I just got word that someone from my past, not in a bad way, wants to reconnect. Apparently I have done such a great job at being incognito online that no one who use to know me can find me. That is what I desire. I want to have control over who is in my life, whether virtually or in real time, at all times.
So I am not to terribly anxious to get ahold of this person for a number of reasons. I don’t want to loose who I am now. I don’t want or need the past drudged up, we went our separate ways, words were shared, we both got on with our lives…I don’t need or desire a therapist in any way shape or form. Seems like in my previous life (a few years ago) the only people I had in my life were counselors/therapists and although the ‘helping’ wasn’t blatant and obvious, I can still see how they all thought I was a problem that needed fixing.
Now my head says that said counselor things I have been drinking and she wants to make sure she can’t offer her services to me in some fashion. That is, upon reading it, a bit extreme and yet…I just can’t bring myself to seek her out…for what? We have nothing in common anymore. I am peacefully blissfully sober and enjoying my life. I don’t go to meetings anymore, I don’t desire drama of any kind in my life…
And the other part says…maybe…there are very few people who can handle who I am now because I am not a jesus freak, angry loud person…and that is the context most people have me in…
I don’t know…she is not worth risking my mental health, she is not worth risking my emotional well being and the grounded person I have become. I am one of those people that believe there are people who can mess with my grounding; doesn’t mean i am not strong or that I lack faith…
I am just breathing deeply and thanking Goddess that I am here to live and love and laugh another day.
It is sure interesting to me how someone has to go through a completely unknown party to reach me however!!
So I have been really drawing inward and learning about my path and what that looks like for nobody else but me.
I have gotten some essential oils in my home; I have gotten a strong sense of the beauty in silence and I have this yearning to beautify my home with plants and flowers.
So I am not a green thumb; I have never had the patience frankly. So last week my sister was here and we went to the local garden shop and the person that helped us was named Kermit. Who else better to grow green things than a very nice kat named Kermit..it really all makes sense in a cosmic kind of way.
So what I learned is that I love plants to much. My sister brought me two very nice terra cotta pots that are normally used for strawberries but instead I will use one for my kitchen garden and the other one is filled with these….
And with that gorgeousness comes the knowledge that “you love them too much.” I had no working understanding of what that meant; I only new that pinks and oranges needed to be in my environment so I could breathe in the beauty of each color…
So this morning, as I am listening to the thunder roll, after last nights pounding storm with intermitent thunder boomers (yeah!!) I looked out at my pot and lets just say it doesn’t any longer look like the picture above.
Which isn’t what disturbs me…what disturbs me is that those flowers are getting pummeled by rain before their time. I am coming to a guttural understanding of ‘everything in its season’…I don’t think one can get a mental/emotional grasp of that often flung out sentence until one buys beautiful flowers and sees them being pummeled which in fact changes the color, shape and size of them.
So everything really does have a season; when I mess with something ‘out of season’ including myself; I am subject to unnecessary pummeling. I have an internal struggle leaving those flowers precisely where they are on my back porch; wanting to love them and bring them under a roof to unbruised them however I don’t think that will matter. The damage has been done…so now the lesson if you will, is to love them precisely the way they are now. Recognizing that they may not flourish as much as if they weren’t getting rained on so badly, but they will flourish, for a season. I mean they still captivate me with their colors…
I need to leave them be. I bought them knowing it wasn’t done raining on the Oregon Coast, (it never is really) and they will survive until they don’t. They have been fed, and now they are doing what flowers do…regardless of the weather. They are prompting my mind to continue to see the beauty in all things no matter what it looks like.
I am not entirely sure about this ‘desire to grow things’ and where it is coming from but I do so love it. I do so love having deep, real, un made beauty in my environment and now as I am typing this…the sun is peaking out through the clouds…and I can hear the flowers say ‘ahhh’.
I had no idea it was going to be so hard for me to just let them be…let them fully be their bright, beautiful selves without fixing them in any way…
Maybe Kermit was right…
Deep Love & Rich Blessings
This just happened….
Not sure why that is so big but…there ya go. I started out this year sharing my story; a synopsis really, of my life as someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder.
Go. Read It. Share it with anyone who may be suffering with any mental illness. WE ARE NOT ALONE!!!
And please, support any organization that is fighting the stigma that is so inherent with mental illness because the stigma often times, is worse than the illness itself.
Thank you for sharing my life and my journey here.
