Nausea Day…

I have been up since 5am mostly because of pain.

When I am in this kind of pain my head overflows like a plugged toilet. Not in a good way either. The insecurities, the doubts, the lies that ones head can spin when all your defenses are down; you are standing (or so it feels) buck naked on the 50 yard line at the Super Bowl AND someone has filleted your soul open with the dullest knife they could find.

This is why I don’t do ‘not well’ well. I feel powerless. And when that happens it just doesn’t take long for all things to turn negative. Like my head wants to shred the person who most loves me in this world; well I may struggle with that on a ‘good’ day as well but today I am again having difficulty swallowing without the nausea. By shred I mean tear her down for choosing to love me; not believe what she is telling me (which when quiet in the cranium, she never has lied to me…EVER!) ya know that kind of unrest…

Jesus I hate it…it is not bad enough that i can’t swallow my own spit without feeling like I am going to vomit…now my brain needs some stimulation and decides to attack as well…the think I don’t like most is that when I silence head seems to get louder and louder and i can’t grab ahold of anything positive…

WoW…I am hoping like hell this all passes soon…believe it or not the chaos in my head is much harder to deal with than the nausea; which has been around so long seems like we are buddies now. The head chatter though, the entire dialogue of put downs and self doubt and spiraling hatred is uncontrollable, inconsolable and just generally all around hard to work with…on a good day!!

Peace In The Valley of My Being!

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