WOW!!! This year has been an incredibly freaky ride…I am not at all sure what I mean by that except it has been challenging…
I have Borderline Personality Disorder which, in my understanding of it, means that I have ‘BIG’ emotions; it is also a challenge for me to process information the way other folks do..
This year I have contemplated cutting myself and suicide again off and on throughout the year. The little girl in the attic was large and in charge for most of this year. I am not sure how to explain that other than the BPD me came out of the shadows. Which wouldn’t be so bad if her way of coping with stuff wasn’t to harm me…
There was a constant barrage of noise and cursing and hate that had filtered its way into my home (and heart) via a neighbor and now that neighbor has been gone 17 days; I am able to truly evaluate my life and look at this past year and see it for what it is…
I have come to believe that having a mental disorder just means that I process stuff different than most. I don’t need to be ‘put away’ for the way I process stuff; I am fortunate that I don’t needs meds either…but it is so very painful. I don’t fit into any cookie cutter mold. When shit hits the fan I process the way I do just as with everyone. It doesn’t mean that God doesn’t exist in my life when that is going on…it just means that from the moment I wake up I am battling with My Shadow; trying to convince myself that I deserve…that I am ‘enough’…and I have come to believe that unless you have a disorder, or are aware that you process stuff different…you have no opinion on my life and my choices.
I was shoved back into survival; in the truest sense of the word. I was bombarded with rage and hate every day for at least 12 hours a day for ten months…please do not judge me for how that looked on the outside.
Just like when I was being molested, it is my job to take care of The Attic; to make sure she knows she is loved, and safe….at whatever cost necessary. I am just now being able to literally be in my home; be present instead of floating off somewhere to stop the noise. I am healing..slowly…surely…and in my own time.
All I can say to you is that if you have someone in your life who has been diagnosed with any kind of mental difference if you will; if you cannot be loving and kind, remove yourself from their lives. We judge and hate ourselves enough; we don’t need those who say they “care about us” to do the same.
Having Borderline Personality Disorder is different. My life, the way I feel and process, is all very, very different from someone say at the grocery store AND both of us are doing what we need to do for ourselves. I am not here to do the busyness of life; I have been blessed to where I don’t have to hold a job and try and figure it all out; if I did I wouldn’t be here. I get overwhelmed pretty easy and by that I mean I can’t pretend I “have it all together” for any length of time…and I am very grateful for that.
I am not sure where any of this is coming from I don’t feel like I am tracking a thought but I do know that it is important for me to hear myself say I am loved. I am safe. Today I belong to The Universe; with all its majesty and glory and beauty; I too, qualify to be a part of the larger picture.