The Gay That Is Me!

So I have been going through the stuff…I have been suiting up and showing up in my life in ways and in places I had never, ever thought I was capable of doing…and honestly I haven’t ever been capable…

So on August 22, 2015 (which incidentally is my little brother and his wife’s wedding anniversary which I just today remembered) I uttered ‘i was born gay’ for the very first time in my life…and still today, as i feel this burning ball of God behind my belly button, I just sit with that…I was born gay….

Yesterday I emailed a friend of years, and shared it with him and this was his response: “First of all, as far as you being a lesbian, I suspect that you are getting pretty much the same reaction as I got when I read it from anyone you have ever allowed to get the least bit close to you….Duh.”

And today I am trying to write what the above paragraph means to me…i feel like I can exhale…like I can roam freely in my heart and in my home..I had no idea…I truly didn’t..i just had thoughts, thoughts of ‘maybe i am’ and ‘maybe i’m not’ and today it seems like what is stopping me from plunging the depths of this truth is God…letting go of the legalistic, dogmatic god that I have known my entire life and springing forth with new depth and new intensity and recognizing that God is just as much connected to me as anyone else..that my sexual desires don’t matter to the God of the whole fucking Universe…

I don’t want anything to do with a god who will judge me because of me liking women over men…(and I am thinking I will never not like men)..I mean I want to be loved….soooo much by the God that created me and has watched me walk my life for 51 years now..I don’t want that LOVE to be turned away just because my sexual preference has changed…or because i put on 5 pounds, or because my hair is greying…I want a God who is bigger than all that physical shit…who can hold my hand and face life and love and joy and pain alongside me, not shove me aside not carrying about what i think or feel.

I have to be, no check that, I GET TO BE fully honest with myself this time around…no holding back…and what a glorious trip this has been…so many mini lives lived in this one lifetime…and now…NOW I finally get to be completely who I am…

Goddess…please take my hand as we continue this journey to see what the rest of my life has in store…

 

OxoxoX

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