Me and Fat and Fear…AND LOVE!

ahhhhh.

I am so ready to shed this skin that I now have…AND fear stops me…

I just had a talk with myself down on the floor which, at 325 pounds is something i haven’t done for some time…i started sobbing and had one hand on my tummy and one had on my heart saying over and over and over again ‘I’m sorry!’

The fat and the fear have always , always been useful(with the exception of not stopping my dad) Useful in the sense of keeping people away; it is lots easier to talk behind an obese persons back in whispers rather than approach them because they equal everything unhealthy…in some minds…

I am, right now at 4:25pm Monday June 12, 2017, acutely aware of how much pain my body is in…and the fact that I am doing it to myself…that cuts deep through the fear and the bullshit and goes straight to my soul…

I AM DOING THIS TO MY BODY…I AM CAUSING MY PHYSICAL SHELL UNDUE STRESS AND HARM BECAUSE I AM OBESE…

i would like to say I feel better now however that truth is deeply painful.

I no longer have to hurt myself…I am not talking about loosing weight, going to gym, yada, yada, yada…I am talking about a soul recognition that will bring about an awareness, a conscious awareness of what I put into my body and what i do to my body..

In 2012 I lost 85lbs. I was still completely terrified and was not grounded in anything; guys were whistling, I didn’t have 3 chins…and it was an outside, physical thing…

Today I live my life beyond the depths. I am learning how to listen; be patient; and most of all be kind(on a spiritual level) AND YET…

I went to the grocery store and did not purchase anything with sugar in it…I was sitting in a chair that had my legs hanging over and when I got home, after the shopping and the walking that I did, my hips ached so much I cried to my body and said ‘I am sorry!”

I am working so hard at living from a place of peace and yet fear still governs my eating habits! Fear of living from a place of intense emotion…

Right now this moment I don’t have to fear that…I am a sensitive soul. I am an empath. I am wired to where emotions are my connection to the Great I Am and my connection to myself and all…I don’t have to fear myself anymore…I need to love myself and love myself abundantly…how do I do that….

I mean I have gotten a good grasp of my fear (most) of them throughout my day, however when it comes to sugar, or even just food I eat because I am lonely or bored or or or…

I want to eat as mindfully as I meditate. I want to eat as mindfully as I listen. I want to eat mindfully. Eating to feed my body. Not to loose weight, not for any other reason but that I want to love my body by what I am eating not hating it.

Goddess, I know the physical pain that I’m feeling right now will leave. May the moment of clarity that I have experienced as a result be my MIND-FULL-NESS reason to pursue health in my eating habits and choices.

I am sure it will take a minute but I feel a shift inside…I am done hurting myself. More importantly…

I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF WHOLLY, COMPLETELY AND UNCONDITIONALLY!

Deep Love & Rich Blessings

OxoxoX

Maybe Kermit Was Right…

Hello Friends.

So I have been really drawing inward and learning about my path and what that looks like for nobody else but me.

I have gotten some essential oils in my home; I have gotten a strong sense of the beauty in silence and I have this yearning to beautify my home with plants and flowers.

So I am not a green thumb; I have never had the patience frankly. So last week my sister was here and we went to the local garden shop and the person that helped us was named Kermit. Who else better to grow green things than a very nice kat named Kermit..it really all makes sense in a cosmic kind of way.

So what I learned is that I love plants to much. My sister brought me two very nice terra cotta pots that are normally used for strawberries but instead I will use one for my kitchen garden and the other one is filled with these….

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And with that gorgeousness comes the knowledge that “you love them too much.” I had no working understanding of what that meant; I only new that pinks and oranges needed to be in my environment so I could breathe in the beauty of each color…

So this morning, as I am listening to the thunder roll, after last nights pounding storm with intermitent thunder boomers (yeah!!) I looked out at my pot and lets just say it doesn’t any longer look like the picture above.

Which isn’t what disturbs me…what disturbs me is that those flowers are getting pummeled by rain before their time. I am coming to a guttural understanding of ‘everything in its season’…I don’t think one can get a mental/emotional grasp of that often flung out sentence until one buys beautiful flowers and sees them being pummeled which in fact changes the color, shape and size of them.

So everything really does have a season; when I mess with something ‘out of season’ including myself; I am subject to unnecessary pummeling. I have an internal struggle leaving those flowers precisely where they are on my back porch; wanting to love them and bring them under a roof to unbruised them however I don’t think that will matter. The damage has been done…so now the lesson if you will, is to love them precisely the way they are now. Recognizing that they may not flourish as much as if they weren’t getting rained on so badly, but they will flourish, for a season. I mean they still captivate me with their colors…

I need to leave them be. I bought them knowing it wasn’t done raining on the Oregon Coast, (it never is really) and they will survive until they don’t. They have been fed, and now they are doing what flowers do…regardless of the weather. They are prompting my mind to continue to see the beauty in all things no matter what it looks like.

I am not entirely sure about this ‘desire to grow things’ and where it is coming from but I do so love it. I do so love having deep, real, un made beauty in my environment and now as I am typing this…the sun is peaking out through the clouds…and I can hear the flowers say ‘ahhh’.

