I think I am finally seeing clearly that I really don’t look at absolutely anything the way most others do. And that is okay yet…it keeps me distant because the way I interact, the way I express what I need from people; is foreign, at best, to most.
So the biggest place where I notice this is how sufficient the world is, whether the world is the world, wide web and the people I have found on it; or my family, how people ‘say’ I love you…and I am sure they mean it…but what do they mean?
To me, for me, when I say I love someone that means that I am placing them as a high priority in my heart; and how I do that is I show them. Plain and simple. Whether through calling, texting, writing a note or seeing them…and I need love giving to me to be the same way.
I think it is easy for one to be like a clanging cymbal and talk…for talk is the cheapest of all talents…talk about how they love someone, well let’s for the sake of this blog say how they love me….talk, talk, talk….throw around the phrase ‘I love you’ like it is as meaningless as “I’ll take out the trash”…because it is often said in the same breathe. When I say I love someone, it is the most well thought of, biggest feeling in my heart and it feels like my heart will just burst wide open if I don’t share that with them.
And I have stopped saying it to those who in my heart, I say it to and it is just words. There are far to many words spoken in the English language and not enough actions shown. People in my life say they love me and I don’t hear from them for days and even months…and I am always the one who has to reach out first…and I feel if someone is saying they love me that I will be a twinge on their heart, or a thought across their minds, like they are with me, and that they will show me instead of just talk about it; again this post is about me seeing clearly how different I am from others, it is not about anyone specifically.
I find it difficult, and never claimed to be perfect at it; that when someone doesn’t show they love me, I still tend to take my loving them away…because they don’t really care about receiving love if that don’t know how to show it or give it…I am talking specifically about those that talk about loving me yet don’t hear me when I show them how I receive it best…now that may be way mixed up but I never claimed to be god…I am human after all and I seem to not be able to give something that is not given in return.
I am learning how to make LOVING part of the flow of who I am so it matters not when or if it is returned to me and it is coming along s-l-o-w-l-y at best. All I would like to have happen is that if I have risked vulnerability with you by telling you how best to love me; and in your humanness and life haven’t figured out how to do that…please, please, please stop talking about loving me…all you are doing is trying to convince yourself and me that you love me when you can’t even figure out how to give love. Stop talking about how much you love me when you can’t show me! I no longer what to be a part of someone pumping up their own egos, throwing the love words around, and yet here I am feeling alone and empty..STOP TALKING…LOVE IS AN ACTION WORD…A VERB…please, for your sake and mine, figure out how to listen to how to love me and then either do that or don’t it matters not; but it will enable me to stay or go.
The definition of authentic is: of undisputed origin; genuine.
So that begs the question…as you go about your day TALKING about how you are living an authentic life…are you loving others authentically? If you are I want to gently let you know…I can’t tell because you are holding back your love…so busy talking about it, getting your ego stroked, and yet i don’t get a note or a text or anything…authentic has to do with every area of my life; not just the areas I pick and choose…
Thank you so much for listening.