Sadness…

In this pursuit of kicking myself off of sugar I am experiencing sadness today.

So I have a recent new found love of birds. Apparently came from no where and last year the little ones that fly around here made a nest in one of the complex’s bushes outside my back door and it was so profound for me that I have the nest…

A bit ago some little birds, not the same variety though, made a nest above a camera next to the laundry door and I have just grown to love watching them. The way mama makes the nest and gets the food…a fascinating process to watch.

I just went to see the manager and apparently the maintenance guy, because everything must look good; pressure washed the nest right off where it was at. Last week the mama still had baby(ies) in the nest so I am not sure if there were babies in their today or not.

I just spent a chunk of time watching two birds landing on the camera where the nest use to be only to have it not be there. All this in pursuit of mans dominion over everything. They weren’t, that nest was in a place where it wasn’t hurting a thing. So he said he had to make sure he could see the camera view…the lens was not where the nest was…he could have chose to clean up the sidewalk and leave that one little camera for another time. He did not.

I get tired of the aggressiveness of people, particularly the white male variety, that think that everything must be perfect or that cannot handle letting animals share the same space…I want to say ‘listen mister, they were here long before us. have some respect.’ I don’t. Today I am going to let my heart feel said for those two birds who use to have a home and now don’t because of a pressure washer…I don’t get the ‘i must control everything’ attitude, I mean I understand it but i don’t get it…over a birds nest..

I will not not ever care!!

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Me and Fat and Fear…AND LOVE!

ahhhhh.

I am so ready to shed this skin that I now have…AND fear stops me…

I just had a talk with myself down on the floor which, at 325 pounds is something i haven’t done for some time…i started sobbing and had one hand on my tummy and one had on my heart saying over and over and over again ‘I’m sorry!’

The fat and the fear have always , always been useful(with the exception of not stopping my dad) Useful in the sense of keeping people away; it is lots easier to talk behind an obese persons back in whispers rather than approach them because they equal everything unhealthy…in some minds…

I am, right now at 4:25pm Monday June 12, 2017, acutely aware of how much pain my body is in…and the fact that I am doing it to myself…that cuts deep through the fear and the bullshit and goes straight to my soul…

I AM DOING THIS TO MY BODY…I AM CAUSING MY PHYSICAL SHELL UNDUE STRESS AND HARM BECAUSE I AM OBESE…

i would like to say I feel better now however that truth is deeply painful.

I no longer have to hurt myself…I am not talking about loosing weight, going to gym, yada, yada, yada…I am talking about a soul recognition that will bring about an awareness, a conscious awareness of what I put into my body and what i do to my body..

In 2012 I lost 85lbs. I was still completely terrified and was not grounded in anything; guys were whistling, I didn’t have 3 chins…and it was an outside, physical thing…

Today I live my life beyond the depths. I am learning how to listen; be patient; and most of all be kind(on a spiritual level) AND YET…

I went to the grocery store and did not purchase anything with sugar in it…I was sitting in a chair that had my legs hanging over and when I got home, after the shopping and the walking that I did, my hips ached so much I cried to my body and said ‘I am sorry!”

I am working so hard at living from a place of peace and yet fear still governs my eating habits! Fear of living from a place of intense emotion…

Right now this moment I don’t have to fear that…I am a sensitive soul. I am an empath. I am wired to where emotions are my connection to the Great I Am and my connection to myself and all…I don’t have to fear myself anymore…I need to love myself and love myself abundantly…how do I do that….

I mean I have gotten a good grasp of my fear (most) of them throughout my day, however when it comes to sugar, or even just food I eat because I am lonely or bored or or or…

I want to eat as mindfully as I meditate. I want to eat as mindfully as I listen. I want to eat mindfully. Eating to feed my body. Not to loose weight, not for any other reason but that I want to love my body by what I am eating not hating it.

Goddess, I know the physical pain that I’m feeling right now will leave. May the moment of clarity that I have experienced as a result be my MIND-FULL-NESS reason to pursue health in my eating habits and choices.

I am sure it will take a minute but I feel a shift inside…I am done hurting myself. More importantly…

I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF WHOLLY, COMPLETELY AND UNCONDITIONALLY!

Deep Love & Rich Blessings

OxoxoX

Hello Friends.

Merry Meet!

