I post this here today because it is on my heart…and something I have been thinking about with my heart (trying to leave head out of equation).
I connected with a friend again last night after chopping her off at the knees months ago and what I have learned about that is a symptom of BPD is abandonment and I am able to recognize, through time away from my friend, what that looks like or has looked like in my life.
I understand, I really do, how life changes and things require our attention today that didn’t yesterday however sometimes I have a hard time being okay with that…when our relationship changed, it set up in me (through no fault of either of us this was completely subconscious) a fear of abandonment; not only was dealing with the changes difficult; I ‘knew’ because of changes that she would eventually filter out of my life all together so I gave her a bunch of reasons why it wasn’t working any more and didn’t correspond with her in any way, shape or form for months…until yesterday.
With each passing day My Creator is bringing me closer and closer to the action of being okay, I mean truly okay, in my own skin. That I am a work in progress; I have my things; and it is okay for me to bring ALL of that to the table so to speak and let people love me the way they can at this moment. It doesn’t mean when they can’t, or life has caught them up, that I am going to be abandoned, it simply means that the definition of said relationship has changed; it doesn’t make me a bad or horrible person (that is the default tape in my head, always), or unloveable or any number of horrific things my head tries to tell me I am when I fear…
I am aware, today, I wasn’t when I terminated this relationship, that abandonment is not a reality. Just the second I STOP abandoning myself …abandonment ceases to be an issue for me…stepping back and breathing in this truth…whew…WOW!
It is the hardest thing for me to do…not abandon myself…and by that I mean when there is a loving, gentle person in my life who truly cares, it is just that life has swept her up…that I don’t need to run from that…I am solid and okay being in a relationship with myself…i don’t need to abandon or leave everyone who ever has a bit of life going on for themselves…
This is HUGE, DEEP and PROFOUND for me…I want to be loved and yet I reject the love…because it isn’t given to me in the way I think i want/need it…who the hell am i to have those kinds of conditions on love anyway…all that means is I have conditions on My Creator and I for damn sure don’t want that….
I am grateful for my friends open heart to accept my apology and to make one of her own. I wrote this back to her and I find it beautiful and scary and worth doing…”When bravery meets grace the door is slammed wide open for forgiveness and love.” INDEED!!
Love & Blessings.