I have designed my life to where mostly, the person people see in the grocery store; well lets just say it would surprise you to know i like the quiet. I am finding minimal chaos to be my desired way to live.
I am going through some intense physical pain which is incredibly hard for me; as I am sure it is most of us. The hard part is the extremes that often accompany the pain. The one way or other type of thoughts that invade like vultures in my brain and try to suck every ounce of hope right out of me.
Yesterday I got down to some gut wrenching, snot sucking truth with my sis and no matter how much I love her and she me; no matter how many ways SHE SHOWS ME how much she loves me and isn’t going to abandon me, when I am ill that horrific fear that leads to me shutting down and behaving in a manner that has people wondering who I am happens.
It is always ugly to get that get level, if you knew this about me you would judge me kind of honesty. I am told it is a rare trait and yet i still have to go there. Particularly motivated by pain all of my fears and thoughts come up that i have to share with someone who is and has always been so willing to go on the ride that is me.
She became very quiet as I literally (even though I hate too) am sucking the snot right out of me..and in that quiet the marks i left on her heart have disappeared; and love rushed in (as it ALWAYS does, regardless of what kind of fear or thoughts I have zooming through me) love rushed in…
When you come from a place where there is detached love the fear I grew up with about no one loving me is very, very real. I told her “I am more afraid of you abandoning me than I am the surgery” and that, even though 12 hours has gone by and laughs and knitting talk has all passed since those sacred words came spewing out of me; is still the truth.
Trust is not easy. Trust always comes with a price. I have never been ‘unwell’ with her and so; try as I might; this is looking like a gynormous test..not just about her but about me and the level of trust I can have with another human being…it is more difficult coming from a place where trust has been stripped away than not having it at all. Seems when trust was non-existent and I was forced to trust someone I just thrust the trust upon them…and now…now that I have been betrayed…AND there is someone in my life who has earned it….it comes sparingly because of the wounds….fair, probably not…I can’t seem to help it…it is okay that I have fear, it is okay and right and just that I feel and have all of my feelings….
I trust MY GOD. As long as I do that…the trust will keep coming with my sister…it just seems like with physical stuff…it is a sort of ripping of my flesh…and i do suppose even that will heal.
Love & Grace.
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