Good Morning God..

It’s me, Lisa. I am just gonna purge my soul if that’s alright with you..

As you know, Sunday August 23, 2015 I ran smack dab into myself and couldn’t run anymore…I had a deep soul awakening that I was gay and probably even born that way..now since then, the very few people I have told all listen intently to me than take a breathe and say ‘duh’ or something to the equivalent…and that may be there truth but my truth is still unfolding…

well let me rephrase…I am pretty secure in knowing I am gay I just am not sure what that means…I am attracted to men and yet I find myself flirting with girls…but on a deeper level I am not sure what gay is to me…what that means…most of all in relation to you!

I have been removing, or slammed the door shut to any appearance that I am about a boxed off, one way only kind of God and yet that leaves me wondering…how big am I gonna make my God…in my mind and heartA…I am tired of God being associated with a gender; I am tired of having to feel like I need to talk about a masculine God and like I get shunned if I mention the Goddess; the female aspect of God…

As you know stuff has been really bad with my neighbor; bad in the sense that I have fallen back into the shadow….hiding out of fear, out of lack of control, lack of peace…and some say that is because I have stopped praying and reading the bible or anything scripture…i want to f-e-e-l the love God has for me…no matter what gender i put on God…i want to     f-e-e-l like i am loved…bigly…by the God that created me…

I no longer what gender or circumstance or environment or the things i do or do not do to define my relationship with the God that created Lisa Ann Wood in the image of love…pure love…THAT is where I came from and where I want to live…I want to feel that in my soul and not have to rely on someone telling me or reading it somewhere…

Are ya feelin me God? Inside ME is where YOU are….and what is interesting is….it is also where thoughts and feelings and….well you made me a very complex person…but you already know that don’t you?

When i think of what you must be like (I have an ego, I can’t not do that) the inside of my being gets warm; when i cry cuz i just can’t do it one more second…the neighbor, the self hate, the lies…i feel you…when i close my eyes and am as still as i can be…i feel the love you created me in….i don’t know what my purpose is (again, seems to be an ego feeding proportion from where I sit) let me re-phrase…i don’t know…i have had so much pain in my life…and i don’t know why the lessons i have had have been mine…this morning i just feel done with it all…i don’t know why such a gentle, fragile spirit is here to witness and live through such hate and pain…i don’t know what the grand plan of any of that is…

I have so much “wrong” with me…mental illness, obesity…blah, blah, blah…and yet you created me…as you did every single other soul floating around this Universe in search whatever it is they are in search of…YOU created me…LOVE created me…regardless of what man had done to thwart that…LOVE CREATED ME…and any time i move away from that…that knowing in me…all the other ‘stuff’ that i can be defined by rears its head and off i go…

it is hard and painful to just sit in the knowing that LOVE CREATED ME….THAT IS MY CENTER….THAT is where you live my friend…i cannot not be me…full of emotion and thoughts all swirling around into the vortex that is me…i have tried to the point of near extinction, to not be me…i don’t wanna anymore…

this morning i am here with you..bare souled…letting you know that i am hurting…i am tired, ya know that kind of tired no amount of sleep seems to remove..and i am weary…AND…LOVE CREATED ME to be and feel and do all those things…

I am NOT ‘too much’! I am NOT ‘too’ anything. I am a beautiful creature who has a lot of labels i.e lesbian, addict, crazy, lazy, etc. etc. etc…

Please help me this day live from my center..live from the LOVE CREATED ME place…it is pretty crazy around here already and yet I want to live from my center KNOWING I am wholly and rightly loved and not ‘too much’…

I love you God. You have had me, lovingly, by the short hairs for a number of years…and for that I am grateful…you removed the stones and opened the cage so I could fly…so I can re-define myself with any definition I want and for that I am eternally, wholly soul-fully grateful.

This is PRIDE weekend. There is a lot to be proud about…thanks for your time and your love and thank you for being you….don’t forget to put the coffee cup in the sink when you’re done 😉  It’s been a great visit…

Much Love

OxoxoX

Hello Friends!

