The Beauty That I See

I am learning so much about me through this gardening adventure!!

Last week we got slammed with a terrific rain storm and there was absolutely NOTHING left of this plant…nothing!

Today I cannot believe it…


And it even has babies…flowers have always taught me soooo much!!!

And I did nothing to it! No control.. I’m learning that leaving something alone in still fertile ground it can, and does grow!

What a beautiful lesson!!

Deep Love & Rich Blessings

To Whom It May Concern;

On this day thirty years ago, I walked into a house with dirty clothes, a dirty body and an angry, angry angry soul.

I had just got kicked out of a traveling carnival; my mom(who was on a hit list a week before) came and got me and took me to treatment for drug and alcohol addiction.

I was tore up from the floor up! The only word I knew was ‘fuck’ and I used it in regards to everything. I was the meanest bitch you would ever wanna know. I pulled the guy who was going to go to my parents house and slit my mom’s throat from ear to ear in her sleep. I had not one once of love in my heart; was totally black. Was not accepting love coming in either and I hurt some real kind people very badly with the things I said just to keep them away from me.

Love equaled pain. Love was not real. Love was an illusion, used by people who only wanted something from me. Know one loved me for being me; me was so far gone down the black hole and she was never coming out for no one or nothing.

I got kicked out of treatment after six months and when I left there, all the counselors told me I wouldn’t stay clean or sober one week after I left.

I sat in three AA meetings a day for the first five years of my sobriety; every single day because I needed too and because I couldn’t deal with real life. Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous and the people there when I came through the door. I slammed my way through the house (on Baker Street where the meetings were) and made my way back to get coffee and everyone tried t welcome me and I proceeded to tell them all to fuck off. They would laugh and tell me things like ‘keep coming back’ and ‘let us love you until you can love yourself’…

I am still here…thirty years later…that is 10,950 one day at a time. I couldn’t even make it a full day for the first couple of years; I had an untreated mental diagnosis (that I didn’t really know about) I was raging being being molested for ten years by my dad(which I didn’t remember until I had twenty years of sobriety) and I had a whacked up emotional nature being raised in shame and guilt for the whole of my life.

I got to treatment nine days from my twenty second birthday. I seriously have not had a drop or a drug since the fiftieth of August 1986…

I am in no way, shape or form bragging about this. I share this here, this day; in the hopes that if someone is struggling with addiction they will have an infamous moment of clarity that allows them to be quiet enough inside to look at themselves surrounded by the walls of pain. Layers upon layers upon layers of pain..that take years and years to weed through.

Thirty years ago, I was consumed with a desire for others (particularly my mom) to take care of me the rest of my life. I was bound and determined to make her pay; for what I was never really clear about.

Today after layers and layers of work and pain and hate and blame have been worked through, I can honestly say I love both my parents very, very much. Forgiveness has been the balm that has healed our relationship. That is courtesy of a Loving God who never stopped loving me.

This is the start of another year, the end of one ore day; and it is a day that I can look back and see all my personal growth; I no longer hate with a passion that can drive you insane; I no longer am a slave to rage or addiction; I can lovingly tell people how I am feeling and work through bumps in relationships that matter to me today.

Two years ago, I got the opportunity to move over to the Coast which is where I have wanted to live since I was little. The ocean has always been my rescuer and always will be. I have been fully self-supporting for ten years now. I have relationships in my life that I never ever imagined I would have AND…I am able to let people know today when i hurt. I am not a shell walking around with no soul. I am a soul walking a round with a shell that is peace and love and kindness and gentleness.

Thank you seems inadequate someone and yet…thank you Bill Willson and Dr Bob for just being two drunks who listened and shared and helped each other so that I may live and live my life oh so abundantly today.

If you are in the grip of a continuous and progressive illness and want a way out..please contact your local AA Chapter. You are not alone and you deserve to have a full, happy abundant life.

Much Love

OxoxoX

 

Seeking and sharing my life with God/ess is a solitary endeavor.

No longer do I have a need to point out the lack of people in my life…knowing it is my choice!

The last couple months, well four to be exact, have been tough. Stressful and painful and I’ve chosen to share my soul with kind, loving people!

Since last August with the admittance that I’m gay; I have been desiring a more broader definition of God. Broader in the sense of non exclusion; the Christian God has become a very exclusive place to me.

I want the power I rely on to face the storms with me to be all inclusive; I don’t want to practice the ‘I have the golden ticket and unless…’ kind of God. My foundation is God and in that is love and I refuse to believe however I practice that, that God looks down his nose at me cuz I don’t call it Jesus. That’s not the God I follow!!

