Sadness…

In this pursuit of kicking myself off of sugar I am experiencing sadness today.

So I have a recent new found love of birds. Apparently came from no where and last year the little ones that fly around here made a nest in one of the complex’s bushes outside my back door and it was so profound for me that I have the nest…

A bit ago some little birds, not the same variety though, made a nest above a camera next to the laundry door and I have just grown to love watching them. The way mama makes the nest and gets the food…a fascinating process to watch.

I just went to see the manager and apparently the maintenance guy, because everything must look good; pressure washed the nest right off where it was at. Last week the mama still had baby(ies) in the nest so I am not sure if there were babies in their today or not.

I just spent a chunk of time watching two birds landing on the camera where the nest use to be only to have it not be there. All this in pursuit of mans dominion over everything. They weren’t, that nest was in a place where it wasn’t hurting a thing. So he said he had to make sure he could see the camera view…the lens was not where the nest was…he could have chose to clean up the sidewalk and leave that one little camera for another time. He did not.

I get tired of the aggressiveness of people, particularly the white male variety, that think that everything must be perfect or that cannot handle letting animals share the same space…I want to say ‘listen mister, they were here long before us. have some respect.’ I don’t. Today I am going to let my heart feel said for those two birds who use to have a home and now don’t because of a pressure washer…I don’t get the ‘i must control everything’ attitude, I mean I understand it but i don’t get it…over a birds nest..

I will not not ever care!!

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Authenticity…

Authentic: Of undisputed origin; genuine.

I woke up later than normal for me this morning and I just read and watched the video for Sesame Street featuring Julia, the new kid on the block who has Autism and it made me cry……

┬áMy sister has autism. And I lived with an untreated mental health diagnosis for 42 years because no one could figure it out…and now parents and their kids do not have to go through the frustrations and unknowing…there is absolutely nothing worse than having something off, loving someone and not being able to do a thing about it…

Kind of deep for first thing in the morning but there is no difference for me…I am deep all the time…and that can be really exhausting but it is more exhausting not being authentically ME!

The Creator of the whole Universe designed me in a way as to not be a carbon copy of absolutely anyone or anything else. I am slowly stripping those layers off and coming into my own fabulousness; not following any religion or rules or restrictions that someone else manufactured telling me THIS is the way I need to be in order to live a “full, healthy, happy” life. Stripping away, and really, truly looking at and letting go of all the ways I desperately tried to win love (that was the ultimate goal) has become something I welcome with open arms.

This day, I just do not believe that Creator created me to be a cookie cut out of anyone else. And that is creating an incomparable peace because you see, I have quit doing and saying and believing things that are just not true to my very own Spirit. The very thing, the only thing that connects me to that which created me. When I listen to her…really listen…my world becomes my world and love and life and well everything opens up and life is amazing. When I don’t listen to her I am one fearful, loud, following the latest whim person and I can no longer do that. I have truly crossed over the canyon of self and made it to the horizon of life and I cannot unknowing what I know. There is simply no turning back…YAWHOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Today is the first day of spring, at least on the calendar and well I suppose, goddess is doing something with the earth too but around these parts yesterday was sunny tee shirt weather and today we are pulling out the winter coasts again but that’s okay. I believe that Spring equals hope and hope is alive and well in these parts today.

May we all be who we authentically are today…and everyday!

Deep Love & Rich Blessings.

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Hello.

LOTS to process since the last time I typed. So much going on in the world; so many one-sided, closed minded opinions being flung around like they are gospel; so much mild hatred happening because someone disagrees with your opinion…

I just want peace. Seriously. I really am in a balanced place about who the current President is and the recent women’s march that happened…I know it is unpopular but I have no opinion either way. And I have been told that is wrong; I need to get off the fence and pick a side…

and to that I so ‘no thank you.’

No thank you.

I don’t want to pick a side. I want to see how both voices are valid and important and necessary. If/when I pick a side one is wrong, and one is right. I am working on staying in the middle where all points are welcome.

That creates havoc when I check into Facebook or Twitter. Social media MUST have us divided for it to be of any use…I will not pick a side.