Can I just tell you I have been going through it the last couple of months. I know that my processor and the way I look at and process things is genuinely different than most and I also know that some things are just plain exhausting.

I have a neighbor who has been just really, really troublesome for me, and my soul and it has been difficult. I am a creature that MUST have quiet. I have finally quit denying that about myself and have accepted it one hundred percent. I MUST HAVE QUIET!

Now to most, I don’t think that is any big deal; when i don’t have quiet my soul feels like it is deteriorating, I become incapable of not slipping into old ways and the stuff that occurs again in my brain is almost to overwhelming for me. I have been having night terrors again where i am seeing myself cutting myself again and it is just not good.

So yes, quiet has become a necessity for me; almost just like breathing and eating.

I have had to pursue getting this woman and her two children removed from the property which takes its toll on me as well; continuing on with a process that will remove someone from their home well…let me just say it started out as me going to all lengths to communicate with her and yet she is so closed off, that I had to pursue other means…

By other means I mean I have had to go through management and my neighbor received an eviction notice last week. This has been an excruciating process; it didn’t happen quickly or simply because I was not getting my way. I have a deep soul understanding of what it is like to be homeless and can’t imagine how much more difficult it would be with children AND…the path I was heading down as a result of the noise coming into my home was leading me right smack dab into the middle of feeling like i was a victim again and again; I am still having night terrors…

Today my brother & sis are coming over to pick up a scarf I made for him..not just any scarf, one that consists of 14 charts and over 63,000 stitches..so it will be nice to visit with them instead of hearing just the pounding neighbors…I am so looking forward to that I can hardly see straight.

So that is what is on the agenda today friends. May your day be filled with light, love and peace as you journey forward on this Monday.

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good-bye

Please don’t tell me you are my friend, and that you love me when you no longer speak to me.

Those are false words.

Please don’t tell me how much you care for me when you no longer have the time to give me you.

Those are false words.

Yes, your life has changed; so has mine. It seems like we are on opposite paths now. I do not know what to do about that.

I have stopped putting forth the effort to contact you; because I am always the one that contacts you. When I stop….it all stops…

That tells me that I may be a bit more invested, if you will, in this relationship and I am tired of having those kinds of relationships.

We no longer share the social media relationship either. I quit participating in social media a while ago..that is when the change first started.

I get that you say God is moving you in a certain direction; I say God is moving me deeper and deeper into relations. It feels like your God is moving you away from them.

I know you have a family and that takes up your heart. I get it. I am just struggling with not having an important place in your heart anymore. It hurts.

And so it goes….I miss you and the person that you were because you see, that is the only person I know…

OxoxoX

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Mid-Day Breather…

Just got back from my walk; it’s currently 70 degrees and it’s beautiful here on the Pacific Coast!

Was really physically not well yesterday and today I woke up with a real cloudy head, nothing a walk couldn’t fix!


I love my home and the deep breathes the ocean air allows me to take into my lungs!

Hope your Monday is going well

OxoxoX

My Mom

I just got off the phone with my mom and she is in the middle of getting a massage, which she says “I think I needed real bad my back was all tight.” and a pedicure. She pampers herself quite often she says and that just warms my heart.

Tears come out my eyes after our short but beautiful conversation because our lives, mine with my parents, has changed so much over the years..sooo much! In short, 30 years ago I had my mom on a hit list, to have her throat cut ear to ear by someone whom I didn’t even know but who was willing to do it..

I cannot even begin to tell you what all has happened in those 30 years to bring us to the point today where we are talking about my mom getting pedicures and taking care of herself and both of us, when we hang up the phone, telling each other we love each other from our toes…

I suppose the tears are the recognition of how blessed I am that I am where I am at in my relationship with her…she is my mom. MY mom. and it is a trip growing older with her…the more layers of the hardness around my heart that are removed, the more I love her.

