Agape…

Agape: ” affection, good-will, love, benevolence”

I have been doing a lot of talking with the manager here about my neighbor and I cried both yesterday and today because I understand the neighbor; I get the neighbor; hell minus the two kids I was the neighbor…

First I will preface this by saying I am in no way, shape, or form better than anyone else. We ALL have our things; things that get us, make us made or things we feel emotional about. AND…I moved into this apartment after 50 years of pushing and fighting and holding onto hate and rage until the very last second…so I get it! I truly do…

And what I got in touch with in the managers office this morning is that deep, deep, deep inside (hopefully she won’t have to wait 42 years) there is a very, very wounded girl. I can say that will all authority in me…I once raged, and hurt others with my mouth so bad that I deemed myself unable to ever be forgiven….so I want to reach out to my neighbor and yet every time I do I am met with the same anger and rage looking back at me as I once had looking back at everyone else…

I was homeless; never tried being something other than what I was, a hopeless bum who hated deeply and had no time for love, after all, that only led to more pain….and I didn’t have obstacles in my way like a job or a family…I was full on 100% bona fide rage!! Every…single….second….!

So I guess I am writing this morning in an attempt to tell the Universe I understand. Sometimes you cannot be a light for someone if they only want to continue walking in the darkness. I can live quietly and love deeply at a distance. I can help her along her path by not tolerating that which is intolerable…that’s how I can help..or what I can do rather…she doesn’t need help…not yet!!

Sometimes when I walk out my door and life is looking at me from every direction, the life I once led, it makes me sob…because I have made choices that have allowed me to live a different life…I know the path of darkness, hate, rage…I got that one down perfectly..almost to the end of the line…and then out of sheer necessity…I made a choice to trust LOVE.

That was the first (and only thing today) I actually trusted..and it has never, ever let me down. No, I am not talking human love I am talking Agape…from the Creator of the whole Fucking Universe…

And when, or if, that happens for anyone else is not for me to try and dictate when or if…it is up to me to empathize and move on..not discard away but simply move on when I recognize that rage monster in someone else because there is just no helping someone when they are co-existing with the monster…

I am blessed and soooo grateful that I trust agape LOVE!

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OxoxoX

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