And if you do; if the only thing that makes you thrive is called God Jesus that is absolutely beautiful AND…don’t judge me because it’s not my MO…I’m still seeking a relationship with God; hopefully I always will and in that I’ve learned how to be responsible for me; my thoughts my actions and my lack of reactions!

I’m so grateful I am no longer in a place where I have to please you to be liked by you! Relationships of all kinds are give & take and I’ve quit giving when nothing is returned! I seek depth, the more into your God you go seems like it’s shallower and shallower and I’m just not interested in that!

I have a lot going on in my life; God knows, my best friend knows and you haven’t appeared interested in a very long time which is great…seek God…enjoy…please stop telling others that people have stopped talking with you. Take responsibility for your lack of actions in this relationship; it might be a great place to start…

OxoxoX

Springing Forth No Resistance.

Things and people seem to be dropping off in bucketloads as I continue the steadfast journey inward. There is not any pressure, no guilt or regret…just a true contentment of my soul as these things are leaving my life..who I once was, and who no longer fit into who I am morphing into…

I really like the saying that goes something like ‘if you can’t walk with me in the dark, you have no business knowing or sharing my light’ something to that effect but you get the gist…I am tired of giving people and things me when I am balanced when they disappear during the trial, the darkness if you will.

And today some of those things dropped off and I am writing about it because of the simplicity of it…how when the time is here, how easy things go away that no longer suit you. There is no fight in hanging on there is just following that knowing in my soul that it is time to let go and spring forth.

This is all new to me…not having to make a big deal out of the direction I’m going just trusting that God knows where I am at all times and the freedom in that is glorious!! I am preparing to go home for a couple of days; my mom is having an 80th birthday bash on Saturday and I am going..full on present in the moment going to be there and I am, right now, excited about it. Excited about seeing my nieces and family I haven’t seen for awhile I am excited. Joy and anticipation mixed and I can’t wait.

In the meantime, I get to do things like laundry, ya know, for some reason the maid didn’t get the memo 🙂

Thanks for coming along on this journey with me.

OxoxoX

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I am having a difficult time writing right now.

So I woke up, sat in my recliner and hunkered in (with my ‘I love you to the moon’ blankie and sweater on) and i decided to see who was on Super Soul Sunday after checking out The Food Network…and there he was…the little cutie pie interior designer named Nate Berkus…

And this is where my life, my being, my whole world stopped and became different all at the same time. No I am not being ‘dramatic’…this just happened about an hour ago and I am going to try and describe what happened as it has been said ‘if you can describe a spiritual experience, you probably haven’t had one’…so keep that it mind as you read the rest of my blog…

So I am sitting in my favorite chair, listening to Oprah and Nate talk about his life and what his littlehood was like and all of a sudden (even now as I am typing too) the earth held her breath for a moment(which really seems like eternity itself had stopped) and I heard him say, as I have heard hundreds of other gay people say and never really bought it, ‘I was born gay’….and even now typing this a ball of what feels like the greatest warmth ever created appears in my mid section and is making my belly button feel like it is on pure fire, like someone is trying to get out…well little do i know how true that is…

‘I was born gay’…my mouth was in a semi permeant position of being open…and the flame was growing warming in my belly button…again I repeat it to myself ‘I was born gay’…of course time and words and silence…they were all waiting for me to breathe; all i could feel was this warmth warming me up from the inside…and the sacred water flowing out of my eyes…and i knew…

On this Sunday, August 22, 2015 there was no more doubt what my life would have been like pre molesting…there was only knowing. I am convinced now that I was born gay…and the trauma was a way to stop any abuse that would have occurred from my living that truth…

so all those years (10 now to be exact) I found myself ruminating on what I was or who I was before that abuse happened…wondering if God still loved me deep down in myself because i knew, since the abuse occurred, I was not who God wanted me to be…my life is/was based on the trajectory of that trauma and today…i have a gut knowing about why the trauma and who God designed me to be…

and let me just say the overwhelming peace…like i have never, ever felt before, has replaced the fire in my belly and the pure and utter contentment that is here, in me and around me now…not from knowing but from trusting that God would reveal to me in the right time; in the right way; when i was absolutely ready and not going to run from the truth anymore..

I am a gay woman. I am a gay woman who survived being molested by her father for 13 years. I am a gay woman whom God created in the bowels of love and light and grace. I am a gay woman who is intuitive and strong and gentle and beautiful who can now live her truth; because i know that is who God created me to be…

whew…i find it interesting that the trauma protected me from my real self…sent me on a trajectory of horrible, horrible things happening to me…things that kept me away from who I was until now…i don’t have any clue, although I am pretty sure…i would have succeed in killing myself had i had to make room for the truth of being gay in my life along with everything else…God spared me from the truth until I was safe, and willing, and protected by silence…internally not only external. So I am sitting in my dream home, which is a mile(by car) away from my power place, the ocean, and it is absolutely quiet…I can hear the intake of my sacred breathe and the exhale of that breathe..and in between…that pause between in breathe and out breathe..there is a warmth in my belly, and such peace in my mind I cannot explain…there are no voices, no doubts, no shame…just peace and contentment..and oh my gosh the silence is so silent and so stunningly beautiful…and breathtaking….