I am so grateful (seems a bit over used but can’t think of a bigger word to describe my heart) that they both have been able to see me flourish and thrive; in my dream home, being totally 100% ME…I am so grateful I have been allowed this time with both of them so they can see with their own eyes that I am good…that my life is full of beauty and love…

I love my mom today with my whole heart; never imagined in my wildest desires of wanting a mom, that this is what it would feel like; I never imagined I would love her from the center of my heart out…

It makes all of those years, probably 48….it makes all of the turmoil and hate and angst worth it…now that I can love her so freely and openly…and yea kinda cheesy but I do believe that what makes it so easy for me to love her today is that I have looked in the shadows and under all the rocks visible in my own soul; I have no more secrets that I am running from, my heart is an open book TO MYSELF…which truly does enable me to simply love my mom and dad.

Love isn’t love if it doesn’t come from a place of purity, of simplicity and honesty. I no longer love myself or my parents out of some sideways obligation..it is purely, simply flowing from the I AM of my heart…

THAT is beyond a blessing.

OxoxoX

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Authentic…Really….

I think I am finally seeing clearly that I really don’t look at absolutely anything the way most others do. And that is okay yet…it keeps me distant because the way I interact, the way I express what I need from people; is foreign, at best, to most.

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So the biggest place where I notice this is how sufficient the world is, whether the world is the world, wide web and the people I have found on it; or my family, how people ‘say’ I love you…and I am sure they mean it…but what do they mean?

To me, for me, when I say I love someone that means that I am placing them as a high priority in my heart; and how I do that is I show them. Plain and simple. Whether through calling, texting, writing a note or seeing them…and I need love giving to me to be the same way.

I think it is easy for one to be like a clanging cymbal and talk…for talk is the cheapest of all talents…talk about how they love someone, well let’s for the sake of this blog say how they love me….talk, talk, talk….throw around the phrase ‘I love you’ like it is as meaningless as “I’ll take out the trash”…because it is often said in the same breathe. When I say I love someone, it is the most well thought of, biggest feeling in my heart and it feels like my heart will just burst wide open if I don’t share that with them.

And I have stopped saying it to those who in my heart, I say it to and it is just words. There are far to many words spoken in the English language and not enough actions shown. People in my life say they love me and I don’t hear from them for days and even months…and I am always the one who has to reach out first…and I feel if someone is saying they love me that I will be a twinge on their heart, or a thought across their minds, like they are with me, and that they will show me instead of just talk about it; again this post is about me seeing clearly how different I am from others, it is not about anyone specifically.

I find it difficult, and never claimed to be perfect at it; that when someone doesn’t show they love me, I still tend to take my loving them away…because they don’t really care about receiving love if that don’t know how to show it or give it…I am talking specifically about those that talk about loving me yet don’t hear me when I show them how I receive it best…now that may be way mixed up but I never claimed to be god…I am human after all and I seem to not be able to give something that is not given in return.

I am learning how to make LOVING part of the flow of who I am so it matters not when or if it is returned to me and it is coming along s-l-o-w-l-y at best. All I would like to have happen is that if I have risked vulnerability with you by telling you how best to love me; and in your humanness and life haven’t figured out how to do that…please, please, please stop talking about loving me…all you are doing is trying to convince yourself and me that you love me when you can’t even figure out how to give love. Stop talking about how much you love me when you can’t show me! I no longer what to be a part of someone pumping up their own egos, throwing the love words around, and yet here I am feeling alone and empty..STOP TALKING…LOVE IS AN ACTION WORD…A VERB…please, for your sake and mine, figure out how to listen to how to love me and then either do that or don’t it matters not; but it will enable me to stay or go.

The definition of authentic is: of undisputed origin; genuine.

So that begs the question…as you go about your day TALKING about how you are living an authentic life…are you loving others authentically? If you are I want to gently let you know…I can’t tell because you are holding back your love…so busy talking about it, getting your ego stroked, and yet i don’t get a note or a text or anything…authentic has to do with every area of my life; not just the areas I pick and choose…

Thank you so much for listening.

OxoxoX

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