Me and Fat and Fear…AND LOVE!

ahhhhh.

I am so ready to shed this skin that I now have…AND fear stops me…

I just had a talk with myself down on the floor which, at 325 pounds is something i haven’t done for some time…i started sobbing and had one hand on my tummy and one had on my heart saying over and over and over again ‘I’m sorry!’

The fat and the fear have always , always been useful(with the exception of not stopping my dad) Useful in the sense of keeping people away; it is lots easier to talk behind an obese persons back in whispers rather than approach them because they equal everything unhealthy…in some minds…

I am, right now at 4:25pm Monday June 12, 2017, acutely aware of how much pain my body is in…and the fact that I am doing it to myself…that cuts deep through the fear and the bullshit and goes straight to my soul…

I AM DOING THIS TO MY BODY…I AM CAUSING MY PHYSICAL SHELL UNDUE STRESS AND HARM BECAUSE I AM OBESE…

i would like to say I feel better now however that truth is deeply painful.

I no longer have to hurt myself…I am not talking about loosing weight, going to gym, yada, yada, yada…I am talking about a soul recognition that will bring about an awareness, a conscious awareness of what I put into my body and what i do to my body..

In 2012 I lost 85lbs. I was still completely terrified and was not grounded in anything; guys were whistling, I didn’t have 3 chins…and it was an outside, physical thing…

Today I live my life beyond the depths. I am learning how to listen; be patient; and most of all be kind(on a spiritual level) AND YET…

I went to the grocery store and did not purchase anything with sugar in it…I was sitting in a chair that had my legs hanging over and when I got home, after the shopping and the walking that I did, my hips ached so much I cried to my body and said ‘I am sorry!”

I am working so hard at living from a place of peace and yet fear still governs my eating habits! Fear of living from a place of intense emotion…

Right now this moment I don’t have to fear that…I am a sensitive soul. I am an empath. I am wired to where emotions are my connection to the Great I Am and my connection to myself and all…I don’t have to fear myself anymore…I need to love myself and love myself abundantly…how do I do that….

I mean I have gotten a good grasp of my fear (most) of them throughout my day, however when it comes to sugar, or even just food I eat because I am lonely or bored or or or…

I want to eat as mindfully as I meditate. I want to eat as mindfully as I listen. I want to eat mindfully. Eating to feed my body. Not to loose weight, not for any other reason but that I want to love my body by what I am eating not hating it.

Goddess, I know the physical pain that I’m feeling right now will leave. May the moment of clarity that I have experienced as a result be my MIND-FULL-NESS reason to pursue health in my eating habits and choices.

I am sure it will take a minute but I feel a shift inside…I am done hurting myself. More importantly…

I WANT TO LOVE MYSELF WHOLLY, COMPLETELY AND UNCONDITIONALLY!

Deep Love & Rich Blessings

OxoxoX

Me Day…

A serious ‘me’ day with a few of my favorite things…and beautiful acoustic guitar music coming out of my TV…ahhhhh. 

Very emotional/feeling day but I’m safe, breathing and I am loved! May you have your favorite things, and balance, love, and a quiet mind today and always! 

Deep Love & Rich Blessings

OxoxoX

Photo taken with my Canon t3i

I Did It!

I have finally overcome a 22+ year old fear; you know the one. It haunts you in your dreams, it screams at you around every corner of your waking hours…

“I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH!”

I think as I grow older and hopefully maturing, I am learning the secret to living a quality life is learning that there is no such thing as ‘enough’. When I am on that cycle, whether other voices or mine, there is just no getting around it…there will never be enough.

I have also learned that the only way to remove that voice/those tapes, is to just DO IT!! What ever that it is that I am not good enough for…and ya know, that is what happened today…I just did it!!

No voices telling me I can’t, just me pushing along, not even hearing the fear tape but recognizing the gynormity of how long it has been since wanting and actually doing had met up…

I bought some essential oils as a christmas present for myself and I have been using them in my amazing diffuser and today that just wasn’t enough. I had to figure out how to use a carrier oil so I could put the oils directly on my skin…and so…I just did it.

I feel an unholy pride in the fact that I have two containers, one with lavender and eucalyptus and the other peppermint, that can now be applied directly to my body…wherever the need is.

The lavender and eucalyptus together creates a wonderful combination for my asthma/sinus stuff…the eucalyptus is a holy healer, a decongestion that opens my lungs up right away while the lavender keeps the rest of me calm…

The peppermint will be used when I need peace, and when I need to quiet a headache and also when I need to feel rejuvenated and revived. These are all pure oils and the peppermint is cooling so it reduces muscle tension and tightness in my lungs as well.

