This morning I woke up with a real clarity, for lack of better words, about some of the differences in me than other people..and it brought a serious sense of peace and a covering of contentment.
I am who you see here…on this blog…there are no shadow selves hidden behind any messages here..when one looks at all their own shadows there are never any for others to find hidden…my life, particularly in the last 10 years, has been about ripping open the shadow self and making sure she knows that i am in control and not her. And this morning I realized, I am not sure what triggered it or why it happened…this morning I realized that not many people can speak from knowing their shadow selves…or taking action to not let the shadows control their lives, actions and day.
I am not bragging about this at all…I am just acutely aware of how different I am. Whether by circumstance…well mostly by circumstance, facing the shadow and gaining control over her has been the toughest thing I have ever done in my 50 years of life…AND…the most rewarding…to be able to know the person I am talking to is afraid or needing validation is a gynormous delight so I don’t have to take their actions personally.
That is what I am feeling this morning…this huge relief of not taking people’s stuff personally….we all need something from each other…and I believe what I bring to the table in any relationship is my honesty; sometimes brutally, although today it is never meant to be..
The wonderful thing about getting my shadow self ‘in check’ if you will is that I don’t need you, whomever that may be, to pat me on the back…oh trust me it wasn’t always like that…but the longer I am silent and learning how to ebb and flow with my own waves the easier it is to let you be you. Today I do not need false praise that always comes (no matter the intentions) with someone telling me all the time how great I am or how this or how that I AM…and that change has come over time for sure..Most of the time I write here I do not expect anyone to every reply or even read..and that has come with time as well..it started out years ago with my first blog that expectation of ‘here I am now you can enjoy what is written’…the insidiousness of the slithering ego is horrific when I doesn’t know that it is operating my brain…
I am grateful for the responses here please don’t misunderstand me…what I am saying is it is simply not why I do it. Validation from the outside of me is no longer why I do anything and that took me by surprise this morning…it means that maybe, just maybe I am removing myself from that victim place I have always been at…because i set myself up when i want validation from ‘you’ and it never comes…then the old familiarity of victim slides in and there ya go…I am back to finger pointing and loosing any kind of peace and control over my brain I had…
Hmmmm. I am grateful for this progress. I am grateful for the necessity that makes me toe the line. I am grateful I can recognize my own growth…because until I do…it is all just a wee bit ‘faking it till I make it’ kind of feeling. I would always rather have one person show they love me from their soul than have 10,000 people say it with their lips and not mean it or be able to show it!
Love & Blessings.