On this day thirty years ago, I walked into a house with dirty clothes, a dirty body and an angry, angry angry soul.
I had just got kicked out of a traveling carnival; my mom(who was on a hit list a week before) came and got me and took me to treatment for drug and alcohol addiction.
I was tore up from the floor up! The only word I knew was ‘fuck’ and I used it in regards to everything. I was the meanest bitch you would ever wanna know. I pulled the guy who was going to go to my parents house and slit my mom’s throat from ear to ear in her sleep. I had not one once of love in my heart; was totally black. Was not accepting love coming in either and I hurt some real kind people very badly with the things I said just to keep them away from me.
Love equaled pain. Love was not real. Love was an illusion, used by people who only wanted something from me. Know one loved me for being me; me was so far gone down the black hole and she was never coming out for no one or nothing.
I got kicked out of treatment after six months and when I left there, all the counselors told me I wouldn’t stay clean or sober one week after I left.
I sat in three AA meetings a day for the first five years of my sobriety; every single day because I needed too and because I couldn’t deal with real life. Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous and the people there when I came through the door. I slammed my way through the house (on Baker Street where the meetings were) and made my way back to get coffee and everyone tried t welcome me and I proceeded to tell them all to fuck off. They would laugh and tell me things like ‘keep coming back’ and ‘let us love you until you can love yourself’…
I am still here…thirty years later…that is 10,950 one day at a time. I couldn’t even make it a full day for the first couple of years; I had an untreated mental diagnosis (that I didn’t really know about) I was raging being being molested for ten years by my dad(which I didn’t remember until I had twenty years of sobriety) and I had a whacked up emotional nature being raised in shame and guilt for the whole of my life.
I got to treatment nine days from my twenty second birthday. I seriously have not had a drop or a drug since the fiftieth of August 1986…
I am in no way, shape or form bragging about this. I share this here, this day; in the hopes that if someone is struggling with addiction they will have an infamous moment of clarity that allows them to be quiet enough inside to look at themselves surrounded by the walls of pain. Layers upon layers upon layers of pain..that take years and years to weed through.
Thirty years ago, I was consumed with a desire for others (particularly my mom) to take care of me the rest of my life. I was bound and determined to make her pay; for what I was never really clear about.
Today after layers and layers of work and pain and hate and blame have been worked through, I can honestly say I love both my parents very, very much. Forgiveness has been the balm that has healed our relationship. That is courtesy of a Loving God who never stopped loving me.
This is the start of another year, the end of one ore day; and it is a day that I can look back and see all my personal growth; I no longer hate with a passion that can drive you insane; I no longer am a slave to rage or addiction; I can lovingly tell people how I am feeling and work through bumps in relationships that matter to me today.
Two years ago, I got the opportunity to move over to the Coast which is where I have wanted to live since I was little. The ocean has always been my rescuer and always will be. I have been fully self-supporting for ten years now. I have relationships in my life that I never ever imagined I would have AND…I am able to let people know today when i hurt. I am not a shell walking around with no soul. I am a soul walking a round with a shell that is peace and love and kindness and gentleness.
Thank you seems inadequate someone and yet…thank you Bill Willson and Dr Bob for just being two drunks who listened and shared and helped each other so that I may live and live my life oh so abundantly today.
If you are in the grip of a continuous and progressive illness and want a way out..please contact your local AA Chapter. You are not alone and you deserve to have a full, happy abundant life.