‘AND’…

One of the things that I know, that I know, that I know is I have a very peaceful, quiet soul.

One other thing that I know, that I know, that I know is I have a very loud, egotistical mind. In other words my thoughts, are very loud and selfish.

This last year has been the year of ‘AND’…learning how to use it, what it means and how to apply it into my often black and white thoughts.

The biggest one is that two things that often appear opposite can both be true…’you are very busy AND you love me.’

With BPD, I often think that one negates the other, and I have to frequently talk my brain into seeing that both thoughts (whatever they may be) can be real, and both thoughts can be true at the same time.

So when I was in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) this is one of the things we spent time on; learning how to change black and white thinking (extreme thinking) alleviates rage and allows for understanding and grace.

This is a big one for me in relationships. Learning about ‘AND’ and learning how to apply ‘AND’ to my own life is often times challenging, not to mention practicing this with other people.

I have learned enough about me to know when my thinking is devoid of any give and take. For example, when my head starts off with ‘but you’…that is clearly a problem and I need to practice skills immediately or it turns into a shit storm of negative thoughts about what ‘you’ are doing or not doing, particularly in regards to me…

Having a mental disorder on a ‘good’ day is challenging enough; having a mental disorder when it is flaying about in your mind, trying to get your attention is the most difficult thing to deal with…thankfully this doesn’t happen every day anymore, I couldn’t take it…

I also have to look inward and see if there are any other ‘stressors’ going on like anxiety, loneliness, aloneness….all of these have an affect on how long the extreme thinking stays around and how long it takes before I realize that it is my disorder and that it needs checked…

I woke up this morning, and what could have been interpreted as a lovely text went sideways in my mind…I am now, after 3 hours…able to see that it went sideways, able to realize that I woke up this morning without my ‘AND’ and try and love my brain into right thinking. And by right I mean more balanced, peaceful thinking instead of the ‘I am never going to talk to her again’ thoughts that are very detrimental and very extreme….yet go along all to often with black and white thinking.

As I am typing this, I am watching a really long beaked bird on my patio foraging for food; not thinking about anything else but the task at hand…the sun is shining(ish) on me and now the tough part is not to act like I have an attitude with the person who sent me a text…just let love rule my heart and change my thoughts so I can apply the ‘AND’ and be okay.

Yep…most of the time this is not always done like this, most of the time I just let her rage in my mind all day because trying to corral her and love her is a task far greater than I can handle…and at some point, she balances out…today I am tired..I have anxiety about tomorrow and I don’t have the energy for her to throw her fit all day so I am loving her into change. One bird, One sun at a time…easing into the ‘AND’ which often holds vulnerability I just don’t want to feel but i have too. I have no choice but to be vulnerable and realize that both thoughts are true; they no longer need to wage war in my brain…both thought are true…and the vulnerable part is admitting the need under the black and white thinking. There is always a need, I feel alone, lonely, anxiety…what ever I feel, that is the need hiding under the blame that often accompanies my black and white thinking.

Honestly some days I think it would be so much easier to take drugs for my diagnosis and then some days, most days, I am grateful that I can function enough to live a full, happy life. I am grateful that I have gone over to the dark side, I have lived with her in the attic, and I know who she is so I can love her into change when I need too….and it is all okay. I mean she doesn’t have to run and hide anymore; or hurt herself and others anymore…I am loved. I am enough. I am fabulous and no matter what is going on in my brain, I deserve to feel love, to feel like I am enough…and she eventually quits running around causing all the chaos in my head…and the ‘AND’ returns and so does the balanced, peaceful mind that I crave…

Eventually…

Utah

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