Thoughts..Big Ones!

Ya know what I find so interesting…is I receive and even some times seek, understanding about this world and My Creator from the very people who messed that all up for me from the day I was born.

Catholicism, and no, I am NOT bashing I am just sharing my experience; led me to thoughts of damnation and hell and a ‘gotcha God’ that I spent my whole entire life running from because that God deserted me when I was 3 and my dad was molesting me…and going to catholic church every Sunday…I didn’t have any memory of that until I was 40 and had started getting a newer concept of god.

And yet…here I can say My Creator is Love. All of the many forms, the messiness of life and all that is…My Creator is Love today. That is profound and deep without any explanation. I have long since dropped the condemning God, yet the residual of that still resides.

So I have often turned to catholics for guidance; good books to read and wisdom…Tom Merton, Henri Nouwen to name a few.

That fascinates me; it truly does…than it causes me to stop and recognize the truth…my dad hurt me, not God. Sometimes I seriously do get the two confused….and I am so thankful today that My Creator is neither.

I have some serious stuff coming to the surface, ya know, like when you can’t even swallow cuz you need to get ‘it’ out…and I am finding my trust is lacking…this is big, life altering stuff I am talking about…and i don’t trust love. I don’t trust it because often i remember what ‘love’ use to look like..and i need something a bit more concrete than ‘he died on the cross because he loved you’ well maybe not concrete but personal…i struggle with God deserting me when i was being molested…and so now to trust God with the gynormous stuff of my soul is often times very, very daunting; to say the least.

i continue to need a face to face with My Creator to know that love is real; I am sure there are scoffers who don’t want to see or hear that but it is true. God knew, when he(for pronoun purposes only) watched as I suffered ten years and shoved it away, that i would need personal, face to face, love; something I could hold in my hands, heart and head and say ‘yes, I know My Creator loves me’…and i trust God is okay with that…

I don’t believe in the ‘gotcha God’ the ‘grey beard sitting on a throne’ God or the purgatory concepts; those were foundational when i was little…and they are slowly going away…with a lot of hard work on my part…

Two Things…I do not believe God would love me if I admitted to being a lesbian; based solely on what I have heard religious people (particularly Catholic ones) say my whole life. I struggle with that deeply in my soul. I want to change that belief. I cannot do that based on some one else’s experience; it has to be my own.

I do not believe that God is big enough to handle my ‘super sensitive, dramatic, overly emotional’ stuff either. This one is slowly changing…but I mean if i quit eating sugar addictively and FEEL everything I eat away…would God still love me and not reject me like practically every ‘person’ has?

whew…hot burning tears down my cheeks assure me this must be the right thing…sacred water drips out of my eyes…

yea that is about the gist of who i am…and i need a wayyyy bigger God than any one that has been presented to me so far…the judgement that comes from well meaning people, regardless of their denomination regarding the first one…fagutaboutit. I haven’t even talked about it but hearing the vile and ugliness from people about lesbians and gays…i will never admit my truth…and i will die not sharing it with anyone cuz the rejection is too harsh…and i can’t seem to not see God this way as well. I know, it will take lots and lots of time…(breathing in and out) to know the depths of love God has for me…lesbian or not…

okay i feel completely raw…so i am going to grab my knitting and rock in my recliner because that seems like the safest thing to do right now.

If you have read this, THANK YOU. If you want to comment; please be kind or don’t!! I cannot process anything else but that right now. Thanks for understanding!

Love & Blessings.

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