Hello…

I just went to the store to pick up my scripts and was waiting outside for them to finish…I seem to take knitting (or buy things I can knit) wherever I go and I was on the bench outside the store waiting for my scripts to be filled…humming….enjoying the sunshine and light, sea breeze…THEN…

this lady drove up to where I was…and decided not to park there because it wasn’t a parking space…so she found a space and came to the outside pharmacy window. On her way there I commented on the lovely color of her jacket…this gorgeous combination of gold and light orange and just…well it was just yummy…

She was standing at the window and I heard the pharmacist say hello…then the world as I knew it in that moment stopped…full on…I heard this lady say the words ‘died yesterday’ and she took a big gasp of air and I was frozen…she slowly headed back to the car she parked and the next thing I new I was hearing The Goddess whisper in my gut…’go to her’…there was just a moment (which seems like eternity) hesitation…you know when you have such a strong urge to do something for someone you don’t know and you don’t know why and it takes the conscious part of you a moment to register it all…

so it registered and as I was walking closer to her car I saw the back light come on her car and I whispered in my soul ‘please don’t let her drive away’…I swung around the side of her car and there was this fragile, sooo fragile woman sitting in the drivers seat of this car almost paralyzed by her actions and the fact that she actually did it…

she rolled down the window and I said ‘I know you don’t know me and I heard you say ‘died yesterday’ and she said ‘yes my youngest daughter died yesterday. she was such a good girl; i would have raised her being blind, deaf and not able to walk that is what kind of girl she was’ and I simply asked her ‘may I hug you’ and she opened the car and was getting ready to take her seat belt off and I said ‘you don’t have to do that’ and I hugged her…and with that hug all the love this woman had ever felt for her daughter transferred to me and it wasn’t a heavy weight; but it was and IS, like I can tell they loved each other…and as the woman was hugging me she kept saying over and over and over again ‘I hope you never have to go through a pain like this’…then she asked me to pray for her ‘her name is Britney’ and I said yes..then she asked me my name and I said ‘my name is Lisa’…and she said ‘thank you for your kindness’…and I asked ‘are you sure you should be driving right now’ and she said she was okay she dropped her prescription off and that her husband was at the house so she would be okay…

and I thought as I was walking away; taking a teeny tiny bit of this woman’s energy with me today…no…no you won’t!

I am grateful that I FEEL (probably for the first time in my life) someone else’s energy being transferred to my body; I am not sure yet what all of that means I just know that it made a difference; if only in that moment for this lady who was going through this horrible grief and still managing to get things done…

Thank you Goddess for the gift of being an empath (this journey has just begun)…for being a gentle guidance inside so I follow without question…and thank you to me for doing enough work on me that someone else’s emotions no longer scare me…thank you for allowing me to opportunity to be fully present in this here and now…

Much love

OxoxoX

Goddess, would you please continue guiding Britney and be with the woman who was in the parking lot…let her know that it will never get easier it just gets more acceptable..and just send them love and hugz and all the faery dust they can handle…

Good Morning God..

It’s me, Lisa. I am just gonna purge my soul if that’s alright with you..

As you know, Sunday August 23, 2015 I ran smack dab into myself and couldn’t run anymore…I had a deep soul awakening that I was gay and probably even born that way..now since then, the very few people I have told all listen intently to me than take a breathe and say ‘duh’ or something to the equivalent…and that may be there truth but my truth is still unfolding…

well let me rephrase…I am pretty secure in knowing I am gay I just am not sure what that means…I am attracted to men and yet I find myself flirting with girls…but on a deeper level I am not sure what gay is to me…what that means…most of all in relation to you!

I have been removing, or slammed the door shut to any appearance that I am about a boxed off, one way only kind of God and yet that leaves me wondering…how big am I gonna make my God…in my mind and heartA…I am tired of God being associated with a gender; I am tired of having to feel like I need to talk about a masculine God and like I get shunned if I mention the Goddess; the female aspect of God…

As you know stuff has been really bad with my neighbor; bad in the sense that I have fallen back into the shadow….hiding out of fear, out of lack of control, lack of peace…and some say that is because I have stopped praying and reading the bible or anything scripture…i want to f-e-e-l the love God has for me…no matter what gender i put on God…i want to Β  Β  f-e-e-l like i am loved…bigly…by the God that created me…

I no longer what gender or circumstance or environment or the things i do or do not do to define my relationship with the God that created Lisa Ann Wood in the image of love…pure love…THAT is where I came from and where I want to live…I want to feel that in my soul and not have to rely on someone telling me or reading it somewhere…

Are ya feelin me God? Inside ME is where YOU are….and what is interesting is….it is also where thoughts and feelings and….well you made me a very complex person…but you already know that don’t you?