I am so grateful I am stepping into the shoes of my almost forgotten soul. To be able to walk with pride about who I am and who I’m becoming is truly a beautiful thing. I am deeply grateful.

Blessed Be.

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January 28, 2017 at 2:30m

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To Whom It May Concern;

On this day thirty years ago, I walked into a house with dirty clothes, a dirty body and an angry, angry angry soul.

I had just got kicked out of a traveling carnival; my mom(who was on a hit list a week before) came and got me and took me to treatment for drug and alcohol addiction.

I was tore up from the floor up! The only word I knew was ‘fuck’ and I used it in regards to everything. I was the meanest bitch you would ever wanna know. I pulled the guy who was going to go to my parents house and slit my mom’s throat from ear to ear in her sleep. I had not one once of love in my heart; was totally black. Was not accepting love coming in either and I hurt some real kind people very badly with the things I said just to keep them away from me.

Love equaled pain. Love was not real. Love was an illusion, used by people who only wanted something from me. Know one loved me for being me; me was so far gone down the black hole and she was never coming out for no one or nothing.

I got kicked out of treatment after six months and when I left there, all the counselors told me I wouldn’t stay clean or sober one week after I left.

I sat in three AA meetings a day for the first five years of my sobriety; every single day because I needed too and because I couldn’t deal with real life. Thank God for Alcoholics Anonymous and the people there when I came through the door. I slammed my way through the house (on Baker Street where the meetings were) and made my way back to get coffee and everyone tried t welcome me and I proceeded to tell them all to fuck off. They would laugh and tell me things like ‘keep coming back’ and ‘let us love you until you can love yourself’…

I am still here…thirty years later…that is 10,950 one day at a time. I couldn’t even make it a full day for the first couple of years; I had an untreated mental diagnosis (that I didn’t really know about) I was raging being being molested for ten years by my dad(which I didn’t remember until I had twenty years of sobriety) and I had a whacked up emotional nature being raised in shame and guilt for the whole of my life.

I got to treatment nine days from my twenty second birthday. I seriously have not had a drop or a drug since the fiftieth of August 1986…

I am in no way, shape or form bragging about this. I share this here, this day; in the hopes that if someone is struggling with addiction they will have an infamous moment of clarity that allows them to be quiet enough inside to look at themselves surrounded by the walls of pain. Layers upon layers upon layers of pain..that take years and years to weed through.

Thirty years ago, I was consumed with a desire for others (particularly my mom) to take care of me the rest of my life. I was bound and determined to make her pay; for what I was never really clear about.

Today after layers and layers of work and pain and hate and blame have been worked through, I can honestly say I love both my parents very, very much. Forgiveness has been the balm that has healed our relationship. That is courtesy of a Loving God who never stopped loving me.

This is the start of another year, the end of one ore day; and it is a day that I can look back and see all my personal growth; I no longer hate with a passion that can drive you insane; I no longer am a slave to rage or addiction; I can lovingly tell people how I am feeling and work through bumps in relationships that matter to me today.

Two years ago, I got the opportunity to move over to the Coast which is where I have wanted to live since I was little. The ocean has always been my rescuer and always will be. I have been fully self-supporting for ten years now. I have relationships in my life that I never ever imagined I would have AND…I am able to let people know today when i hurt. I am not a shell walking around with no soul. I am a soul walking a round with a shell that is peace and love and kindness and gentleness.

Thank you seems inadequate someone and yet…thank you Bill Willson and Dr Bob for just being two drunks who listened and shared and helped each other so that I may live and live my life oh so abundantly today.

If you are in the grip of a continuous and progressive illness and want a way out..please contact your local AA Chapter. You are not alone and you deserve to have a full, happy abundant life.

