Me and Fat and Fear…AND LOVE!

ahhhhh.

I am so ready to shed this skin that I now have…AND fear stops me…

I just had a talk with myself down on the floor which, at 325 pounds is something i haven’t done for some time…i started sobbing and had one hand on my tummy and one had on my heart saying over and over and over again ‘I’m sorry!’

The fat and the fear have always , always been useful(with the exception of not stopping my dad) Useful in the sense of keeping people away; it is lots easier to talk behind an obese persons back in whispers rather than approach them because they equal everything unhealthy…in some minds…

I am, right now at 4:25pm Monday June 12, 2017, acutely aware of how much pain my body is in…and the fact that I am doing it to myself…that cuts deep through the fear and the bullshit and goes straight to my soul…

I AM DOING THIS TO MY BODY…I AM CAUSING MY PHYSICAL SHELL UNDUE STRESS AND HARM BECAUSE I AM OBESE…

i would like to say I feel better now however that truth is deeply painful.

I no longer have to hurt myself…I am not talking about loosing weight, going to gym, yada, yada, yada…I am talking about a soul recognition that will bring about an awareness, a conscious awareness of what I put into my body and what i do to my body..

In 2012 I lost 85lbs. I was still completely terrified and was not grounded in anything; guys were whistling, I didn’t have 3 chins…and it was an outside, physical thing…

Today I live my life beyond the depths. I am learning how to listen; be patient; and most of all be kind(on a spiritual level) AND YET…

I went to the grocery store and did not purchase anything with sugar in it…I was sitting in a chair that had my legs hanging over and when I got home, after the shopping and the walking that I did, my hips ached so much I cried to my body and said ‘I am sorry!”

I am working so hard at living from a place of peace and yet fear still governs my eating habits! Fear of living from a place of intense emotion…

Right now this moment I don’t have to fear that…I am a sensitive soul. I am an empath. I am wired to where emotions are my connection to the Great I Am and my connection to myself and all…I don’t have to fear myself anymore…I need to love myself and love myself abundantly…how do I do that….

I mean I have gotten a good grasp of my fear (most) of them throughout my day, however when it comes to sugar, or even just food I eat because I am lonely or bored or or or…

I want to eat as mindfully as I meditate. I want to eat as mindfully as I listen. I want to eat mindfully. Eating to feed my body. Not to loose weight, not for any other reason but that I want to love my body by what I am eating not hating it.

Goddess, I know the physical pain that I’m feeling right now will leave. May the moment of clarity that I have experienced as a result be my MIND-FULL-NESS reason to pursue health in my eating habits and choices.

I am sure it will take a minute but I feel a shift inside…I am done hurting myself. More importantly…

I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF WHOLLY, COMPLETELY AND UNCONDITIONALLY!

Deep Love & Rich Blessings

OxoxoX

God Rest…

It’s beginning to look a lot like Yuletide….

Happy December Friends and good morning to you all.

Just passing through on my way to an enriching cup of coffee and getting this sock done I’m working on and wanted to say good morning to all you beautiful souls and wish the the most beautiful day ever!!

Have a wonderful day and continue to be the blessing that you ARE.

Much Love

OxoxoX

15267979_1631948433489337_2498027419829274123_n

I’m not an evangelical anything anymore! And I’m breathing and having my being in that truth for me…and it’s fabulous!!!

I believe in my depths that My God rejoices when I wear a polka dotted rain slicker that doesn’t fully snap in the front cuz there is no snaps, and I go to the grocery store to get groceries and it’s pouring down rain!! 

I do not believe, being a native Oregonian, that one cannot whistle and hum when they are feeling the raindrops dance to their own rhythm on my head!

I glorified My God this morning by taking care of me, chatting with folks I’ve never met, and whistled and hummed all the way home because my heart was overflowing with blessings in this moment.

No longer am I bound to doin it this way or doin that way, if it doesn’t included that then it’s not…those actions no longer hold my body or mind captive to the coulda, woulda, shoulda dance!!

I am free to dance in the rain and share the light that always lives in my soul rain or shine!!

What an awesome God/dess I relation with!

Have a wonderful rainshiny day!!!