Deep Love & Rich Blessings.
I have finally overcome a 22+ year old fear; you know the one. It haunts you in your dreams, it screams at you around every corner of your waking hours…
“I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!”
I think as I grow older and hopefully maturing, I am learning the secret to living a quality life is learning that there is no such thing as ‘enough’. When I am on that cycle, whether other voices or mine, there is just no getting around it…there will never be enough.
I have also learned that the only way to remove that voice/those tapes, is to just DO IT!! What ever that it is that I am not good enough for…and ya know, that is what happened today…I just did it!!
No voices telling me I can’t, just me pushing along, not even hearing the fear tape but recognizing the gynormity of how long it has been since wanting and actually doing had met up…
I bought some essential oils as a christmas present for myself and I have been using them in my amazing diffuser and today that just wasn’t enough. I had to figure out how to use a carrier oil so I could put the oils directly on my skin…and so…I just did it.
I feel an unholy pride in the fact that I have two containers, one with lavender and eucalyptus and the other peppermint, that can now be applied directly to my body…wherever the need is.
The lavender and eucalyptus together creates a wonderful combination for my asthma/sinus stuff…the eucalyptus is a holy healer, a decongestion that opens my lungs up right away while the lavender keeps the rest of me calm…
The peppermint will be used when I need peace, and when I need to quiet a headache and also when I need to feel rejuvenated and revived. These are all pure oils and the peppermint is cooling so it reduces muscle tension and tightness in my lungs as well.
I am so grateful I am stepping into the shoes of my almost forgotten soul. To be able to walk with pride about who I am and who I’m becoming is truly a beautiful thing. I am deeply grateful.
January 28, 2017 at 2:30m
LOTS to process since the last time I typed. So much going on in the world; so many one-sided, closed minded opinions being flung around like they are gospel; so much mild hatred happening because someone disagrees with your opinion…
I just want peace. Seriously. I really am in a balanced place about who the current President is and the recent women’s march that happened…I know it is unpopular but I have no opinion either way. And I have been told that is wrong; I need to get off the fence and pick a side…
and to that I so ‘no thank you.’
No thank you.
I don’t want to pick a side. I want to see how both voices are valid and important and necessary. If/when I pick a side one is wrong, and one is right. I am working on staying in the middle where all points are welcome.
That creates havoc when I check into Facebook or Twitter. Social media MUST have us divided for it to be of any use…I will not pick a side.
All that to say I have removed two friends from Facebook that I had known (ten years ago) in real time because it is like they have disappeared and all that is known about them is every single thing President Trump has said and every single person’s twist on it.
I want to use social media to spread light. I am not one to share the popular opinion, or sugar coat my dislike of someone because they disagree with me.
I have evolved from that and my soul needs to keep evolving. I do not want to pick sides; and if it comes down to it, I will disconnect again from all social media because I will not. If I cannot be honoured for holding the place of no position, I will not be on social media.
I say BRAVO to anyone who shares how they feel; whether I agree or not…BRAVO!!!!
I have a heavy heart today and I am okay with that.
Sending much light and love out into the Universe.
Lets ALL embrace life with awe and wonder instead of picking sides and spewing a quiet hatred that will eat away at a soul.
or any other animal that might have been lurking in the bag that I had no idea about…
Well with the ushering in of the new year on this, the third day, I was encouraged to write my journey of living with mental illness…and I did.
Just put hands to the keyboard, haven’t even had coffee yet, and typed out a basic synopsis of what the last 52 years have been like…
eeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk!! It feels scary and vulnerable and powerful all at the same time. Other people are going to know what I have lived through…people I do not know nor will I ever see are going to know a bit, well the essence really, of who I am…
whew. there is a little girl inside jumping up and doing going ‘yawhooooo she finally did it!!!’ Yep I finally talked about my journey and I feel a bit like I have jumped into the coldest water ever when it is 20 below at…you know that exhilaration that goes with that, well that must go with that….
I DID IT!!!! YAWHOOOOOOOOOO!!
No more darkness. No more hidden corners of darkness. The sash has been drawn and the window pulled up to let the fresh air come wafting in through the pillars in the attic. It will soon become her solitary place and not the place she runs to to scream and holler and hurt herself.
Goddess has been given permission to move into the attic and protect her…I no longer have to do it; it is no longer me, but Goddess, who will take care of her…I can let all of that go…
I AM FREE!!!
Blessed Be )0(