Much Love

OxoxoX

 

Agape…

Agape: ” affection, good-will, love, benevolence”

I have been doing a lot of talking with the manager here about my neighbor and I cried both yesterday and today because I understand the neighbor; I get the neighbor; hell minus the two kids I was the neighbor…

First I will preface this by saying I am in no way, shape, or form better than anyone else. We ALL have our things; things that get us, make us made or things we feel emotional about. AND…I moved into this apartment after 50 years of pushing and fighting and holding onto hate and rage until the very last second…so I get it! I truly do…

And what I got in touch with in the managers office this morning is that deep, deep, deep inside (hopefully she won’t have to wait 42 years) there is a very, very wounded girl. I can say that will all authority in me…I once raged, and hurt others with my mouth so bad that I deemed myself unable to ever be forgiven….so I want to reach out to my neighbor and yet every time I do I am met with the same anger and rage looking back at me as I once had looking back at everyone else…

I was homeless; never tried being something other than what I was, a hopeless bum who hated deeply and had no time for love, after all, that only led to more pain….and I didn’t have obstacles in my way like a job or a family…I was full on 100% bona fide rage!! Every…single….second….!

So I guess I am writing this morning in an attempt to tell the Universe I understand. Sometimes you cannot be a light for someone if they only want to continue walking in the darkness. I can live quietly and love deeply at a distance. I can help her along her path by not tolerating that which is intolerable…that’s how I can help..or what I can do rather…she doesn’t need help…not yet!!

Sometimes when I walk out my door and life is looking at me from every direction, the life I once led, it makes me sob…because I have made choices that have allowed me to live a different life…I know the path of darkness, hate, rage…I got that one down perfectly..almost to the end of the line…and then out of sheer necessity…I made a choice to trust LOVE.

That was the first (and only thing today) I actually trusted..and it has never, ever let me down. No, I am not talking human love I am talking Agape…from the Creator of the whole Fucking Universe…

And when, or if, that happens for anyone else is not for me to try and dictate when or if…it is up to me to empathize and move on..not discard away but simply move on when I recognize that rage monster in someone else because there is just no helping someone when they are co-existing with the monster…

I am blessed and soooo grateful that I trust agape LOVE!

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OxoxoX

My Mom

I just got off the phone with my mom and she is in the middle of getting a massage, which she says “I think I needed real bad my back was all tight.” and a pedicure. She pampers herself quite often she says and that just warms my heart.

Tears come out my eyes after our short but beautiful conversation because our lives, mine with my parents, has changed so much over the years..sooo much! In short, 30 years ago I had my mom on a hit list, to have her throat cut ear to ear by someone whom I didn’t even know but who was willing to do it..

I cannot even begin to tell you what all has happened in those 30 years to bring us to the point today where we are talking about my mom getting pedicures and taking care of herself and both of us, when we hang up the phone, telling each other we love each other from our toes…

I suppose the tears are the recognition of how blessed I am that I am where I am at in my relationship with her…she is my mom. MY mom. and it is a trip growing older with her…the more layers of the hardness around my heart that are removed, the more I love her.

I am so grateful (seems a bit over used but can’t think of a bigger word to describe my heart) that they both have been able to see me flourish and thrive; in my dream home, being totally 100% ME…I am so grateful I have been allowed this time with both of them so they can see with their own eyes that I am good…that my life is full of beauty and love…

I love my mom today with my whole heart; never imagined in my wildest desires of wanting a mom, that this is what it would feel like; I never imagined I would love her from the center of my heart out…

It makes all of those years, probably 48….it makes all of the turmoil and hate and angst worth it…now that I can love her so freely and openly…and yea kinda cheesy but I do believe that what makes it so easy for me to love her today is that I have looked in the shadows and under all the rocks visible in my own soul; I have no more secrets that I am running from, my heart is an open book TO MYSELF…which truly does enable me to simply love my mom and dad.

Love isn’t love if it doesn’t come from a place of purity, of simplicity and honesty. I no longer love myself or my parents out of some sideways obligation..it is purely, simply flowing from the I AM of my heart…

THAT is beyond a blessing.

OxoxoX

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Good Morning Friends

Another week has approached, and my it seems so quick. I woke up in lots of pain this morning; not really pain but my  muscles are aching and prickly on the right side of my body…not sure what its about but I am slowly or rather, it is slowly being worked out.

I am grateful for my breathe this morning. I am grateful for the gift of sight. It is a good day to listen…the grass outside my back door is my favorite color of green…you know the one; where it is sooo green that you feel like you are consuming the very life of life when you look at it.

It is a somewhat sunny day (right now) here and I am listening to Dan Gibson, he is a musician who uses no words but almost everything else. He uses nature in his music to soothe whatever might ail one and it is just most peaceful and tranquil.

I have nothing to do today, no worries on my mind about this day so as I set out from here at 9:00am I am going to do my very best to soak up all the life that is here for me, this day. May you enjoy the unfolding of this day as well.

Much Love.

OxoxoX

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