All that to say I have removed two friends from Facebook that I had known (ten years ago) in real time because it is like they have disappeared and all that is known about them is every single thing President Trump has said and every single person’s twist on it.

I want to use social media to spread light. I am not one to share the popular opinion, or sugar coat my dislike of someone because they disagree with me.

I have evolved from that and my soul needs to keep evolving. I do not want to pick sides; and if it comes down to it, I will disconnect again from all social media because I will not. If I cannot be honoured for holding the place of no position, I will not be on social media.

I say BRAVO to anyone who shares how they feel; whether I agree or not…BRAVO!!!!

I have a heavy heart today and I am okay with that.

Sending much light and love out into the Universe.

Lets ALL embrace life with awe and wonder instead of picking sides and spewing a quiet hatred that will eat away at a soul.

Blessed Be.

)0(.

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Cat’s Out of The Bag…

or any other animal that might have been lurking in the bag that I had no idea about…

Well with the ushering in of the new year on this, the third day, I was encouraged to write my journey of living with mental illness…and I did.

Just put hands to the keyboard, haven’t even had coffee yet, and typed out a basic synopsis of what the last 52 years have been like…

eeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk!! It feels scary and vulnerable and powerful all at the same time. Other people are going to know what I have lived through…people I do not know nor will I ever see are going to know a bit, well the essence really, of who I am…

whew. there is a little girl inside jumping up and doing going ‘yawhooooo she finally did it!!!’ Yep I finally talked about my journey and I feel a bit like I have jumped into the coldest water ever when it is 20 below at…you know that exhilaration that goes with that, well that must go with that….

I DID IT!!!! YAWHOOOOOOOOOO!!

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No more darkness. No more hidden corners of darkness. The sash has been drawn and the window pulled up to let the fresh air come wafting in through the pillars in the attic. It will soon become her solitary place and not the place she runs to to scream and holler and hurt herself.

Goddess has been given permission to move into the attic and protect her…I no longer have to do it; it is no longer me, but Goddess, who will take care of her…I can let all of that go…

I AM FREE!!!

Blessed Be )0(

Hello…

I just went to the store to pick up my scripts and was waiting outside for them to finish…I seem to take knitting (or buy things I can knit) wherever I go and I was on the bench outside the store waiting for my scripts to be filled…humming….enjoying the sunshine and light, sea breeze…THEN…

this lady drove up to where I was…and decided not to park there because it wasn’t a parking space…so she found a space and came to the outside pharmacy window. On her way there I commented on the lovely color of her jacket…this gorgeous combination of gold and light orange and just…well it was just yummy…

She was standing at the window and I heard the pharmacist say hello…then the world as I knew it in that moment stopped…full on…I heard this lady say the words ‘died yesterday’ and she took a big gasp of air and I was frozen…she slowly headed back to the car she parked and the next thing I new I was hearing The Goddess whisper in my gut…’go to her’…there was just a moment (which seems like eternity) hesitation…you know when you have such a strong urge to do something for someone you don’t know and you don’t know why and it takes the conscious part of you a moment to register it all…

so it registered and as I was walking closer to her car I saw the back light come on her car and I whispered in my soul ‘please don’t let her drive away’…I swung around the side of her car and there was this fragile, sooo fragile woman sitting in the drivers seat of this car almost paralyzed by her actions and the fact that she actually did it…

she rolled down the window and I said ‘I know you don’t know me and I heard you say ‘died yesterday’ and she said ‘yes my youngest daughter died yesterday. she was such a good girl; i would have raised her being blind, deaf and not able to walk that is what kind of girl she was’ and I simply asked her ‘may I hug you’ and she opened the car and was getting ready to take her seat belt off and I said ‘you don’t have to do that’ and I hugged her…and with that hug all the love this woman had ever felt for her daughter transferred to me and it wasn’t a heavy weight; but it was and IS, like I can tell they loved each other…and as the woman was hugging me she kept saying over and over and over again ‘I hope you never have to go through a pain like this’…then she asked me to pray for her ‘her name is Britney’ and I said yes..then she asked me my name and I said ‘my name is Lisa’…and she said ‘thank you for your kindness’…and I asked ‘are you sure you should be driving right now’ and she said she was okay she dropped her prescription off and that her husband was at the house so she would be okay…

and I thought as I was walking away; taking a teeny tiny bit of this woman’s energy with me today…no…no you won’t!

