Soul

There has been so much going on internally (with my emotions/heart/soul, not my organs) that it is hard to know where to start. It seems like one leaping off the side of the cliff has lead to many and I am truly free-falling without a parachute, without anything…but the understanding that this is exactly where I am suppose to be…it is a true, deep, real knowing…not just a guessing…not just because others think I am in the right place…because there is no struggle; there is a fire(an actual warmth in my navel) that occurs almost daily, showing me I am precisely where I need to be…

What is so beautiful is that for the first time in my life, it is precisely where I WANT to be as well…

There has been so many, many unnamed, not talked about fears inside my soul that I have never had the courage, the love of self and the knowing of a loving Creator at my side to face..layers and layers of those have come to the surface, have tried to paralyze me and yet somehow it hasn’t happened like that. I have looked at it, said ‘yep I see you fear AND it is okay that you are here; just know this time you are not stopping me. I have come to a humble understanding of loving myself, and you will not win ever again!’

And that fire grew warmer in my belly button; and i felt fear and showed up anyway;; showed up full on ready to participate at whatever level I could in MY LIFE..this isn’t a commercial, or someone else’s life this is mine…and I get the grand, scary beautiful option to participate fully or sit on the sidelines and let fear lead the cheers.

NO MORE!! I am going to continue to muster the courage, day be day, hour by hour, event by event, to acknowledge the fear, and do ‘it’ anyway…I am not scared of you any more fear…you no longer have any control over my life…one I said to myself and those i love “I am a lesbian” you no longer had your hand on me….the chains, the horrible silent bondage that comes with you…no longer in my life…

I have asked myself hour upon hour…’now what?’ and I believe I know NOW what…now what is that I truly get to participate in my life…I know I will feel fear and anxiety I am human…and to not let that stop me is the most powerful display of a Loving Creator in my life..

I could go on and on about the internal determination and love of myself that has happened in the last couple of months; and I am sure it will eek out in further writing I just needed to get something down…

WHEW!!

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