for the past few weeks, I have been in a fantasy more than not. Oh I show up for my life; do what is in front of me, enjoy the moment; blah, blah, blah!

I also create this world in my head that will never exist as a place to go to when the outside world becomes to much. I have been having ongoing issues with a neighbor for a couple of months now. Because I am in subsidized housing, because we live in a ‘sue me’ society because of a lot of reasons, said neighbor is still next door, making such horrible noise that it is easier for me to escape into a fantasy in my head to quiet down all other things.

that is really hard for me; it is an old behavior and yet when I am trapped, which is often the way I feel lately, it is the most safest thing I could do..

I have come so far; listen the fact that i haven’t laid a hand on said neighbor is nothing short of a miracle; so i have that much self control and yet…this morning it feels like my head is wanting me to beat myself up for creating a world that will never, ever exist; just like i did when i was a girl getting all the abuse done to me…

my best friend always tells me ‘by any means necessary’ and sometimes i take that a bit literal i suppose. i just need and want the noise to stop…seems so funny, not literally, that me, who once was a very, very loud, aggressive person, has issues with noise today. it is like once your soul has been revealed there truly is no escaping it…and i cannot do repeated noise at all affects my soul, my mind and my heart beyond words…

so i just go away…i have relationships in my head that will never exist because it is safer than trying to figure out all the ins and outs of real ones..i haven’t lost all…my sister a/k/a my best friend is in contact with me every single day (cuz that’s how we role not cuz i’m a mental case) and i let her know all about what is going on…for whatever reason i just needed to type it out today..

i am not always happy that i have a mental illness, that i process stuff in my head different than everyone else…and yet i function somedays i actually thrive and i am grateful for those days.

i am grateful for my mind too, that part of me that knows when i have had enough and just shuts off into this fantasy life where i don’t hurt anyone or anything..i just can the quiet…and be okay…if only for the moment…


be you

Posted in BPD

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