I am grateful that I FEEL (probably for the first time in my life) someone else’s energy being transferred to my body; I am not sure yet what all of that means I just know that it made a difference; if only in that moment for this lady who was going through this horrible grief and still managing to get things done…

Thank you Goddess for the gift of being an empath (this journey has just begun)…for being a gentle guidance inside so I follow without question…and thank you to me for doing enough work on me that someone else’s emotions no longer scare me…thank you for allowing me to opportunity to be fully present in this here and now…

Much love

OxoxoX

Goddess, would you please continue guiding Britney and be with the woman who was in the parking lot…let her know that it will never get easier it just gets more acceptable..and just send them love and hugz and all the faery dust they can handle…

Hello Friends!

Can I just tell you I have been going through it the last couple of months. I know that my processor and the way I look at and process things is genuinely different than most and I also know that some things are just plain exhausting.

I have a neighbor who has been just really, really troublesome for me, and my soul and it has been difficult. I am a creature that MUST have quiet. I have finally quit denying that about myself and have accepted it one hundred percent. I MUST HAVE QUIET!

Now to most, I don’t think that is any big deal; when i don’t have quiet my soul feels like it is deteriorating, I become incapable of not slipping into old ways and the stuff that occurs again in my brain is almost to overwhelming for me. I have been having night terrors again where i am seeing myself cutting myself again and it is just not good.

So yes, quiet has become a necessity for me; almost just like breathing and eating.

I have had to pursue getting this woman and her two children removed from the property which takes its toll on me as well; continuing on with a process that will remove someone from their home well…let me just say it started out as me going to all lengths to communicate with her and yet she is so closed off, that I had to pursue other means…

By other means I mean I have had to go through management and my neighbor received an eviction notice last week. This has been an excruciating process; it didn’t happen quickly or simply because I was not getting my way. I have a deep soul understanding of what it is like to be homeless and can’t imagine how much more difficult it would be with children AND…the path I was heading down as a result of the noise coming into my home was leading me right smack dab into the middle of feeling like i was a victim again and again; I am still having night terrors…

Today my brother & sis are coming over to pick up a scarf I made for him..not just any scarf, one that consists of 14 charts and over 63,000 stitches..so it will be nice to visit with them instead of hearing just the pounding neighbors…I am so looking forward to that I can hardly see straight.

So that is what is on the agenda today friends. May your day be filled with light, love and peace as you journey forward on this Monday.

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Hello

So i woke up before the sun today and laid on my bed under my big pluffy white down comforter and was just silent.

I got up out of bed, got shoes on, and walked to the store to get money orders to pay my rent and my sister and i got back all before 8am…I truly am the kind of person who likes to get all the ‘busy’ stuff outside my home, even inside to some days, done so i can enjoy the rest of my day.

i am sitting in my chair with my laptop and i visited Ravelry and left a note of encouragement, and honestly, I struggled with it, think that I was butting into a post that didn’t need my two cents worth…i went back and this lovely lady posted this: “I just wanted to thank you for your uplifting posts, every post you write leaves me smiling!”

i have no words for that. it moved me deeply. seems like when i struggle with being encouraging i get responses like this that just blow me away…not from my ego place but from the center of my heart..i love encouraging others…i truly do…it is so easy to get or give discouragement and it seems like that is the whole purpose of ‘going deep’ and figuring out who I am…so i can help or encourage others to continue on with whatever they are doing…

i am been letting the truth of who i am assimilate into my being…i had my sister here this weekend and it is always a deep glorious time with lots of laughs and good food…

today i seem to cry when i see/hear someone laugh from their bellies….who get the simplicity of laughter…it brings me to tears…

i am so grateful for days like today when i feel centered and grateful just for being who i am…and pain my bills…that always brings deep awareness in my soul of my gratitude.

May you receive all that your soul needs to laugh from your belly today.

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