I just got off the phone with my mom and she is so excited about her new home in Lebanon, OR.
I am happy for them; told her I was a bit worried, found out my little brother was too so I didn’t feel so bad but also found out my sister’s youngest daughter is living right across from them so…it will be just great!! For my niece and my mom & dad.
I am flooded with feelings this morning; particularly since the phone call. I am going into town (hometown where part of my family is) next weekend to celebrate my moms 80th birthday with most of my family. My oldest brother is back east so he won’t be here but everyone else will be.
I always feel a bucketload of anxiety when it comes to my family because I can never be, whether I can’t or they just don’t see, who I am…that is often awkward and very frustrating to me…and yet…I have spent my whole life trying to see who I “really” am…
I haven’t come out to any of them except my parents and I won’t. My brothers and my sister have enough to judge/label me about and i don’t want that to be a topic of whispers and quieted tones and fake smiles so I won’t be bringing that up. In my heart, I just want the love and respect I give them and that hardly ever happens.
I will continue to try and stay in today, its just that i got off the phone with my mom just now and realized that i have a ton of feelings…mostly anxiety…and i don’t have to focus on said anxiety because it is not happening today so…
I will keep plugging along; hoping that i can feel the love that is contained in this day.