To Whom It May Concern;

On this day thirty years ago, I walked into a house with dirty clothes, a dirty body and an angry, angry angry soul.

I had just got kicked out of a traveling carnival; my mom(who was on a hit list a week before) came and got me and took me to treatment for drug and alcohol addiction.

I was tore up from the floor up! The only word I knew was ‘fuck’ and I used it in regards to everything. I was the meanest bitch you would ever wanna know. I pulled the guy who was going to go to my parents house and slit my mom’s throat from ear to ear in her sleep. I had not one once of love in my heart; was totally black. Was not accepting love coming in either and I hurt some real kind people very badly with the things I said just to keep them away from me.

Love equaled pain. Love was not real. Love was an illusion, used by people who only wanted something from me. Know one loved me for being me; me was so far gone down the black hole and she was never coming out for no one or nothing.

I got kicked out of treatment after six months and when I left there, all the counselors told me I wouldn’t stay clean or sober one week after I left.

I sat in three AA meetings a day for the first five years of my sobriety; every single day because I needed too and because I couldn’t deal with real life. Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous and the people there when I came through the door. I slammed my way through the house (on Baker Street where the meetings were) and made my way back to get coffee and everyone tried t welcome me and I proceeded to tell them all to fuck off. They would laugh and tell me things like ‘keep coming back’ and ‘let us love you until you can love yourself’…

I am still here…thirty years later…that is 10,950 one day at a time. I couldn’t even make it a full day for the first couple of years; I had an untreated mental diagnosis (that I didn’t really know about) I was raging being being molested for ten years by my dad(which I didn’t remember until I had twenty years of sobriety) and I had a whacked up emotional nature being raised in shame and guilt for the whole of my life.

I got to treatment nine days from my twenty second birthday. I seriously have not had a drop or a drug since the fiftieth of August 1986…

I am in no way, shape or form bragging about this. I share this here, this day; in the hopes that if someone is struggling with addiction they will have an infamous moment of clarity that allows them to be quiet enough inside to look at themselves surrounded by the walls of pain. Layers upon layers upon layers of pain..that take years and years to weed through.

Thirty years ago, I was consumed with a desire for others (particularly my mom) to take care of me the rest of my life. I was bound and determined to make her pay; for what I was never really clear about.

Today after layers and layers of work and pain and hate and blame have been worked through, I can honestly say I love both my parents very, very much. Forgiveness has been the balm that has healed our relationship. That is courtesy of a Loving God who never stopped loving me.

This is the start of another year, the end of one ore day; and it is a day that I can look back and see all my personal growth; I no longer hate with a passion that can drive you insane; I no longer am a slave to rage or addiction; I can lovingly tell people how I am feeling and work through bumps in relationships that matter to me today.

Two years ago, I got the opportunity to move over to the Coast which is where I have wanted to live since I was little. The ocean has always been my rescuer and always will be. I have been fully self-supporting for ten years now. I have relationships in my life that I never ever imagined I would have AND…I am able to let people know today when i hurt. I am not a shell walking around with no soul. I am a soul walking a round with a shell that is peace and love and kindness and gentleness.

Thank you seems inadequate someone and yet…thank you Bill Willson and Dr Bob for just being two drunks who listened and shared and helped each other so that I may live and live my life oh so abundantly today.

If you are in the grip of a continuous and progressive illness and want a way out..please contact your local AA Chapter. You are not alone and you deserve to have a full, happy abundant life.

Much Love



Pic Of The Day…

I was once told, or read somewhere that a “weed is just an unloved flower”…somehow I related to that…to my soul.

I had just got done with my workout, went outside to enjoy a cup full of cherries and a cup of coffee only to look down and spot this….

May this day, and every day we remember that what is perceived in this world as a weed is just an unloved flower.




Agape: ” affection, good-will, love, benevolence”

I have been doing a lot of talking with the manager here about my neighbor and I cried both yesterday and today because I understand the neighbor; I get the neighbor; hell minus the two kids I was the neighbor…

First I will preface this by saying I am in no way, shape, or form better than anyone else. We ALL have our things; things that get us, make us made or things we feel emotional about. AND…I moved into this apartment after 50 years of pushing and fighting and holding onto hate and rage until the very last second…so I get it! I truly do…

And what I got in touch with in the managers office this morning is that deep, deep, deep inside (hopefully she won’t have to wait 42 years) there is a very, very wounded girl. I can say that will all authority in me…I once raged, and hurt others with my mouth so bad that I deemed myself unable to ever be forgiven….so I want to reach out to my neighbor and yet every time I do I am met with the same anger and rage looking back at me as I once had looking back at everyone else…

I was homeless; never tried being something other than what I was, a hopeless bum who hated deeply and had no time for love, after all, that only led to more pain….and I didn’t have obstacles in my way like a job or a family…I was full on 100% bona fide rage!! Every…single….second….!

So I guess I am writing this morning in an attempt to tell the Universe I understand. Sometimes you cannot be a light for someone if they only want to continue walking in the darkness. I can live quietly and love deeply at a distance. I can help her along her path by not tolerating that which is intolerable…that’s how I can help..or what I can do rather…she doesn’t need help…not yet!!

Sometimes when I walk out my door and life is looking at me from every direction, the life I once led, it makes me sob…because I have made choices that have allowed me to live a different life…I know the path of darkness, hate, rage…I got that one down perfectly..almost to the end of the line…and then out of sheer necessity…I made a choice to trust LOVE.

