Me and Fat and Fear…AND LOVE!

ahhhhh.

I am so ready to shed this skin that I now have…AND fear stops me…

I just had a talk with myself down on the floor which, at 325 pounds is something i haven’t done for some time…i started sobbing and had one hand on my tummy and one had on my heart saying over and over and over again ‘I’m sorry!’

The fat and the fear have always , always been useful(with the exception of not stopping my dad) Useful in the sense of keeping people away; it is lots easier to talk behind an obese persons back in whispers rather than approach them because they equal everything unhealthy…in some minds…

I am, right now at 4:25pm Monday June 12, 2017, acutely aware of how much pain my body is in…and the fact that I am doing it to myself…that cuts deep through the fear and the bullshit and goes straight to my soul…

I AM DOING THIS TO MY BODY…I AM CAUSING MY PHYSICAL SHELL UNDUE STRESS AND HARM BECAUSE I AM OBESE…

i would like to say I feel better now however that truth is deeply painful.

I no longer have to hurt myself…I am not talking about loosing weight, going to gym, yada, yada, yada…I am talking about a soul recognition that will bring about an awareness, a conscious awareness of what I put into my body and what i do to my body..

In 2012 I lost 85lbs. I was still completely terrified and was not grounded in anything; guys were whistling, I didn’t have 3 chins…and it was an outside, physical thing…

Today I live my life beyond the depths. I am learning how to listen; be patient; and most of all be kind(on a spiritual level) AND YET…

I went to the grocery store and did not purchase anything with sugar in it…I was sitting in a chair that had my legs hanging over and when I got home, after the shopping and the walking that I did, my hips ached so much I cried to my body and said ‘I am sorry!”

I am working so hard at living from a place of peace and yet fear still governs my eating habits! Fear of living from a place of intense emotion…

Right now this moment I don’t have to fear that…I am a sensitive soul. I am an empath. I am wired to where emotions are my connection to the Great I Am and my connection to myself and all…I don’t have to fear myself anymore…I need to love myself and love myself abundantly…how do I do that….

I mean I have gotten a good grasp of my fear (most) of them throughout my day, however when it comes to sugar, or even just food I eat because I am lonely or bored or or or…

I want to eat as mindfully as I meditate. I want to eat as mindfully as I listen. I want to eat mindfully. Eating to feed my body. Not to loose weight, not for any other reason but that I want to love my body by what I am eating not hating it.

Goddess, I know the physical pain that I’m feeling right now will leave. May the moment of clarity that I have experienced as a result be my MIND-FULL-NESS reason to pursue health in my eating habits and choices.

I am sure it will take a minute but I feel a shift inside…I am done hurting myself. More importantly…

I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF WHOLLY, COMPLETELY AND UNCONDITIONALLY!

Deep Love & Rich Blessings

OxoxoX

Hello.

So the big lesson today is when you plant flowers/garden in June because that is the time all the little packets say to and you get slammed by a torrential rain storm over night so now you don’t know what to do…

This whole gardening this has been a major trip for me on multiple levels…it is truly a lesson in learning about detachment…you plant it and wait…I want to make sure everything has a hospitipal environment the best I can…a couple of months ago when my sister and I went to the local garden shop we met a dude name Kermit…yep that is really his name…and he said “you love ’em too much’..

Communicating with Nature everyday and letting her know I know it is her job is helpful…I just brought some of the plants I had so beautifully arranged outside yesterday because they got pummeled by the rain…

Listen, I know they are use to being outside…I just, when the container says ‘full sun’ and there isn’t any isn’t it okay to bring them in…I really desire to grow things, to learn about various plants and such; that’s all…

I don’t know this must sound crazy this is the very first time I have tried to grow something outside of myself…I want them to continue to add color and peace to my environment…

So whether it is loving them too much or not…they were brought in…the lavender and sage and tomato plants and the bee wildflowers are still outside…the others…are inside and we will see…

what a trip.

OxoxoX

Unconditional Giving Cycle..