I had no idea it was going to be so hard for me to just let them be…let them fully be their bright, beautiful selves without fixing them in any way…

Maybe Kermit was right…

Deep Love & Rich Blessings

OxoxoX

Beyond Thankful…

I am thankful every day for something. This holiday is truly just another day; sure there is different food and maybe(not for me) family but it is truly just another day.

When your life has been transformed, when you are sitting in your own home, the one YOU created, in a place you have always wanted to live, with all of the things (like a bed, a roof, and food) that you did not usually have…every day there most surely is something to be grateful for.

Gratitude is not something I often write about or talk about because there were so many years when i truly couldn’t see or feel anything to be grateful for AND there were so many years (pre mental diagnosis) where no matter who or what was around me I just couldn’t quite be grateful.

I know what it is like to have family and ‘stuff’ crammed down your throat this time of year if you are struggling. I know that struggle. I am writing this to remind you that everything changes. Everything changes.

Last month it was everything I could do not to start carving on my arms again just to quiet my mind because of the chaos….today I haven’t thought once about carving on myself and for that..there are no words to describe how thankful i am for that.

Please hang in there. If you ain’t feeling all of this gratitude stuff, HANG IN THERE. One day you may very well realize that gratitude isn’t reserved for one day, it isn’t about listing the things you’re grateful for…it is about the deeper than deep realization that you are meant to be here. In your darkness. In your light. YOU are meant to be here. No amount of words or anything else can articulate that knowing once you ‘know it’…it goes beyond gratitude into a richness beyond description.

THAT is how much gratitude is in my heart today. I am so grateful I hung it out and didn’t give up.

May you be in a place today where you are fully and completely free to be whomever you are in this exact moment.

Much Love & Blessings…

OxoxoX

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I’m not an evangelical anything anymore! And I’m breathing and having my being in that truth for me…and it’s fabulous!!!

I believe in my depths that My God rejoices when I wear a polka dotted rain slicker that doesn’t fully snap in the front cuz there is no snaps, and I go to the grocery store to get groceries and it’s pouring down rain!! 

I do not believe, being a native Oregonian, that one cannot whistle and hum when they are feeling the raindrops dance to their own rhythm on my head!

I glorified My God this morning by taking care of me, chatting with folks I’ve never met, and whistled and hummed all the way home because my heart was overflowing with blessings in this moment.

No longer am I bound to doin it this way or doin that way, if it doesn’t included that then it’s not…those actions no longer hold my body or mind captive to the coulda, woulda, shoulda dance!!

I am free to dance in the rain and share the light that always lives in my soul rain or shine!!

What an awesome God/dess I relation with!

Have a wonderful rainshiny day!!!

OxoxoX

Our Opinions Matter Day!

Today we stand on the edge of something somewhat exciting and very scary (in my mind)!

Today is the day where America can exhale…the votes will be tallied and numbers shared across our fine country!

Even though I live, literally, as far west as one can (without going into the ocean), I still feel proud that this is my very first year making my voice heard; recognizing inside me that I matter! Sure my vote will not decide the election, it takes everyone’s to do that; but what my vote does do is remind me that I live in a country where women suffered greatly to give me the choice to vote! I live in a country where I can choose who delegates and makes the choices I feel need to be made! I do not have many choices about matters pertaining to things not in my own life; voting gives me that right!

Having said all of that…I will be grateful not to be getting splashed with hate and garbage about the candidates after tomorrow…well I can at least hope right!

So whether you did or didn’t, whether you went up to a poll or mailed it in; congratulations! Congratulations for standing up for you and making your voice heard! Knowing that it truly does matter!!

OxoxoX

My sister went home a couple hours ago and we had a great, deep talk. Seems like I am growing more and more real and fond with her. I have been in an active, seeking to know kind of relationship with her for years and I shared stuff with her that no one else knows…which created an unknown putting up my shield with her for the last month (we see each other one day a month)

Yesterday when she arrived and after the crafty show and tell I let it fly out of my mouth that i needed not to correspond with her via email anymore, for a period of time. No telling how long the period of time..she was okay with that and as we continued talking it finally was revealed to me why i felt like i was treading backwards in my relationship with her…because over my birthday weekend i shared stuff with her that i had never talked with anyone about and i had shared a desire with her that i had never told anyone..

it created a loop-da-loop in my mind and i have been pushing away (unconsciously) from her since then. My head had been creating arguments, and reasons to be mad etc until it dawned on me “you shared pretty intimate stuff with her’…i had no what was up until she was in my living room, that the level i shared with her was a bit intimate…it is hard to realize the why of something regarding another person if said person isn’t in my environment…

so when i realized that it was like the wall had come down and it instantly changed, even by a millimeter…still it began to change.

Nothing grows in the dark. I believe that with everything in my heart. I can’t get un-stuck or move forward if i don’t know what is causing the stuckedness…

So the rest will take time. Of which I was reassured she wasn’t going anywhere so it can take all the time necessary….

I am grateful she was here and I am grateful to have my home back.

Thank you so much sweet sister for the Sacred Sister time.

Much Love

OxoxoX