Good Morning God..

It’s me, Lisa. I am just gonna purge my soul if that’s alright with you..

As you know, Sunday August 23, 2015 I ran smack dab into myself and couldn’t run anymore…I had a deep soul awakening that I was gay and probably even born that way..now since then, the very few people I have told all listen intently to me than take a breathe and say ‘duh’ or something to the equivalent…and that may be there truth but my truth is still unfolding…

well let me rephrase…I am pretty secure in knowing I am gay I just am not sure what that means…I am attracted to men and yet I find myself flirting with girls…but on a deeper level I am not sure what gay is to me…what that means…most of all in relation to you!

I have been removing, or slammed the door shut to any appearance that I am about a boxed off, one way only kind of God and yet that leaves me wondering…how big am I gonna make my God…in my mind and heartA…I am tired of God being associated with a gender; I am tired of having to feel like I need to talk about a masculine God and like I get shunned if I mention the Goddess; the female aspect of God…

As you know stuff has been really bad with my neighbor; bad in the sense that I have fallen back into the shadow….hiding out of fear, out of lack of control, lack of peace…and some say that is because I have stopped praying and reading the bible or anything scripture…i want to f-e-e-l the love God has for me…no matter what gender i put on God…i want to     f-e-e-l like i am loved…bigly…by the God that created me…

I no longer what gender or circumstance or environment or the things i do or do not do to define my relationship with the God that created Lisa Ann Wood in the image of love…pure love…THAT is where I came from and where I want to live…I want to feel that in my soul and not have to rely on someone telling me or reading it somewhere…

Are ya feelin me God? Inside ME is where YOU are….and what is interesting is….it is also where thoughts and feelings and….well you made me a very complex person…but you already know that don’t you?

When i think of what you must be like (I have an ego, I can’t not do that) the inside of my being gets warm; when i cry cuz i just can’t do it one more second…the neighbor, the self hate, the lies…i feel you…when i close my eyes and am as still as i can be…i feel the love you created me in….i don’t know what my purpose is (again, seems to be an ego feeding proportion from where I sit) let me re-phrase…i don’t know…i have had so much pain in my life…and i don’t know why the lessons i have had have been mine…this morning i just feel done with it all…i don’t know why such a gentle, fragile spirit is here to witness and live through such hate and pain…i don’t know what the grand plan of any of that is…

I have so much “wrong” with me…mental illness, obesity…blah, blah, blah…and yet you created me…as you did every single other soul floating around this Universe in search whatever it is they are in search of…YOU created me…LOVE created me…regardless of what man had done to thwart that…LOVE CREATED ME…and any time i move away from that…that knowing in me…all the other ‘stuff’ that i can be defined by rears its head and off i go…

it is hard and painful to just sit in the knowing that LOVE CREATED ME….THAT IS MY CENTER….THAT is where you live my friend…i cannot not be me…full of emotion and thoughts all swirling around into the vortex that is me…i have tried to the point of near extinction, to not be me…i don’t wanna anymore…

this morning i am here with you..bare souled…letting you know that i am hurting…i am tired, ya know that kind of tired no amount of sleep seems to remove..and i am weary…AND…LOVE CREATED ME to be and feel and do all those things…

I am NOT ‘too much’! I am NOT ‘too’ anything. I am a beautiful creature who has a lot of labels i.e lesbian, addict, crazy, lazy, etc. etc. etc…

Please help me this day live from my center..live from the LOVE CREATED ME place…it is pretty crazy around here already and yet I want to live from my center KNOWING I am wholly and rightly loved and not ‘too much’…

I love you God. You have had me, lovingly, by the short hairs for a number of years…and for that I am grateful…you removed the stones and opened the cage so I could fly…so I can re-define myself with any definition I want and for that I am eternally, wholly soul-fully grateful.

This is PRIDE weekend. There is a lot to be proud about…thanks for your time and your love and thank you for being you….don’t forget to put the coffee cup in the sink when you’re done 😉  It’s been a great visit…

Much Love

OxoxoX

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