No More Scripture

I was reading my Richard Rohr daily email a second ago and I found myself shuffling through the scripture…I have done that with everything scriptural since I said out loud “I am a lesbian”.

I don’t know that it is fear as much as it is I really, really don’t believe the dogmatic, legalistic God loves gays. And that is the only kind of God I have ever known…I have been told so much that i can’t do this or that when practicing christianity that I lost myself in the desire to want to be acceptable…to god and man.

I find myself no longer interested or desiring scripture…and was always told that that means I have ‘fallen away’…and i suppose to some extent i have. i have fallen away from the old ideas and beliefs and poundings of ‘this is god and this is how you need to approach him’…i am done with that…

i want to connect to my inner most being; that place i KNOW God resides; because that is the place where pure love lives and that is the place where i want to live from as well.

i am in total upheaval about God and scripture and being a lesbian…and when i quiet all that garbage somehow The One is there..underneath all the chatter and noise…telling me i am pure love…no matter what i practice or what i do to find serenity…underneath all the noise and physical manifestations of my relationship with God…that universal love is there…waiting with open arms to welcome me home…love doesn’t care if i am a lesbian, a borderline personality, a drug addicted drunk…Love has no agenda…just simply doesn’t care about all the things i am or what i do…love simply moves..love is eternal acceptance of all the things i am…no judging, no preaching, no ‘you gotta do this in order have that’..none of it…

I have a hard time reading scripture not because satan has me by the short hairs but because i cannot read it without hearing other people’s agenda..and i don’t like that…i have had enough ‘shoulda coulda woulda’ from other people my whole life when I want to hear and talk about God I don’t want that going on…i want to be still…and know!!!

I want to go to the place where pure love lives and meet love there…it is there where i find myself…the self that has not been judged by others…the self who is pure love and who wants so desperately to live from that place…

so the labels and layers are coming off…it is still a helluva journey going to that place; separating yourself from your ego is not without work; and yet, it is the most rewarding things…i wish sometimes, that i could still connect with scripture and FEEL AND KNOW God..that is not honoring myself right now and i can’t do that..honoring myself must come first for it is the only true doorway to that place..the place where God resides in me…that love place…

i am not sure what else to say…the ego part of me feels like i owe everyone an explanation because i can’t read their posts completely…and let me be clear..it is NOT out of a place of rebellion…it is simply not where i am at today…

My greatest hope is that everyone can find the fount from which there is only pure love because that is what sustains me, what has allowed me to do the things i don’t want to do..pure love…unadulterated by man or me or anything…

OxoxoX

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