I am having a difficult time writing right now.

So I woke up, sat in my recliner and hunkered in (with my ‘I love you to the moon’ blankie and sweater on) and i decided to see who was on Super Soul Sunday after checking out The Food Network…and there he was…the little cutie pie interior designer named Nate Berkus…

And this is where my life, my being, my whole world stopped and became different all at the same time. No I am not being ‘dramatic’…this just happened about an hour ago and I am going to try and describe what happened as it has been said ‘if you can describe a spiritual experience, you probably haven’t had one’…so keep that it mind as you read the rest of my blog…

So I am sitting in my favorite chair, listening to Oprah and Nate talk about his life and what his littlehood was like and all of a sudden (even now as I am typing too) the earth held her breath for a moment(which really seems like eternity itself had stopped) and I heard him say, as I have heard hundreds of other gay people say and never really bought it, ‘I was born gay’….and even now typing this a ball of what feels like the greatest warmth ever created appears in my mid section and is making my belly button feel like it is on pure fire, like someone is trying to get out…well little do i know how true that is…

‘I was born gay’…my mouth was in a semi permeant position of being open…and the flame was growing warming in my belly button…again I repeat it to myself ‘I was born gay’…of course time and words and silence…they were all waiting for me to breathe; all i could feel was this warmth warming me up from the inside…and the sacred water flowing out of my eyes…and i knew…

On this Sunday, August 22, 2015 there was no more doubt what my life would have been like pre molesting…there was only knowing. I am convinced now that I was born gay…and the trauma was a way to stop any abuse that would have occurred from my living that truth…

so all those years (10 now to be exact) I found myself ruminating on what I was or who I was before that abuse happened…wondering if God still loved me deep down in myself because i knew, since the abuse occurred, I was not who God wanted me to be…my life is/was based on the trajectory of that trauma and today…i have a gut knowing about why the trauma and who God designed me to be…

and let me just say the overwhelming peace…like i have never, ever felt before, has replaced the fire in my belly and the pure and utter contentment that is here, in me and around me now…not from knowing but from trusting that God would reveal to me in the right time; in the right way; when i was absolutely ready and not going to run from the truth anymore..

I am a gay woman. I am a gay woman who survived being molested by her father for 13 years. I am a gay woman whom God created in the bowels of love and light and grace. I am a gay woman who is intuitive and strong and gentle and beautiful who can now live her truth; because i know that is who God created me to be…

whew…i find it interesting that the trauma protected me from my real self…sent me on a trajectory of horrible, horrible things happening to me…things that kept me away from who I was until now…i don’t have any clue, although I am pretty sure…i would have succeed in killing myself had i had to make room for the truth of being gay in my life along with everything else…God spared me from the truth until I was safe, and willing, and protected by silence…internally not only external. So I am sitting in my dream home, which is a mile(by car) away from my power place, the ocean, and it is absolutely quiet…I can hear the intake of my sacred breathe and the exhale of that breathe..and in between…that pause between in breathe and out breathe..there is a warmth in my belly, and such peace in my mind I cannot explain…there are no voices, no doubts, no shame…just peace and contentment..and oh my gosh the silence is so silent and so stunningly beautiful…and breathtaking….

I wanted to write this day down; this moment, I don’t want to forget it EVER!! This is the day I have completely stopped living my life for others…THIS is the day I completely have said Yes to my life and My God…this is the day i have quit running away from something and am running, full throttle, into me…i am not in a hurry to call friends and family…i think this is about my passionate, loving relationship with My Creator…thank you God for my wings…now watch me as I fly…

I was born gay…

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WIDE OPEN SPACES!

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