The Beauty That I See

I am learning so much about me through this gardening adventure!!

Last week we got slammed with a terrific rain storm and there was absolutely NOTHING left of this plant…nothing!

Today I cannot believe it…


And it even has babies…flowers have always taught me soooo much!!!

And I did nothing to it! No control.. I’m learning that leaving something alone in still fertile ground it can, and does grow!

What a beautiful lesson!!

Deep Love & Rich Blessings

I Did It!

I have finally overcome a 22+ year old fear; you know the one. It haunts you in your dreams, it screams at you around every corner of your waking hours…

“I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!”

I think as I grow older and hopefully maturing, I am learning the secret to living a quality life is learning that there is no such thing as ‘enough’. When I am on that cycle, whether other voices or mine, there is just no getting around it…there will never be enough.

I have also learned that the only way to remove that voice/those tapes, is to just DO IT!! What ever that it is that I am not good enough for…and ya know, that is what happened today…I just did it!!

No voices telling me I can’t, just me pushing along, not even hearing the fear tape but recognizing the gynormity of how long it has been since wanting and actually doing had met up…

I bought some essential oils as a christmas present for myself and I have been using them in my amazing diffuser and today that just wasn’t enough. I had to figure out how to use a carrier oil so I could put the oils directly on my skin…and so…I just did it.

I feel an unholy pride in the fact that I have two containers, one with lavender and eucalyptus and the other peppermint, that can now be applied directly to my body…wherever the need is.

The lavender and eucalyptus together creates a wonderful combination for my asthma/sinus stuff…the eucalyptus is a holy healer, a decongestion that opens my lungs up right away while the lavender keeps the rest of me calm…

The peppermint will be used when I need peace, and when I need to quiet a headache and also when I need to feel rejuvenated and revived. These are all pure oils and the peppermint is cooling so it reduces muscle tension and tightness in my lungs as well.

I am so grateful I am stepping into the shoes of my almost forgotten soul. To be able to walk with pride about who I am and who I’m becoming is truly a beautiful thing. I am deeply grateful.

Blessed Be.

)0(

January 28, 2017 at 2:30m

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Hello Friends.

Merry Meet!

Ahhhhh we survived the Christmas stuff….although the last couple of days have been odd with Carrie Fisher & Debbie Reynolds passing away one right after the other…I think that shows what a mama’s love can look like…whew…

So I am growing internally and becoming more grounded in being a practicing Witch everyday and I know a lot of people are terrifyed by that; by the word in itself and for me, all it means is connecting to all that is around me; I pray to The Goddess, I do not worship her. I am thankful for the opportunity to have the spirituality that is me..that fits me…that creates such a peace and love inside of me..I needed to incorporate a female higher power for a long time simply to help me get in touch with my own.

I cannot any longer do the boxed god or the male hierarchy god, or hang out with people who believe that gays deserve gods wrath…I am just not about any of that anymore. I have come to believe that my gifts far exceed any ‘talent’ i had in the christian world. i do not believe that the God of the whole entire Universe is condemning me for any of my choices and it is still so funny to me that for the most part christians believe that they have cornered the market on love simply by whom they say they follow and I believe the divine energy that is God and Goddess are love…no interpretations…no conditions and judgements….just full on love.

THAT is whom I want to follow. I have believed for 25+ years that there is other energies, that there are other levels on this plan and I no longer want to exclude any of them..I am trying desperately to stay away from worshipping anything..it always leads to judgement and condemnation in my world…I desire to travel along side all of the energies that are in my world right now this moment and so for now…that is my chosen path.

I honour the directions, I honour the God and Goddess, and I am thankful all is here to walk with me on my sacred journey. Please don’t leave in the comments how horrible I am or how much I am going to hell simply because I don’t believe as you. I have freed my mind, taken God/dess out of the box and am enjoying life the way I believe God intended all along. Thank you to all of you who have walked with me in all my changes; I honour you.

May this coming year bless you all abundantly.

Blessed Be. )0(

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Hey There…

WOW!!! This year has been an incredibly freaky ride…I am not at all sure what I mean by that except it has been challenging…

I have Borderline Personality Disorder which, in my understanding of it, means that I have ‘BIG’ emotions; it is also a challenge for me to process information the way other folks do..

This year I have contemplated cutting myself and suicide again off and on throughout the year. The little girl in the attic was large and in charge for most of this year. I am not sure how to explain that other than the BPD me came out of the shadows. Which wouldn’t be so bad if her way of coping with stuff wasn’t to harm me…

There was a constant barrage of noise and cursing and hate that had filtered its way into my home (and heart) via a neighbor and now that neighbor has been gone 17 days; I am able to truly evaluate my life and look at this past year and see it for what it is…

I have come to believe that having a mental disorder just means that I process stuff different than most. I don’t need to be ‘put away’ for the way I process stuff; I am fortunate that I don’t needs meds either…but it is so very painful. I don’t fit into any cookie cutter mold. When shit hits the fan I process the way I do just as with everyone. It doesn’t mean that God doesn’t exist in my life when that is going on…it just means that from the moment I wake up I am battling with My Shadow; trying to convince myself that I deserve…that I am ‘enough’…and I have come to believe that unless you have a disorder, or are aware that you process stuff different…you have no opinion on my life and my choices.

I was shoved back into survival; in the truest sense of the word. I was bombarded with rage and hate every day for at least 12 hours a day for ten months…please do not judge me for how that looked on the outside.

