So in living out my BPD there are some things in the last year that I have keenly observed that I do. The real interesting one is I still do anything to avoid the onslaught of an overwhelmed state, real or imagined. I tend to one day pull out of relationships for various reasons (again real or imagined) and then regret it in a week or so and want to pursue said relationship again.
Most of the time my reasons these days for leaving relationships is healthier for me than staying in them and then the desire to later pursue the same relationship dogs at me and is swirling around in my head with all the other crap.
I have been in extreme physical pain for a couple of months; crying and overwhelmed a lot so often times I want all the other excess to just go away so i can maybe rise a bit above the overwhelmed and breathe for just a minute…what i need to learn to do is not run away from impending overwhelmed; i need to embrace it; practice skills around it and breathe, breathe as if i had never taken a breathe before. I think that is a goal, and i need not beat myself up when it is easier to pull out of something than take the long, taxing exhausting route of working skills and ‘arrrrgh’ is the way it feels at the time.
What i often forget in my survival mode of pulling away is that sometimes the going back, the tip toeing that is required into another’s sacred space is difficult, sometimes shameful and most often humiliating (because people don’t understand that I pull away ONLY as a means of survival, not to hurt anyone!)
So amongst the ordinary overwhelmed with all the pain I am in, I have been sifting through these thoughts this morning and thought I wold share so I can at some point, some way make sense of what this is…if for no other reason than to gain a bit of insight which is never harmful.
Thanks for listening.
Love & Grace.