listening….

“Done or existing alone”…solitary. I am a person that must have it in order to thrive and be whom I am meant to be..It is the starting point of where I begin each day and where each day comes quietly to a close…

I just read this morning, from the book Eternal Echoes by John O’Donohue this wonderful quote that made me say out loud ‘Yep, I get that!”

“There is none of the distraction and avoidance that meets you in a family home which somehow protects both you and them from exposure. In the solitary home you have a certain access everywhere to the solitude of the inhabitant.” When I read that somehow a warmth of comfortably washed over me followed quickly and ever so slightly by sadness. I don’t always wake up wanting and willing to have my heart open bare every time my eyes open; even here by myself sometimes that is a rather ominous way to start the day out.

And yet…I believe the Universe, God if you will, in all its wonders and mysteries and delights created me to solely have that delight this time around. Sometimes it is too painful, oh sure I have music, tv, computer…just because there isn’t another human with me all the time doesn’t mean i don’t have distractions; and in the end it is always me..i have no desire to run from that today…in the stillness that is a new day I am here, vulnerable, open, and willing to go to the depths of me to be at peace in the solitude for there is no reason for a solitary life if one cannot enjoy the quiet.

Meeting myself every morning; sometimes I just want to love her; I want to feel the love that God created me in and the love that is still in and around me all the time; for that is what sustains me in the quiet, lonely moments of my day. How do I do that? I feel the depths of me…I trust that inside me is a place where only God can come, a place that is pure light and that is where I meet her, waiting for me/my conscious mind to visit. I feel her this morning…my whole self if you will…and the amount of love I feel for myself in my depths almost shocks me because you see, it doesn’t take much for me to recall the days, hours and years I spent not being about to really connect with my soul at all..

I woke up this morning feeling distracted; I felt nothing but condemnation for myself and was comparing myself to others and blah, blah, blah; if you have lived longer than a day in this existence you know precisely what I am talking about…then I started looking for yarn and came across John’s book and I stopped. Read a paragraph, put Pachelbel Canon in D that is being played with violins in my ears and here I sit…feeling a ball of warmth in my chest and able to connect that to myself…the warmth and love i feel in my chest beats just like my heart…after its Creator…one beat at a time…

I let the violins sweep me away as I am doing this almost free writing. I am no longer distracted, I have connected to The One and myself which are really one in the same. I am sooo grateful for my solitary life; for the consciousness to know when I am being distracted from The Source…I know this today and grateful doesn’t even skim the surface of how that makes me feel…the power in knowing; to quiet myself down when distractions happen because you see…the other glorious thing (most of the time) about the solitary life is there is no one to blame and/or give credit to for my choices…..for THAT I am soooo blessed…

I am not sure there was/is a point to any of this…I don’t have this grand conclusion that I can sum all this up in I only know that I can finally hear my soul saying ‘shhhhh’ and I never, ever knew that is something that I wanted in my life let alone would ever crave it. And yet…

As the violins strum along this gorgeous song that makes me feel like I can fly, I will stop writing now for it too is a distraction and I will just let the movement of the music take me deeper into the love in me with every breathe…

OxoxoX

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