My sister went home a couple hours ago and we had a great, deep talk. Seems like I am growing more and more real and fond with her. I have been in an active, seeking to know kind of relationship with her for years and I shared stuff with her that no one else knows…which created an unknown putting up my shield with her for the last month (we see each other one day a month)

Yesterday when she arrived and after the crafty show and tell I let it fly out of my mouth that i needed not to correspond with her via email anymore, for a period of time. No telling how long the period of time..she was okay with that and as we continued talking it finally was revealed to me why i felt like i was treading backwards in my relationship with her…because over my birthday weekend i shared stuff with her that i had never talked with anyone about and i had shared a desire with her that i had never told anyone..

it created a loop-da-loop in my mind and i have been pushing away (unconsciously) from her since then. My head had been creating arguments, and reasons to be mad etc until it dawned on me “you shared pretty intimate stuff with her’…i had no what was up until she was in my living room, that the level i shared with her was a bit intimate…it is hard to realize the why of something regarding another person if said person isn’t in my environment…

so when i realized that it was like the wall had come down and it instantly changed, even by a millimeter…still it began to change.

Nothing grows in the dark. I believe that with everything in my heart. I can’t get un-stuck or move forward if i don’t know what is causing the stuckedness…

So the rest will take time. Of which I was reassured she wasn’t going anywhere so it can take all the time necessary….

I am grateful she was here and I am grateful to have my home back.

Thank you so much sweet sister for the Sacred Sister time.

Much Love



Please don’t tell me you are my friend, and that you love me when you no longer speak to me.

Those are false words.

Please don’t tell me how much you care for me when you no longer have the time to give me you.

Those are false words.

Yes, your life has changed; so has mine. It seems like we are on opposite paths now. I do not know what to do about that.

I have stopped putting forth the effort to contact you; because I am always the one that contacts you. When I stop….it all stops…

That tells me that I may be a bit more invested, if you will, in this relationship and I am tired of having those kinds of relationships.

We no longer share the social media relationship either. I quit participating in social media a while ago..that is when the change first started.

I get that you say God is moving you in a certain direction; I say God is moving me deeper and deeper into relations. It feels like your God is moving you away from them.

I know you have a family and that takes up your heart. I get it. I am just struggling with not having an important place in your heart anymore. It hurts.

And so it goes….I miss you and the person that you were because you see, that is the only person I know…




Agape: ” affection, good-will, love, benevolence”

I have been doing a lot of talking with the manager here about my neighbor and I cried both yesterday and today because I understand the neighbor; I get the neighbor; hell minus the two kids I was the neighbor…

First I will preface this by saying I am in no way, shape, or form better than anyone else. We ALL have our things; things that get us, make us made or things we feel emotional about. AND…I moved into this apartment after 50 years of pushing and fighting and holding onto hate and rage until the very last second…so I get it! I truly do…

And what I got in touch with in the managers office this morning is that deep, deep, deep inside (hopefully she won’t have to wait 42 years) there is a very, very wounded girl. I can say that will all authority in me…I once raged, and hurt others with my mouth so bad that I deemed myself unable to ever be forgiven….so I want to reach out to my neighbor and yet every time I do I am met with the same anger and rage looking back at me as I once had looking back at everyone else…

I was homeless; never tried being something other than what I was, a hopeless bum who hated deeply and had no time for love, after all, that only led to more pain….and I didn’t have obstacles in my way like a job or a family…I was full on 100% bona fide rage!! Every…single….second….!

So I guess I am writing this morning in an attempt to tell the Universe I understand. Sometimes you cannot be a light for someone if they only want to continue walking in the darkness. I can live quietly and love deeply at a distance. I can help her along her path by not tolerating that which is intolerable…that’s how I can help..or what I can do rather…she doesn’t need help…not yet!!

Sometimes when I walk out my door and life is looking at me from every direction, the life I once led, it makes me sob…because I have made choices that have allowed me to live a different life…I know the path of darkness, hate, rage…I got that one down perfectly..almost to the end of the line…and then out of sheer necessity…I made a choice to trust LOVE.