That was the first (and only thing today) I actually trusted..and it has never, ever let me down. No, I am not talking human love I am talking Agape…from the Creator of the whole Fucking Universe…

And when, or if, that happens for anyone else is not for me to try and dictate when or if…it is up to me to empathize and move on..not discard away but simply move on when I recognize that rage monster in someone else because there is just no helping someone when they are co-existing with the monster…

I am blessed and soooo grateful that I trust agape LOVE!



Mid-Day Grace

Today has been just a lovely day enjoying knitting outside on my patio; Native Flute music on my computer that is conjuring up all the Life living outside and breathing.

It became apparent to me I’ve had some serious stress going on so I’ve stopped; just stopped! And remembered again to breathe in and out. In and out!

I am grateful that my body said ‘calf rope I’m done’ in such a way as to not be able to ignore anymore! Got both cameras out and used them this weekend; so yeah slowing down for sure!

May the rest of your day be deeply meaningful and enriching!




My Mom

I just got off the phone with my mom and she is in the middle of getting a massage, which she says “I think I needed real bad my back was all tight.” and a pedicure. She pampers herself quite often she says and that just warms my heart.

Tears come out my eyes after our short but beautiful conversation because our lives, mine with my parents, has changed so much over the years..sooo much! In short, 30 years ago I had my mom on a hit list, to have her throat cut ear to ear by someone whom I didn’t even know but who was willing to do it..

I cannot even begin to tell you what all has happened in those 30 years to bring us to the point today where we are talking about my mom getting pedicures and taking care of herself and both of us, when we hang up the phone, telling each other we love each other from our toes…

I suppose the tears are the recognition of how blessed I am that I am where I am at in my relationship with her…she is my mom. MY mom. and it is a trip growing older with her…the more layers of the hardness around my heart that are removed, the more I love her.

I am so grateful (seems a bit over used but can’t think of a bigger word to describe my heart) that they both have been able to see me flourish and thrive; in my dream home, being totally 100% ME…I am so grateful I have been allowed this time with both of them so they can see with their own eyes that I am good…that my life is full of beauty and love…

I love my mom today with my whole heart; never imagined in my wildest desires of wanting a mom, that this is what it would feel like; I never imagined I would love her from the center of my heart out…

It makes all of those years, probably 48….it makes all of the turmoil and hate and angst worth it…now that I can love her so freely and openly…and yea kinda cheesy but I do believe that what makes it so easy for me to love her today is that I have looked in the shadows and under all the rocks visible in my own soul; I have no more secrets that I am running from, my heart is an open book TO MYSELF…which truly does enable me to simply love my mom and dad.

Love isn’t love if it doesn’t come from a place of purity, of simplicity and honesty. I no longer love myself or my parents out of some sideways is purely, simply flowing from the I AM of my heart…

THAT is beyond a blessing.




I think I am finally seeing clearly that I really don’t look at absolutely anything the way most others do. And that is okay yet…it keeps me distant because the way I interact, the way I express what I need from people; is foreign, at best, to most.


So the biggest place where I notice this is how sufficient the world is, whether the world is the world, wide web and the people I have found on it; or my family, how people ‘say’ I love you…and I am sure they mean it…but what do they mean?

To me, for me, when I say I love someone that means that I am placing them as a high priority in my heart; and how I do that is I show them. Plain and simple. Whether through calling, texting, writing a note or seeing them…and I need love giving to me to be the same way.

I think it is easy for one to be like a clanging cymbal and talk…for talk is the cheapest of all talents…talk about how they love someone, well let’s for the sake of this blog say how they love me….talk, talk, talk….throw around the phrase ‘I love you’ like it is as meaningless as “I’ll take out the trash”…because it is often said in the same breathe. When I say I love someone, it is the most well thought of, biggest feeling in my heart and it feels like my heart will just burst wide open if I don’t share that with them.

And I have stopped saying it to those who in my heart, I say it to and it is just words. There are far to many words spoken in the English language and not enough actions shown. People in my life say they love me and I don’t hear from them for days and even months…and I am always the one who has to reach out first…and I feel if someone is saying they love me that I will be a twinge on their heart, or a thought across their minds, like they are with me, and that they will show me instead of just talk about it; again this post is about me seeing clearly how different I am from others, it is not about anyone specifically.

I find it difficult, and never claimed to be perfect at it; that when someone doesn’t show they love me, I still tend to take my loving them away…because they don’t really care about receiving love if that don’t know how to show it or give it…I am talking specifically about those that talk about loving me yet don’t hear me when I show them how I receive it best…now that may be way mixed up but I never claimed to be god…I am human after all and I seem to not be able to give something that is not given in return.

I am learning how to make LOVING part of the flow of who I am so it matters not when or if it is returned to me and it is coming along s-l-o-w-l-y at best. All I would like to have happen is that if I have risked vulnerability with you by telling you how best to love me; and in your humanness and life haven’t figured out how to do that…please, please, please stop talking about loving me…all you are doing is trying to convince yourself and me that you love me when you can’t even figure out how to give love. Stop talking about how much you love me when you can’t show me! I no longer what to be a part of someone pumping up their own egos, throwing the love words around, and yet here I am feeling alone and empty..STOP TALKING…LOVE IS AN ACTION WORD…A VERB…please, for your sake and mine, figure out how to listen to how to love me and then either do that or don’t it matters not; but it will enable me to stay or go.

The definition of authentic is: of undisputed origin; genuine.

So that begs the question…as you go about your day TALKING about how you are living an authentic life…are you loving others authentically? If you are I want to gently let you know…I can’t tell because you are holding back your love…so busy talking about it, getting your ego stroked, and yet i don’t get a note or a text or anything…authentic has to do with every area of my life; not just the areas I pick and choose…

Thank you so much for listening.