I didn’t sleep to swell last night cuz I was sooooo cold, rather my right left and foot were frozen so sometimes after not sleeping well I wake up the next morning and I cry a lot; my emotions are a tad bit unbalanced if you will…
This morning I texted my niece to make sure she hasn’t said anything to anyone in my family about me being a lesbian…it is for me to tell and quite frankly, there are just people who don’t need one more bullet to hang over my head so…I am participating in my mom’s 80th birthday in town this Saturday and that means I get to be around people who don’t get me…and that’s okay…my main mission is to show up for my mom for the first time in my life…I don’t recall ever showing up for her just because she wanted me to…this year I am going to her birthday party because a). I love her and b). I want to show up for her.
I am learning that sometimes, no matter how uncomfortable I may be, or think I may be, love is about showing up..putting the grimy clothes on and getting dirty…and I am okay come what may…I am grounded in a force that cannot be taken away by snickers and back talking and lip smakin’…I just am.
I am grateful I have been given the desire to care and love my mom like I always have wanted to but never could because I was always in the way…not anymore. My parents have been to my coastal home two or three times, meeting me on my own turf, sharing their souls with me and I get to show up for her the same way; I can be uncomfortable for a little while as long as I know it’s not forever and who knows…maybe there won’t be any uncomfortableness….maybe it will all be just dandy..I always seem to project uncomfortable because I don’t get along with my brothers…there is always this undertone of negativity toward me that I would just be as soon never be around and yet….it keeps running through my head ‘how much has your mother been uncomfortable around you the last 51 years?’ and because I know this…I can have a great time at one dinner with those that make me feel like I’m crawling out of my skin…
I am making a shawl to go with the tank top and skirt I’m wearing..I know right? Me in a skirt….well it is only for one night 😉
So I think I’m done layin my soul out…this day I am going to finish my shawl and breathe because this day contains a whole lot of preciousness I just don’t want to miss.