That was the first (and only thing today) I actually trusted..and it has never, ever let me down. No, I am not talking human love I am talking Agape…from the Creator of the whole Fucking Universe…

And when, or if, that happens for anyone else is not for me to try and dictate when or if…it is up to me to empathize and move on..not discard away but simply move on when I recognize that rage monster in someone else because there is just no helping someone when they are co-existing with the monster…

I am blessed and soooo grateful that I trust agape LOVE!




I think I am finally seeing clearly that I really don’t look at absolutely anything the way most others do. And that is okay yet…it keeps me distant because the way I interact, the way I express what I need from people; is foreign, at best, to most.


So the biggest place where I notice this is how sufficient the world is, whether the world is the world, wide web and the people I have found on it; or my family, how people ‘say’ I love you…and I am sure they mean it…but what do they mean?

To me, for me, when I say I love someone that means that I am placing them as a high priority in my heart; and how I do that is I show them. Plain and simple. Whether through calling, texting, writing a note or seeing them…and I need love giving to me to be the same way.

I think it is easy for one to be like a clanging cymbal and talk…for talk is the cheapest of all talents…talk about how they love someone, well let’s for the sake of this blog say how they love me….talk, talk, talk….throw around the phrase ‘I love you’ like it is as meaningless as “I’ll take out the trash”…because it is often said in the same breathe. When I say I love someone, it is the most well thought of, biggest feeling in my heart and it feels like my heart will just burst wide open if I don’t share that with them.

And I have stopped saying it to those who in my heart, I say it to and it is just words. There are far to many words spoken in the English language and not enough actions shown. People in my life say they love me and I don’t hear from them for days and even months…and I am always the one who has to reach out first…and I feel if someone is saying they love me that I will be a twinge on their heart, or a thought across their minds, like they are with me, and that they will show me instead of just talk about it; again this post is about me seeing clearly how different I am from others, it is not about anyone specifically.

I find it difficult, and never claimed to be perfect at it; that when someone doesn’t show they love me, I still tend to take my loving them away…because they don’t really care about receiving love if that don’t know how to show it or give it…I am talking specifically about those that talk about loving me yet don’t hear me when I show them how I receive it best…now that may be way mixed up but I never claimed to be god…I am human after all and I seem to not be able to give something that is not given in return.

I am learning how to make LOVING part of the flow of who I am so it matters not when or if it is returned to me and it is coming along s-l-o-w-l-y at best. All I would like to have happen is that if I have risked vulnerability with you by telling you how best to love me; and in your humanness and life haven’t figured out how to do that…please, please, please stop talking about loving me…all you are doing is trying to convince yourself and me that you love me when you can’t even figure out how to give love. Stop talking about how much you love me when you can’t show me! I no longer what to be a part of someone pumping up their own egos, throwing the love words around, and yet here I am feeling alone and empty..STOP TALKING…LOVE IS AN ACTION WORD…A VERB…please, for your sake and mine, figure out how to listen to how to love me and then either do that or don’t it matters not; but it will enable me to stay or go.

The definition of authentic is: of undisputed origin; genuine.

So that begs the question…as you go about your day TALKING about how you are living an authentic life…are you loving others authentically? If you are I want to gently let you know…I can’t tell because you are holding back your love…so busy talking about it, getting your ego stroked, and yet i don’t get a note or a text or anything…authentic has to do with every area of my life; not just the areas I pick and choose…

Thank you so much for listening.





Last Post of 2015

I decided this last post was going to be somewhat of a meditation of sorts from one of my most favorite authors, John O’ Donohue.

A little bit of what first brought me to John…the book, Anam Cara, it’s one of my most favorite books. The title, whose origins I believe is Irish, means ‘Soul Friend.’ This book feeds my soul like no other.

May each day be a moment in time that is rare and precious to each of us in the coming year. May we find ourselves more grounded in the truth of who we are and live from that place.

May we all have love, peace, and joy in abundance and give from that place in our souls that KNOWS that.

Thank you all for viewing, visiting, commenting and sharing yourselves with me here; it means the world to me, truly.

Love & Peace.

John O'Donohue Solitude.jpg

Bless You!!