My Spirit is not letting me not write anything today so here goes…
It is approaching a very difficult time for a lot (probably most its only a lot that talk about it) of people and may this note be of encouragement not of guilt.
I have not ever been able to “do the Holidays” like others, where the noise and busyness excites some, I always prefer the quiet, internal-ness that this time of year can bring.
Don’t get me wrong, I am part of a seven people family that is now twenty plus(in the immediate circle) so I have always been around the hustle and bustle that comes around this time of year and recently I have not been able to tolerate it.
I have worked extremely hard in creating my home to be MY OWN; my physical home and the home that houses my soul. And honoring myself when I say no to family gatherings makes me slide that much more into a healthy kind of pride.
My family is widely dysfunctional. My parents are both over eighty and no one talks about it; the holidays are the most superficial time of all with all of them acting like they love/like you and also are standing in the kitchen whispering about how disgusted they are about the way I live, or my sisters drinking…and it is the only time of year anyone contacts you because it is “the right thing to do.”
So I decided years ago, once I started remembering about the sexual abuse and once I got diagnosed with BPD, that I would never, ever put myself in a situation with any of them that I wasn’t one hundred percent okay with. And I have managed to keep it that way for ten years now. YAH ME!!
I am responsible for protecting myself. I no longer seek one-sided, back stabbing relationships with any of them. If they want to see/talk with me, they can call or make plans to come to my ocean home and hang out with me…so in the last two years that I have lived here…none of them have even called, let alone come and visited. My parents, however, are a different story; they come to the city where I live twice a year, there is a casino close by, and my mom enjoys the penny machines and the removal of the ordinary stress that she has come to know in her life, so they come and stay at the casino and we have a great visit and they go home…
My point of all of that is…I do not do anything I don’t want to do just because society says..I don’t listen to the christmas music that talks about there being no place like home..none of that.
As hard as it has been to create my home to be a place of peace, compassion and love, I am no longer willing to give it up just for the sake of a family who continues to show me they are not worth me giving it up. And I don’t feel guilty about it. Since I have become the protector of the girl in the attic, I don’t have one once of guilt for not participating in peoples lives for the sake of anything. No longer do I participate in keeping the family image together…because my family… I am the most important in my life today.
There is no place like home; I get that now. There is no place like the home I have created inside of me; the home I live in all year around. So when I venture out during this time of year, it is solely because I WANT to, not because society is giving me a continued message of ‘must be with family for holidays no matter what’, when I get peacefully attracted to the hustle and bustle that happens at the local coffee shop it is because I have planned it. When I heed a call from my family, the chosen one, to spend time at their house, I will go because they live in harmony and peace as well.
May this note be one of encouragement, love and compassion. May you feel less alone if you choose not to get spun into the drama that can be all around us this time of year. And may you always, always have a lot to be thankful for inside your heart.
““You were born a child of light’s wonderful secret— you return to the beauty you have always been.”