I woke up this morning with this generational guttural sadness in my body and soul today. My parents are in town for their what is going to turn out to be every other month visit and it brings up such profound sadness in me that i can hardly breathe.

This time it is different; this time the depth and width of this sadness is palatable and alive and it just hurts my soul…

I do not have a clue what it is like to have given birth to any child. No one on this earth calls me mom; and…the amount of pain in my dad’s heart around how he treated is children is so painful. He is so conditioned like I was, to see only the negative. Trying to get him to see the polarity, the idea that there is now, for me anyway, an ‘and’ stuck in the sacred middle…’yes i have been extremely selfish and self-centered AND that is not all of who i am today’…and so we had that discussion yesterday in the middle of a restaurant and i looked right into his eyes and saw his pain…

i cannot help him. i can tell him how i balanced it out because living on the side of I’m a piece of crap was literally me so i had to find the ‘and’; i can offer what worked for me which i did but then to look up and see his eyes…filled with years and years of tears never cried…left me speechless and sitting in the sacred now of the moment..

I want so desperately for my parents to live the last part of their lives free from ALL that junk..knowing i have no control, knowing i can only offer moments of respite from the layers upon layers of guilt, is not only a pleasure it is seen this morning as a sacred gift and one that i am completely grateful i can show up for and be present for today.

They are here until Saturday afternoon, mom left her kindle with me to hopefully get me to ‘figure it out’ for her (I am thankful it took all of 3 minutes) so they will be back again tomorrow and we will chat, eat more, and talk..I really desire not to get so deep with them but it almost feels like that is not in my control either…I certainly didn’t plan to start my time with them yesterday with my dads eyes filled with water…somehow the conversation naturally goes there (that may have something to do with my personality as a whole) but I don’t force the conversations…I just want to be able to have some fun with them too…I want them to be able to be at peace, not have absolutely one left over here when they die…that somehow is important to me and I have told The One that I will do whatever I can to share how I am living today, nothing held back, in the hopes of showing them there is another way…

I do believe THIS is the true intent of honoring my mother and father..wanting and being willing to help them achieve peace…my heart, my soul, hurts for them…that they gave so much to us 5 only to in the end have such pain and regret…whew…

I am grateful for the life I choose to live every single day because I am free…I haven’t regretted anything for some time…I haven’t felt guilt around another person for a very long time…all this to say i do not believe that makes me any better than anyone, or like I have anyone else’s answer…it just makes me aware that all the work I have done, all the choices I have made have been very, very well worth it.

If I had to meet my maker today I could with peace in my soul and that is a blessing beyond words.


heart filled with peace

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