able to grasp what ‘earn the right’ means. Being so desperate and needy while at the same time doing everything I possibly could to keep everyone away there was no ‘right to be heard.’ You were either in my life and knew all the nooks in crannies (whether you wanted to or not) or you weren’t. Pretty simple. I prided myself on the clarity that selfish existence brought forth.
Today it isn’t like that so much. I still have my moments in the extremes, who doesn’t! But to have the extremes as a chosen lifestyle is not who I am anymore…I had to be taught (DBT to be exact ~ Dialectical Behavior Therapy) that there is a neutral, non~emotional balance where existence and non~existence coincide and live in harmony.
And in practicing that, which in DBT is called ‘Wise Mind’ has come in the notion that a). I don’t need to give everyone my everything upon first meeting and b). there are some privileges that come with being someones friend; trust is earned not given.
That blows me away; when I come from such a wounded past, I thought (and still do today) that if I trust you then you won’t go away; you will love me and well, we will live happily ever after.
Today there are people who have said they loved me that I have chosen to remove from my life because they didn’t show up. I understand that life gets busy; I truly do; I don’t understand someone calling me a friend and saying how much they love me when they no longer made the time to read a post on my blog; or text me…there is a very fine balance (of which I have no clue honestly) between knowing when to let someone go because they don’t show up in my life anymore and recognizing they are ‘busy’…I don’t like feeling like a science project; or like someone only has me around when they need me then they discard me…I don’t think any of us like that…
So getting back to the quote… “The people that mean the most to us show up in our lives…when you show up, you earn the right be heard.” Most people have stopped showing up in my life; I have stopped forcing myself on them…because you see what has changed is my level of need! I no longer share my soul with someone upon first meeting for fear they will go away or in an attempt to make them go away…neither one of those extremes are where I live today (THANK YOU GOD!)
I no longer need to be friends with someone because everyone ‘loves’ them. I have a need for people to spend time with me; sometimes we have to make time for things that matter to us; I want the people whom matter to me to make time and today I just don’t feel like that is an extravagant thing to ask for anymore.
I continue to learn that those that don’t make time don’t deserve the right to hear my soul; at first that always sounds so very harsh like ‘Lisa, how could you. Don’t you know people are busy and blah, blah, blah’…and then I realize that in my life; I make time for what is important and/or who is important and that it is okay for me to ask that of others…
Make Time For Me is not a selfish request; it is a simple need in a relationship. I am understanding that in my depths today. I don’t need to be someone’s ‘oh I have five minutes can we talk now’…nope I am worthy of someone making time for me and in the grand exchange of relationship…THEN and ONLY THEN do I need to share my soul with you.
Love & Grace.