Ahhhhh we survived the Christmas stuff….although the last couple of days have been odd with Carrie Fisher & Debbie Reynolds passing away one right after the other…I think that shows what a mama’s love can look like…whew…

So I am growing internally and becoming more grounded in being a practicing Witch everyday and I know a lot of people are terrifyed by that; by the word in itself and for me, all it means is connecting to all that is around me; I pray to The Goddess, I do not worship her. I am thankful for the opportunity to have the spirituality that is me..that fits me…that creates such a peace and love inside of me..I needed to incorporate a female higher power for a long time simply to help me get in touch with my own.

I cannot any longer do the boxed god or the male hierarchy god, or hang out with people who believe that gays deserve gods wrath…I am just not about any of that anymore. I have come to believe that my gifts far exceed any ‘talent’ i had in the christian world. i do not believe that the God of the whole entire Universe is condemning me for any of my choices and it is still so funny to me that for the most part christians believe that they have cornered the market on love simply by whom they say they follow and I believe the divine energy that is God and Goddess are love…no interpretations…no conditions and judgements….just full on love.

THAT is whom I want to follow. I have believed for 25+ years that there is other energies, that there are other levels on this plan and I no longer want to exclude any of them..I am trying desperately to stay away from worshipping anything..it always leads to judgement and condemnation in my world…I desire to travel along side all of the energies that are in my world right now this moment and so for now…that is my chosen path.

I honour the directions, I honour the God and Goddess, and I am thankful all is here to walk with me on my sacred journey. Please don’t leave in the comments how horrible I am or how much I am going to hell simply because I don’t believe as you. I have freed my mind, taken God/dess out of the box and am enjoying life the way I believe God intended all along. Thank you to all of you who have walked with me in all my changes; I honour you.

May this coming year bless you all abundantly.

Blessed Be. )0(

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Being Home…

My Spirit is not letting me not write anything today so here goes…

It is approaching a very difficult time for a lot (probably most its only a lot that talk about it) of people and may this note be of encouragement not of guilt.

I have not ever been able to “do the Holidays” like others, where the noise and busyness excites some, I always prefer the quiet, internal-ness that this time of year can bring.

Don’t get me wrong, I am part of a seven people family that is now twenty plus(in the immediate circle) so I have always been around the hustle and bustle that comes around this time of year and recently I have not been able to tolerate it.

I have worked extremely hard in creating my home to be MY OWN; my physical home and the home that houses my soul. And honoring myself when I say no to family gatherings makes me slide that much more into a healthy kind of pride.

My family is widely dysfunctional. My parents are both over eighty and no one talks about it; the holidays are the most superficial time of all with all of them acting like they love/like you and also are standing in the kitchen whispering about how disgusted they are about the way I live, or my sisters drinking…and it is the only time of year anyone contacts you because it is “the right thing to do.”

So I decided years ago, once I started remembering about the sexual abuse and once I got diagnosed with BPD, that I would never, ever put myself in a situation with any of them that I wasn’t one hundred percent okay with. And I have managed to keep it that way for ten years now. YAH ME!!

I am responsible for protecting myself. I no longer seek one-sided, back stabbing relationships with any of them. If they want to see/talk with me, they can call or make plans to come to my ocean home and hang out with me…so in the last two years that I have lived here…none of them have even called, let alone come and visited. My parents, however, are a different story; they come to the city where I live twice a year, there is a casino close by, and my mom enjoys the penny machines and the removal of the ordinary stress that she has come to know in her life,  so they come and stay at the casino and we have a great visit and they go home…

My point of all of that is…I do not do anything I don’t want to do just because society says..I don’t listen to the christmas music that talks about there being no place like home..none of that.

As hard as it has been to create my home to be a place of peace, compassion and love, I am no longer willing to give it up just for the sake of a family who continues to show me they are not worth me giving it up. And I don’t feel guilty about it. Since I have become the protector of the girl in the attic, I don’t have one once of guilt for not participating in peoples lives for the sake of anything. No longer do I participate in keeping the family image together…because my family… I am the most important in my life today.

There is no place like home; I get that now. There is no place like the home I have created inside of me; the home I live in all year around. So when I venture out during this time of year, it is solely because I WANT to, not because society is giving me a continued message of ‘must be with family for holidays no matter what’, when I get peacefully attracted to the hustle and bustle that happens at the local coffee shop it is because I have planned it. When I heed a call from my family, the chosen one, to spend time at their house, I will go because they live in harmony and peace as well.

May this note be one of encouragement, love and compassion. May you feel less alone if you choose not to get spun into the drama that can be all around us this time of year. And may you always, always have a lot to be thankful for inside your heart.

Much Love

OxoxoX

““You were born a child of light’s wonderful secret— you return to the beauty you have always been.”
― AberjhaniVisions of a Skylark Dressed in Black

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