I have been soooo very, very sick the last 10 days. I haven’t eaten in 3 days (before today) and I just I don’t know…

My sister and brother ‘n love came all the way over to get me groceries because when I am out of commission I cannot do anything; I don’t drive, I dang sure wasn’t up toweling or taking the bus…

They saw/heard a need and they showed up! I, in my human shell, have such a hard time accepting that you see because they showed up two hours away from their home to buy me some groceries so I can heel; are currently driving back two hours…four hours just to buy me some groceries and make sure they did everything they could to help me…

Let me be clear…there is growing a huge chasm between my body and my soul. I am able to differentiate between the two in my mind just like night and day and I love that. So what I am about to say is strictly in my human shell…my ego…my body…my soul understands that the miles and hours driven don’t matter…that their sister was in need and they filled the need…my soul gets that…my body/mind is a whole other thing…it is trying desperately to get me to grab onto guilt because that will keep me tied down and feeling crappy; my mind is trying to convince me that I am not worthy of them taking time out of their life, my sisters day off, to come here and help me out…that too keeps my mind in a negative space which is manifesting itself in unrest in my body…

Goddess has brought my family into my life because we are like minded people. When you see a need, particularly from family, fill it if you are able. This isn’t about a control trip for her; it is done in absolute love and purity of heart…and if i don’t accept it that way it bounces off the Universe and the unconditional giving cycle stops for a moment…

i feel deeply, deeply loved. i couldn’t do what she did. i couldn’t walk myself over the hill; i can’t seem to quite coughing and the dizziness and all the stuff…i needed help. Goddess sent my sister…

I am thankful.

Deep Love and Rich Blessings

OxoxoX

 

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Me Day…

A serious ‘me’ day with a few of my favorite things…and beautiful acoustic guitar music coming out of my TV…ahhhhh. 

Very emotional/feeling day but I’m safe, breathing and I am loved! May you have your favorite things, and balance, love, and a quiet mind today and always! 

Deep Love & Rich Blessings

OxoxoX

Photo taken with my Canon t3i

Authenticity…

Authentic: Of undisputed origin; genuine.

I woke up later than normal for me this morning and I just read and watched the video for Sesame Street featuring Julia, the new kid on the block who has Autism and it made me cry……

 My sister has autism. And I lived with an untreated mental health diagnosis for 42 years because no one could figure it out…and now parents and their kids do not have to go through the frustrations and unknowing…there is absolutely nothing worse than having something off, loving someone and not being able to do a thing about it…

Kind of deep for first thing in the morning but there is no difference for me…I am deep all the time…and that can be really exhausting but it is more exhausting not being authentically ME!

The Creator of the whole Universe designed me in a way as to not be a carbon copy of absolutely anyone or anything else. I am slowly stripping those layers off and coming into my own fabulousness; not following any religion or rules or restrictions that someone else manufactured telling me THIS is the way I need to be in order to live a “full, healthy, happy” life. Stripping away, and really, truly looking at and letting go of all the ways I desperately tried to win love (that was the ultimate goal) has become something I welcome with open arms.

This day, I just do not believe that Creator created me to be a cookie cut out of anyone else. And that is creating an incomparable peace because you see, I have quit doing and saying and believing things that are just not true to my very own Spirit. The very thing, the only thing that connects me to that which created me. When I listen to her…really listen…my world becomes my world and love and life and well everything opens up and life is amazing. When I don’t listen to her I am one fearful, loud, following the latest whim person and I can no longer do that. I have truly crossed over the canyon of self and made it to the horizon of life and I cannot unknowing what I know. There is simply no turning back…YAWHOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Today is the first day of spring, at least on the calendar and well I suppose, goddess is doing something with the earth too but around these parts yesterday was sunny tee shirt weather and today we are pulling out the winter coasts again but that’s okay. I believe that Spring equals hope and hope is alive and well in these parts today.

May we all be who we authentically are today…and everyday!

Deep Love & Rich Blessings.

