Big Day…

Today I am meeting a professional who I am going to choose, probably, to be my Primary Care Physician (PCP) and I’m freaked out a bit; for many reasons and here is a few…

The biggest thing is I have literally come to the end of myself! I’m having to grasp a flimsy read of the notion that I am worth it, when it comes to my physical being that’s harder than grasping the notion that The Big Guy is on my side…

I have never connected with my physical self; coming from a place of incest, it’s beyond difficult to accept as true that I’m in the right body meaning I’m the right sex (if I was a boy I would never have been molested, so I’ve always wanted to be a boy) and as a result, plus with all the unasked for sex that has happened to my body…I just have never connected to my physical body…at all!!

Today is the start of claiming ownership over my physical body and I’m anxiety ridden; my thoughts are horrific (and my heart is willing!) I am 50 years old, living where I’ve lived of dreaming and I’m seeking the golden nugget; to be present, in my body, with no shame, blame, or guilt, the rest of my life!

I have a vague, very vague notion that I’ve been abusing my body; ME! And that vague notion is crystal clear this morning by the condition my condition is in! And if someone else was hurting my physical body the way I have been they would probably be dead so..,

This is beyond a major major leap off the highest cliff today! And it’s starting with meeting the Doc with a clear mind (no excuses, no living in the past) and a pure heart. With just enough willingness to do that today I’m already a winner!!

Love & Grace.

4 thoughts on “Big Day…

  1. It takes a lot for a person to admit what you’ve admitted to yourself. I wish you the best of luck on your journey to accepting yourself for yourself. You are the only person that can do that. Take things a step at a time and you’ll get there. Sometimes you may take a step back, but don’t let that discourage you. You have an awesome soul and I think you deserve the right to own your physical being just as much as you own your spiritual one.

    Liked by 1 person

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