OxoxoX

My sister went home a couple hours ago and we had a great, deep talk. Seems like I am growing more and more real and fond with her. I have been in an active, seeking to know kind of relationship with her for years and I shared stuff with her that no one else knows…which created an unknown putting up my shield with her for the last month (we see each other one day a month)

Yesterday when she arrived and after the crafty show and tell I let it fly out of my mouth that i needed not to correspond with her via email anymore, for a period of time. No telling how long the period of time..she was okay with that and as we continued talking it finally was revealed to me why i felt like i was treading backwards in my relationship with her…because over my birthday weekend i shared stuff with her that i had never talked with anyone about and i had shared a desire with her that i had never told anyone..

it created a loop-da-loop in my mind and i have been pushing away (unconsciously) from her since then. My head had been creating arguments, and reasons to be mad etc until it dawned on me “you shared pretty intimate stuff with her’…i had no what was up until she was in my living room, that the level i shared with her was a bit intimate…it is hard to realize the why of something regarding another person if said person isn’t in my environment…

so when i realized that it was like the wall had come down and it instantly changed, even by a millimeter…still it began to change.

Nothing grows in the dark. I believe that with everything in my heart. I can’t get un-stuck or move forward if i don’t know what is causing the stuckedness…

So the rest will take time. Of which I was reassured she wasn’t going anywhere so it can take all the time necessary….

I am grateful she was here and I am grateful to have my home back.

Thank you so much sweet sister for the Sacred Sister time.

Much Love

OxoxoX

When.

when i hear your voice

i feel the universal connection to my soul.

when i see your eyes

i inspire to be more.

when i feel your touch

the flame of a thousand fires ignites in my guts.

you are me. i am you.

universe upon universe separate our souls

yet we cannot unknown what we know…

each other.

raw.

real.

always…

thank you.

02/11/16

%22Soul Searching” by MichaelO

Hey There…

WOW!!! This year has been an incredibly freaky ride…I am not at all sure what I mean by that except it has been challenging…

I have Borderline Personality Disorder which, in my understanding of it, means that I have ‘BIG’ emotions; it is also a challenge for me to process information the way other folks do..

This year I have contemplated cutting myself and suicide again off and on throughout the year. The little girl in the attic was large and in charge for most of this year. I am not sure how to explain that other than the BPD me came out of the shadows. Which wouldn’t be so bad if her way of coping with stuff wasn’t to harm me…

There was a constant barrage of noise and cursing and hate that had filtered its way into my home (and heart) via a neighbor and now that neighbor has been gone 17 days; I am able to truly evaluate my life and look at this past year and see it for what it is…

I have come to believe that having a mental disorder just means that I process stuff different than most. I don’t need to be ‘put away’ for the way I process stuff; I am fortunate that I don’t needs meds either…but it is so very painful. I don’t fit into any cookie cutter mold. When shit hits the fan I process the way I do just as with everyone. It doesn’t mean that God doesn’t exist in my life when that is going on…it just means that from the moment I wake up I am battling with My Shadow; trying to convince myself that I deserve…that I am ‘enough’…and I have come to believe that unless you have a disorder, or are aware that you process stuff different…you have no opinion on my life and my choices.

I was shoved back into survival; in the truest sense of the word. I was bombarded with rage and hate every day for at least 12 hours a day for ten months…please do not judge me for how that looked on the outside.

Just like when I was being molested, it is my job to take care of The Attic; to make sure she knows she is loved, and safe….at whatever cost necessary. I am just now being able to literally be in my home; be present instead of floating off somewhere to stop the noise. I am healing..slowly…surely…and in my own time.

All I can say to you is that if you have someone in your life who has been diagnosed with any kind of mental difference if you will; if you cannot be loving and kind, remove yourself from their lives. We judge and hate ourselves enough; we don’t need those who say they “care about us” to do the same.

Having Borderline Personality Disorder is different. My life, the way I feel and process, is all very, very different from someone say at the grocery store AND both of us are doing what we need to do for ourselves. I am not here to do the busyness of life; I have been blessed to where I don’t have to hold a job and try and figure it all out; if I did I wouldn’t be here. I get overwhelmed pretty easy and by that I mean I can’t pretend I “have it all together” for any length of time…and I am very grateful for that.

I am not sure where any of this is coming from I don’t feel like I am tracking a thought but I do know that it is important for me to hear myself say I am loved. I am safe. Today I belong to The Universe; with all its majesty and glory and beauty; I too, qualify to be a part of the larger picture.

Much Love

OxoxoX

latern-2