Sharing a similar experience with people is part of what makes us, underneath the ‘stuff’, all the same. And because your similar experience was ‘easy, not a problem’ doesn’t mean that mine will be the same way…

I hope I never make people feel that our mutual experiences, meaning the feelings are the same, that one is greater or lessor..

How does one make a decision about their lives based on the ‘now’ when so much of the past is in the way…this morning I do not have an answer to this…I have wrote about this topic before and I will probably write about it again because it is my quicksand area (if you will) with God…

People tell me over and over and over again that God’s live is immeasurable…I think very single one of us has something that keeps us from believe that ‘I qualify for that too’ I believe it is the single most reason that we are such an addicted society, such a lonely people (as a general rule) and we don’t take about our ‘what if God isn’t big enough for this’ thing in our lives so we slip into the familiar, the judgement, the rudeness…again I do believe we all have our things that we struggle with God loving us through…I also am coming to believe that that is what makes God sooo necessary and vital in my life…

I woke up this morning with what felt like an ax in the right side of my brain beyond splitting my head open. I made coffee, fixed two eggs (I didn’t eat yesterday cuz my sinus stuff was so bad) now I am in my back yard with my native flute music on my computer, letting nature be my guide and trying to allow the love of My Creator to ease away my throbbing head…

I do not know how another label will change me because that is all it is is a label and yet it somehow identifies my relationship with My Creator as well…and that makes my breathe labored just thinking about it…I literally have spent most of my life (with the exception of the last 5 or 10 years) feeling like a gynormous mistake; like God really didn’t know what he was doing when I was created…I carried that and wore that like a banner until it was time to let go of it and realize I could survive if for just one second I didn’t believe it..

So the rest of my life has been the slow shedding of that belief…I am not one who can easily subscribe to the notion that it is a lie whispered to be my some unseen dark energy; it has everything to do with my psyche being mutilated by first my dad and 2nd the catholic church for the first 12 years of my life…all the utter confusion and pain that to this day swirls around in my head about it causes great pain…i never grasped that God was love and love was God because of the molesting..and frankly, I still struggle with the idea of God ‘allowing’ that to happen to children and trying to believe how much he loves me all in one brain…it is my struggle and the root of all that i am and i don’t know how to let go…or maybe i don’t want to..what i do know is that it somehow seems not as simple as ‘just let go’…i have been working at that for 10 years now and here i am…not grown any in the knowledge of God’s love for me during that time…

those two thoughts i truly struggle with living in my brain at the same time…and maybe it is because i am not a physical parent..i don’t know…as usual i am grasping at notions to help me figure out…because THIS is the thing that will make me feel like God is big enough to handle my gay..this right here will make me not feel ashamed or different or judged…wrapping my brain around the notion that God loved me even while he was watching my dad crawl in bed with me every night…

if a parent loves a child they want to do everything possible to not bring that child harm…how could you have allowed that to happen God….over and over and over again…and then as a grown up i am told i can bring all my cares to you because of how much you love me…

i would like to know where the proof is in that love everyone(my self included) keeps talking about and please, please don’t say it hung on the cross..I am talking about in my own life…bringing it down to the oh-so-personal me…where was it when i needed you the very, very most..and please don’t talk about ‘free will’ here God…i get that and this is not it..

I will know God by Gods fruits…where was the love and the looking out for me when i was growing up..i don’t get it…so now i am told i can trust you with all my personal secrets…my big stuff…how do i let go of the thing in my brain that says ‘no i can’t’ and just jump off the cliff…i have done that with so many other things…i wish you could tell me how i do that…because i seem to be very resistant to hearing it from anyone else….

so yes, we are back here again…and i would like to just sit here with this as long as it takes me to either hear your answer or jump….again as i have done so many times…and yet…

do you know how big this is…i hope you get it and that you see me here typing this out cuz i ain’t playing…

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We have to be continually jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down. – Kurt Vonnegut NO SHIT Vonnegut.

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