When i think of what you must be like (I have an ego, I can’t not do that) the inside of my being gets warm; when i cry cuz i just can’t do it one more second…the neighbor, the self hate, the lies…i feel you…when i close my eyes and am as still as i can be…i feel the love you created me in….i don’t know what my purpose is (again, seems to be an ego feeding proportion from where I sit) let me re-phrase…i don’t know…i have had so much pain in my life…and i don’t know why the lessons i have had have been mine…this morning i just feel done with it all…i don’t know why such a gentle, fragile spirit is here to witness and live through such hate and pain…i don’t know what the grand plan of any of that is…

I have so much “wrong” with me…mental illness, obesity…blah, blah, blah…and yet you created me…as you did every single other soul floating around this Universe in search whatever it is they are in search of…YOU created me…LOVE created me…regardless of what man had done to thwart that…LOVE CREATED ME…and any time i move away from that…that knowing in me…all the other ‘stuff’ that i can be defined by rears its head and off i go…

it is hard and painful to just sit in the knowing that LOVE CREATED ME….THAT IS MY CENTER….THAT is where you live my friend…i cannot not be me…full of emotion and thoughts all swirling around into the vortex that is me…i have tried to the point of near extinction, to not be me…i don’t wanna anymore…

this morning i am here with you..bare souled…letting you know that i am hurting…i am tired, ya know that kind of tired no amount of sleep seems to remove..and i am weary…AND…LOVE CREATED ME to be and feel and do all those things…

I am NOT ‘too much’! I am NOT ‘too’ anything. I am a beautiful creature who has a lot of labels i.e lesbian, addict, crazy, lazy, etc. etc. etc…

Please help me this day live from my center..live from the LOVE CREATED ME place…it is pretty crazy around here already and yet I want to live from my center KNOWING I am wholly and rightly loved and not ‘too much’…

I love you God. You have had me, lovingly, by the short hairs for a number of years…and for that I am grateful…you removed the stones and opened the cage so I could fly…so I can re-define myself with any definition I want and for that I am eternally, wholly soul-fully grateful.

This is PRIDE weekend. There is a lot to be proud about…thanks for your time and your love and thank you for being you….don’t forget to put the coffee cup in the sink when you’re done πŸ˜‰ Β It’s been a great visit…

Much Love

OxoxoX

Meandering Mind

Good Morning! This morning feels kind of unsettled, there is a bit of anxiety going on I have an appointment later today that is a first for me and that always creates anxiety but I am trying to keep a cap on the ‘unknown’ stuff so the anxiety is minimal, at least it seems to be right now anyway.

It is a gorgeous sunny, windy day here the beautiful Oregon Coastal Community I live in. My best friend, my sister, is not feeling well and has not been feeling well for a few days and that always leaves me powerless. I don’t like that; her not feeling well. I mean I know it’s going to happen, but sometimes I just wish it didn’t happen so much.

She is my hero. Plain and simple. The way she has handled the life she has been given…amazing to say the least. I think this morning I’m upset about her not getting sleep and not feeling well. It is hard to see someone you love go through such pain.

I think I have finally settled back into my body and recovered from my moms birthday last week. I know most people don’t get it, or me for that matter, but it is completely draining and really hard to be an extrovert when my preferred status in an introvert…i get my energy from aloneness and solitude, not 45 people shoved into a room all talking what seems like rather loudly. I feel like I am finally back in my own skin and I am grateful for that.

Not much else going on…one reason i don’t like anxiety much is because it is a barrier to everything else I’m feeling and thinking..and that’s hard for me. So I think I’m going to sit here and breathe and make a cup of coffee and just knit until I don’t know when.

May this day find you with the courage and persistence to do the hard thing!

OxoxoX

courage

Friday’s Fun-To-Seas

My sister & I have this thing…when we are here, at my home, she will suggest going to the ocean (I live a mile from it) when the stress and anxiety levels are high. She knows that is my place of power and peace and she acknowledges that when I can’t put the words together.

This last weekend was gynormous; seeing family I haven’t seen in years, being a part of the noise and love and loudness…it was gynormous; and on the way home my sister asked me politely “do you want to go straight home or stop at the ocean first?” I always, well most of the time, choose the ocean even if my insides aren’t filleted.

This is the result of stopping and recharging (started to) and getting my feet planted (started too) on solid ground.

May you find that place that grounds you no matter how chaotic and upset the world as you know it might be; that place where you know that you know that you know the mosters cannot get you. That is my desire for every soul inhabiting this planet.

Have an amazing weekend come what may!

OxoxoX

PS…Yes I made the cardigan and yes it is deliciously warm πŸ˜€

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Springing Forth No Resistance.

Things and people seem to be dropping off in bucketloads as I continue the steadfast journey inward. There is not any pressure, no guilt or regret…just a true contentment of my soul as these things are leaving my life..who I once was, and who no longer fit into who I am morphing into…

I really like the saying that goes something like ‘if you can’t walk with me in the dark, you have no business knowing or sharing my light’ something to that effect but you get the gist…I am tired of giving people and things me when I am balanced when they disappear during the trial, the darkness if you will.

And today some of those things dropped off and I am writing about it because of the simplicity of it…how when the time is here, how easy things go away that no longer suit you. There is no fight in hanging on there is just following that knowing in my soul that it is time to let go and spring forth.

This is all new to me…not having to make a big deal out of the direction I’m going just trusting that God knows where I am at all times and the freedom in that is glorious!! I am preparing to go home for a couple of days; my mom is having an 80th birthday bash on Saturday and I am going..full on present in the moment going to be there and I am, right now, excited about it. Excited about seeing my nieces and family I haven’t seen for awhile I am excited. Joy and anticipation mixed and I can’t wait.

In the meantime, I get to do things like laundry, ya know, for some reason the maid didn’t get the memo πŸ™‚

Thanks for coming along on this journey with me.

OxoxoX

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