I wanted to write this day down; this moment, I don’t want to forget it EVER!! This is the day I have completely stopped living my life for others…THIS is the day I completely have said Yes to my life and My God…this is the day i have quit running away from something and am running, full throttle, into me…i am not in a hurry to call friends and family…i think this is about my passionate, loving relationship with My Creator…thank you God for my wings…now watch me as I fly…

I was born gay…

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WIDE OPEN SPACES!

Thoughts…

So three years ago I uprooted myself from my then house, which wasn’t one at all it was my first apartment, in Seattle and I came back to Oregon. What I thought at the time was for one reason and which actually turned out to be something completely different…I mean wayyyy different…

I was abandon via email by my “SisterFriend” of ten years and that, again at the time, was my sole reason for coming back to Oregon to be closer to her…ummmmm nope that didn’t happen…we have tried in several email(ish) attempts to correspond yet she says things like ‘well I see you haven’t changed at all and I can no longer speak to you’…which isn’t true and one really cannot tell through the typed or written word…I never have been given a chance to ‘show her’…and now today I know that is not something I need to do in any relationship…prove to anyone else anything..so I have left go…sometimes that time of my life comes by for a visit; sometimes I want it to unpack its bags and stay forever however that only happens when I am needing to feel bad about myself…so fortunately for me the visit actually is a visit…

Last night it came by to visit…stayed a little later than I would have liked but I woke up and thank God it is gone…what is it you may be asking? It is the past..that moment when I lost something that was sooo significant TO ME and just that general time in my life..I had made a great life for myself in Seattle…was photographing and writing for a paper that even the mayor read…and so I guess what ‘it’ is is that past time and the emotions attached to that time…I am so grateful it visits because it truly is good to feel where you have been so you can feel how precious the eternal now is…

AND YET…

Having said all of that, yes I am so grateful I can look at that time in my life now, all the way up to the email time, and not feel like that was the very worst thing that could have happened…not be able to let go of it…because what has happened to me as a result of accepting the truth that my SisterFriend no longer wanted me in her life is FREEDOM. Freedom to not be boxed in by so many labels of who I thought I was, or who anyone thought I was; freedom to find MY relationship with God..not have it be based on a group of people just so I can fit in and never have to look at the shadows..I have friended my shadows and the only reason there is light and i can share any light is because of going to the depths with all my shadows…I am absolutely no longer afraid of my darkness within….and I no longer need groups of people to tell me I am beautiful and lovely and worthy of love…I don’t….I am grateful to have God show me my worth and beauty…and sometimes, and gratefully, that comes from the one or two people I have let into my darkness…..I now know that who I trust is a choice…I don’t have to trust someone simply because everyone else is…when she removed me from her life I let go of a helluva lot more than I could even conceive at the time…of which I am soulfully, deeply grateful.

I have people in my life today whom I can admit when I am wrong and they don’t go anywhere…people who will call me to work a bad feeling or a misunderstanding out with me and not just send me a random email telling me they are done with me…sometimes I have been the one to do that because I still don’t believe it is okay for me to simply say ‘hey I need to back away for a minute, I will get back with you soon’ however…I am learning that for sure 🙂

I also have a true best friend. Someone whom on the very first day we connected (having known each other years before) told me ‘I know I am going to screw things up; I will hurt you’ and someone revealing that simple truth has opened my heart and soul to her in a way I never thought possible. No more fairytale friendships in my life; the truth is we are all human and we all make mistakes and today I am no longer running away from myself and others simply because I make a mistake in a relationship. It is the most intense, interesting thing really and truly having someone stick by you not just cuz its easy and then bailing but because they have made a conscious choice to love you…what a difference a non co-dependent, unhealthy relationship has made in my life…it has been the sole thing…not since Charlene have I been able to be free and change and grow and find out what defines me instead of agreeing with others for fear of being alone or not belonging…

So it is safe to safe I can now, after 3 years, say that email was the best thing I have ever received…it has made me the who I am…and she will never, ever have a clue because today I do not trust unworthy people.

I hope ya’ll are getting a little more grounded in your souls this day.

Love & Blessings

oxoxox

%22Soul Searching” by MichaelO
Soul Searching by Michael O.