Just like when I was being molested, it is my job to take care of The Attic; to make sure she knows she is loved, and safe….at whatever cost necessary. I am just now being able to literally be in my home; be present instead of floating off somewhere to stop the noise. I am healing..slowly…surely…and in my own time.

All I can say to you is that if you have someone in your life who has been diagnosed with any kind of mental difference if you will; if you cannot be loving and kind, remove yourself from their lives. We judge and hate ourselves enough; we don’t need those who say they “care about us” to do the same.

Having Borderline Personality Disorder is different. My life, the way I feel and process, is all very, very different from someone say at the grocery store AND both of us are doing what we need to do for ourselves. I am not here to do the busyness of life; I have been blessed to where I don’t have to hold a job and try and figure it all out; if I did I wouldn’t be here. I get overwhelmed pretty easy and by that I mean I can’t pretend I “have it all together” for any length of time…and I am very grateful for that.

I am not sure where any of this is coming from I don’t feel like I am tracking a thought but I do know that it is important for me to hear myself say I am loved. I am safe. Today I belong to The Universe; with all its majesty and glory and beauty; I too, qualify to be a part of the larger picture.

Much Love

OxoxoX

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Pic Of The Day…

I was once told, or read somewhere that a “weed is just an unloved flower”…somehow I related to that…to my soul.

I had just got done with my workout, went outside to enjoy a cup full of cherries and a cup of coffee only to look down and spot this….

May this day, and every day we remember that what is perceived in this world as a weed is just an unloved flower.

OxoxoX

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good-bye

Please don’t tell me you are my friend, and that you love me when you no longer speak to me.

Those are false words.

Please don’t tell me how much you care for me when you no longer have the time to give me you.

Those are false words.

Yes, your life has changed; so has mine. It seems like we are on opposite paths now. I do not know what to do about that.

I have stopped putting forth the effort to contact you; because I am always the one that contacts you. When I stop….it all stops…

That tells me that I may be a bit more invested, if you will, in this relationship and I am tired of having those kinds of relationships.

We no longer share the social media relationship either. I quit participating in social media a while ago..that is when the change first started.

I get that you say God is moving you in a certain direction; I say God is moving me deeper and deeper into relations. It feels like your God is moving you away from them.

I know you have a family and that takes up your heart. I get it. I am just struggling with not having an important place in your heart anymore. It hurts.

And so it goes….I miss you and the person that you were because you see, that is the only person I know…

OxoxoX

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Authentic…Really….

I think I am finally seeing clearly that I really don’t look at absolutely anything the way most others do. And that is okay yet…it keeps me distant because the way I interact, the way I express what I need from people; is foreign, at best, to most.

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So the biggest place where I notice this is how sufficient the world is, whether the world is the world, wide web and the people I have found on it; or my family, how people ‘say’ I love you…and I am sure they mean it…but what do they mean?

To me, for me, when I say I love someone that means that I am placing them as a high priority in my heart; and how I do that is I show them. Plain and simple. Whether through calling, texting, writing a note or seeing them…and I need love giving to me to be the same way.

I think it is easy for one to be like a clanging cymbal and talk…for talk is the cheapest of all talents…talk about how they love someone, well let’s for the sake of this blog say how they love me….talk, talk, talk….throw around the phrase ‘I love you’ like it is as meaningless as “I’ll take out the trash”…because it is often said in the same breathe. When I say I love someone, it is the most well thought of, biggest feeling in my heart and it feels like my heart will just burst wide open if I don’t share that with them.

And I have stopped saying it to those who in my heart, I say it to and it is just words. There are far to many words spoken in the English language and not enough actions shown. People in my life say they love me and I don’t hear from them for days and even months…and I am always the one who has to reach out first…and I feel if someone is saying they love me that I will be a twinge on their heart, or a thought across their minds, like they are with me, and that they will show me instead of just talk about it; again this post is about me seeing clearly how different I am from others, it is not about anyone specifically.

I find it difficult, and never claimed to be perfect at it; that when someone doesn’t show they love me, I still tend to take my loving them away…because they don’t really care about receiving love if that don’t know how to show it or give it…I am talking specifically about those that talk about loving me yet don’t hear me when I show them how I receive it best…now that may be way mixed up but I never claimed to be god…I am human after all and I seem to not be able to give something that is not given in return.

I am learning how to make LOVING part of the flow of who I am so it matters not when or if it is returned to me and it is coming along s-l-o-w-l-y at best. All I would like to have happen is that if I have risked vulnerability with you by telling you how best to love me; and in your humanness and life haven’t figured out how to do that…please, please, please stop talking about loving me…all you are doing is trying to convince yourself and me that you love me when you can’t even figure out how to give love. Stop talking about how much you love me when you can’t show me! I no longer what to be a part of someone pumping up their own egos, throwing the love words around, and yet here I am feeling alone and empty..STOP TALKING…LOVE IS AN ACTION WORD…A VERB…please, for your sake and mine, figure out how to listen to how to love me and then either do that or don’t it matters not; but it will enable me to stay or go.

The definition of authentic is: of undisputed origin; genuine.

So that begs the question…as you go about your day TALKING about how you are living an authentic life…are you loving others authentically? If you are I want to gently let you know…I can’t tell because you are holding back your love…so busy talking about it, getting your ego stroked, and yet i don’t get a note or a text or anything…authentic has to do with every area of my life; not just the areas I pick and choose…

Thank you so much for listening.

OxoxoX

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