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Good Morning…

I just got word that someone from my past, not in a bad way, wants to reconnect. Apparently I have done such a great job at being incognito online that no one who use to know me can find me. That is what I desire. I want to have control over who is in my life, whether virtually or in real time, at all times.

So I am not to terribly anxious to get ahold of this person for a number of reasons. I don’t want to loose who I am now. I don’t want or need the past drudged up, we went our separate ways, words were shared, we both got on with our lives…I don’t need or desire a therapist in any way shape or form. Seems like in my previous life (a few years ago) the only people I had in my life were counselors/therapists and although the ‘helping’ wasn’t blatant and obvious, I can still see how they all thought I was a problem that needed fixing.

Now my head says that said counselor things I have been drinking and she wants to make sure she can’t offer her services to me in some fashion. That is, upon reading it, a bit extreme and yet…I just can’t bring myself to seek her out…for what? We have nothing in common anymore. I am peacefully blissfully sober and enjoying my life. I don’t go to meetings anymore, I don’t desire drama of any kind in my life…

And the other part says…maybe…there are very few people who can handle who I am now because I am not a jesus freak, angry loud person…and that is the context most people have me in…

I don’t know…she is not worth risking my mental health, she is not worth risking my emotional well being and the grounded person I have become. I am one of those people that believe there are people who can mess with my grounding; doesn’t mean i am not strong or that I lack faith…

I am just breathing deeply and thanking Goddess that I am here to live and love and laugh another day.

It is sure interesting to me how someone has to go through a completely unknown party to reach me however!!

Hmmmm….

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Maybe Kermit Was Right…

Hello Friends.

So I have been really drawing inward and learning about my path and what that looks like for nobody else but me.

I have gotten some essential oils in my home; I have gotten a strong sense of the beauty in silence and I have this yearning to beautify my home with plants and flowers.

So I am not a green thumb; I have never had the patience frankly. So last week my sister was here and we went to the local garden shop and the person that helped us was named Kermit. Who else better to grow green things than a very nice kat named Kermit..it really all makes sense in a cosmic kind of way.

So what I learned is that I love plants to much. My sister brought me two very nice terra cotta pots that are normally used for strawberries but instead I will use one for my kitchen garden and the other one is filled with these….

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And with that gorgeousness comes the knowledge that “you love them too much.” I had no working understanding of what that meant; I only new that pinks and oranges needed to be in my environment so I could breathe in the beauty of each color…

So this morning, as I am listening to the thunder roll, after last nights pounding storm with intermitent thunder boomers (yeah!!) I looked out at my pot and lets just say it doesn’t any longer look like the picture above.

Which isn’t what disturbs me…what disturbs me is that those flowers are getting pummeled by rain before their time. I am coming to a guttural understanding of ‘everything in its season’…I don’t think one can get a mental/emotional grasp of that often flung out sentence until one buys beautiful flowers and sees them being pummeled which in fact changes the color, shape and size of them.

So everything really does have a season; when I mess with something ‘out of season’ including myself; I am subject to unnecessary pummeling. I have an internal struggle leaving those flowers precisely where they are on my back porch; wanting to love them and bring them under a roof to unbruised them however I don’t think that will matter. The damage has been done…so now the lesson if you will, is to love them precisely the way they are now. Recognizing that they may not flourish as much as if they weren’t getting rained on so badly, but they will flourish, for a season. I mean they still captivate me with their colors…

I need to leave them be. I bought them knowing it wasn’t done raining on the Oregon Coast, (it never is really) and they will survive until they don’t. They have been fed, and now they are doing what flowers do…regardless of the weather. They are prompting my mind to continue to see the beauty in all things no matter what it looks like.

I am not entirely sure about this ‘desire to grow things’ and where it is coming from but I do so love it. I do so love having deep, real, un made beauty in my environment and now as I am typing this…the sun is peaking out through the clouds…and I can hear the flowers say ‘ahhh’.

I had no idea it was going to be so hard for me to just let them be…let them fully be their bright, beautiful selves without fixing them in any way…

Maybe Kermit was right…

Deep Love & Rich Blessings

OxoxoX