Thoughts…

So three years ago I uprooted myself from my then house, which wasn’t one at all it was my first apartment, in Seattle and I came back to Oregon. What I thought at the time was for one reason and which actually turned out to be something completely different…I mean wayyyy different…

I was abandon via email by my “SisterFriend” of ten years and that, again at the time, was my sole reason for coming back to Oregon to be closer to her…ummmmm nope that didn’t happen…we have tried in several email(ish) attempts to correspond yet she says things like ‘well I see you haven’t changed at all and I can no longer speak to you’…which isn’t true and one really cannot tell through the typed or written word…I never have been given a chance to ‘show her’…and now today I know that is not something I need to do in any relationship…prove to anyone else anything..so I have left go…sometimes that time of my life comes by for a visit; sometimes I want it to unpack its bags and stay forever however that only happens when I am needing to feel bad about myself…so fortunately for me the visit actually is a visit…

Last night it came by to visit…stayed a little later than I would have liked but I woke up and thank God it is gone…what is it you may be asking? It is the past..that moment when I lost something that was sooo significant TO ME and just that general time in my life..I had made a great life for myself in Seattle…was photographing and writing for a paper that even the mayor read…and so I guess what ‘it’ is is that past time and the emotions attached to that time…I am so grateful it visits because it truly is good to feel where you have been so you can feel how precious the eternal now is…

AND YET…

Having said all of that, yes I am so grateful I can look at that time in my life now, all the way up to the email time, and not feel like that was the very worst thing that could have happened…not be able to let go of it…because what has happened to me as a result of accepting the truth that my SisterFriend no longer wanted me in her life is FREEDOM. Freedom to not be boxed in by so many labels of who I thought I was, or who anyone thought I was; freedom to find MY relationship with God..not have it be based on a group of people just so I can fit in and never have to look at the shadows..I have friended my shadows and the only reason there is light and i can share any light is because of going to the depths with all my shadows…I am absolutely no longer afraid of my darkness within….and I no longer need groups of people to tell me I am beautiful and lovely and worthy of love…I don’t….I am grateful to have God show me my worth and beauty…and sometimes, and gratefully, that comes from the one or two people I have let into my darkness…..I now know that who I trust is a choice…I don’t have to trust someone simply because everyone else is…when she removed me from her life I let go of a helluva lot more than I could even conceive at the time…of which I am soulfully, deeply grateful.

I have people in my life today whom I can admit when I am wrong and they don’t go anywhere…people who will call me to work a bad feeling or a misunderstanding out with me and not just send me a random email telling me they are done with me…sometimes I have been the one to do that because I still don’t believe it is okay for me to simply say ‘hey I need to back away for a minute, I will get back with you soon’ however…I am learning that for sure 🙂

I also have a true best friend. Someone whom on the very first day we connected (having known each other years before) told me ‘I know I am going to screw things up; I will hurt you’ and someone revealing that simple truth has opened my heart and soul to her in a way I never thought possible. No more fairytale friendships in my life; the truth is we are all human and we all make mistakes and today I am no longer running away from myself and others simply because I make a mistake in a relationship. It is the most intense, interesting thing really and truly having someone stick by you not just cuz its easy and then bailing but because they have made a conscious choice to love you…what a difference a non co-dependent, unhealthy relationship has made in my life…it has been the sole thing…not since Charlene have I been able to be free and change and grow and find out what defines me instead of agreeing with others for fear of being alone or not belonging…

So it is safe to safe I can now, after 3 years, say that email was the best thing I have ever received…it has made me the who I am…and she will never, ever have a clue because today I do not trust unworthy people.

I hope ya’ll are getting a little more grounded in your souls this day.

Love & Blessings

oxoxox

%22Soul Searching” by MichaelO
Soul Searching by Michael O.

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